Words of Danny O'Bigbelly My idea of a good time

October 10, 2009

Your favorite movies

Filed under: General — DannyO @ 8:41 pm

Yet another questionnaire, but this one has a single instruction: name the ten movies that matter the most to you.

Of course, I can’t simply do that.  I need to begin by reflecting on the question itself…

I am not a huge fan of movies. I like watching them but they don’t take on deep significance for me. Some of them are reminders or mnemonics for phases of my life, which I suppose is significance of some sort, but I don’t see my life reflected in movies. Well, not most movies. Maybe just one or two.

1) Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon.

I’ve heard that there are people who don’t like this movie. They probably live in the same parallel universe as Sarah Palin fans: I don’t know any, I don’t know anyone who knows any, I can’t imagine where they came from, or how they came to be. This movie has everything: love, romance, and, of course, Green Destiny.

2) Manhattan.

She doesn’t really have a voice like the mouse in the Tom and Jerry cartoons. Good god, this movie is inspired. I hope I never win the Zelda Fitzgerald Emotional Maturity Award.

3) Monsters, Inc.

I like my movies dialog-driven. This movie has more banter for the buck than almost any other movie. They could probably squeeze in a few more words here and there, but that’s not the point. This is a perfect buddy movie.

4) Predator

“If it bleeds, we can kill it.” It’s become sort of a mantra for me at work. And yes, I have time to duck.

5) One Crazy Summer

I don’t understand why this movie wasn’t more popular than Titantic. OK, that’s a small lie. I understand it. But it’s wrong; a symptom of some flaw in this world–perhaps even original sin. The genius (if I may abuse that word, and I believe I may) of this movie is that most of it is an elaborate setup for five or six exquisite gags. Characters are introduced, situations set up, coincidences occur, all leading to a perfect, otherwise impossible collision. I won’t spoil it for you, but I will mention that at first you’re going to think it’s stupid and unfunny that Bobcat Goldthwait gets stuck in a Godzilla costume and can’t get out of it without help–but then, as events unfold, you’ll realize the complete and utter necessity of a character appearing in a Godzilla costume a few scenes later.

6) Hero

I understand that there are several movies with this title. I am referring only to the one that I like. When the Emperor smiles and gives Nameless his sword, I get chills. Or Moon versus Flying Snow in the orchard, which, if I remember correctly, was described by the New Yorker review as a scene that created a new genre. Sublime.

7) The Matrix

“Whoa…” No, not the famous quote from the movie. That’s the quote from the theater full of film students I saw the movie with, the moment when Trinity jumps in the air at the beginning of the movie. I could almost see the thought balloons rising through the projector’s light (“I have to use this effect!”). And so it has become. So many movies, commercials, etc use these special effects that they’ve lost most of their power, but imagine, if you can, watching that first moment of “bullet time” back in 1999 (I hope I got the year right…). Whoa.

8) The Rocky Horror Picture Show

Perhaps if I had been more socially adept during my college years (it hasn’t really gotten any better, sad to say) then this movie wouldn’t be on my list, but it gave me something to do any Saturday night that I needed something to do… That, and the looong walk home from the Exeter Street Theater.

9) Animal House

I’ve been to parties like that. Or so I’ve heard. I don’t clearly remember much of them. Anyway, it’s pretty damn funny, even now. I wonder whether Senator Blutarsky is republican or democrat?

10) Annie Hall

Yeah, I liked it.

Adult topics

Filed under: General — DannyO @ 8:35 pm

Exhausted by those surveys made up by schoolchildren, for schoolchildren, some friends on facebook came up with a bunch of questions for people with a few more years on the clock.

1. What bill do you hate paying the most?

I’m annoyed that I have to pay someone to cut my lawn. I never thought it would come to this, but then again, I never thought I’d have a front yard that looks like a model for a double black diamond run. I’m not completely invalid but there’s no way I’m getting a mower up and down that slope without it ending up going over the wall and into the street on a regular basis.

I’m also a bit annoyed, but less so, about having to pay for extended day for my kids school. I may have a bad memory, but I don’t remember anything like this when I was a kid.

2. Where was the last place you had a romantic dinner?

It’s been so long that I don’t remember.

Romance is more or less absent from my life.

3. What do you really want to be doing right now?

Something romantic.

4. How many colleges did you attend?

I’m not sure what this question is asking. Probably about matriculation. So let’s just say two-ish. I was only in a degree program at one, but I took some courses at another.

5. Why did you choose the shirt that you have on right now?

I’m wearing a bathrobe.

6. What are your thoughts on gas prices?

I’d pay a lot of money for something that could stop my farting. Seriously–I fart more than any two people I know.

This probably contributes to the dearth of romance in my life.

7. First thought when your alarm goes off?

If we’ve slept until the alarm went off, there’s no time for cuddling before it’s time to wake up.

8. Last thought before going to sleep last night?

Pondering the question of what I’m going to do to straighten out my dead-end career. No answers came to me.

9. Do you miss being a child?

Some parts of being a child were great.

But then again, some parts were absolutely horrible.  I’m probably repressing the really bad memories, so I’ll have to say no.

10. What errand/chore do you despise?

I’m not sure I could call this despicable, but it would be nice of there was someone living in my household who could vacuum, or put in new paper towels and toilet paper.

11. Get up early or sleep in?

Guess.

12. Have you found real love yet?

I guess so.

13. Favorite lunch meat?

Turkey.

14. What do you get every time you go into Wal-Mart?

I don’t go to Walmart often enough to have established a pattern.

15. Beach or lake?

Beach, unless it’s a large enough lake to have a tide. I consider the tide to be the second most important feature a body of water can have. The most important feature, of course, is that attractive women often wear skimpy bathing suits near large bodies of water.

16. Do you think marriage is an outdated ritual?

You say that like it’s a bad thing.

People really seem to enjoy weddings, and as long as this is true, it’s still serving a very useful purpose. I have no objection to people having fun.

17. Sopranos or Desperate Housewives?

My limited exposure to television (especially television that requires cable) makes this question difficult to answer. But from the small amount of info that I do have, I have to say that given the choice between a drama about a bunch of murderous psychopaths and a comedy about people with difficult family relationships, I’m going to go with the comedy every time, so Sopranos gets the nod.

18.What famous person would you like to have dinner with?

Tough call. Most famous people would find me a little boring. And there would probably be people dropping by the table asking for their autograph, interrupting what little conversation we had.

So, I’m going to go with Hatshepsut. Not knowing the ground rules of this hypothetical question, I think she’s a fairly safe bet.

First, she’s an incredibly interesting historical figure. Second, if the powers of hypotheticalism aren’t sufficient to allow her to speak English, she’s probably still good to look at and fairly polite. Third, of the powers of hypotheticalism aren’t sufficient to bring her back to life, since she’s been dead for thousands of years she’s probably not all that pungent any more, and she won’t mind if I eat her dessert.

19. Have you ever crashed your vehicle?

Yes, but it was usually an accident.

20. Ever use a fire extinguisher for its intended purpose?

Whatever I use a fire extinguisher for is exactly what I intend it for.

21. Ring tone?

Whatever it came with.

22. Strangest place you have ever brushed your teeth?

I always brush my teeth inside my mouth.

23. Somewhere in California you’ve never been and would like to go?

The Playboy Mansion?

Sorry, I’m at a bit of a loss. I’ve been pretty much everywhere in California that doesn’t require getting past a bouncer.

23. Do you go to church?

Not very often these days.

24. At this point in your life would you rather start a new career or a new relationship?

New career.

25. How old are you?

That’s a complicated question.

26. Do you have a go to person?

No.

27. Are you where you want to be in life?

No.

28. Growing up, what were your favorite cartoons?

I used to watch cartoons every Saturday. There used to be shows that previewed the cartoons for the next season and I had to watch those. It was very exciting. But I don’t remember any of them now.

29. What about you do you think has changed the most?

Over the years, my capacity to really foul things up has expanded enormously.

30. Looking back at high school were they the best years of your life?

In some important ways, yes.

31. Are there times you still feel like a kid?

I’m not sure.

32. Did you ever own troll dolls?

I think someone in my family did, because I remember playing with one.  The concept of ownership was a bit fuzzy in the context of toys, and so I doubt I actually owned it.

33. Did you have a pager?

Yes. I think it only went off once or twice.

34. Where was the hang-out spot when you were a teenager?

Damned if I know. It wouldn’t have been the cool, popular hang-out if they’d allowed people like me to know about it.

35. Were you the type of kid you would want your children to hang out with?

Probably, although they probably wouldn’t want to.

They just won’t stop asking

Filed under: General — DannyO @ 8:27 pm

It’s like some sort of interrogation, where there same questions are asked again and again and again, with minor variations, in the hope that I’ll slip up, fail to keep the story straight, and the truth will come tumbling out.

But so far, I’ve withstood every variation.

1. What would people be surprised to find in your kitchen or refrigerator?

Amelia Earhart.

At least, it would surprise the heck out of me.

2. Name three (or more) foods that are always in your refrigerator.

Milk, milk, lemonade, and usually something chocolate.

Then later in the week, it’s just milk and lemonade.

When the milk is gone, it’s time for another run to the market.

3. What is the perfect snack?

Perfect for me, or perfect for the snack?

I’ll eat Doritos until I reach the bottom of the bag. Good for Frito-Lay, but not so good for me.

I hate those toasted pita thingies, so they are the perfect snack for me, because I won’t eat them.

4. What are your favorite edible indulgences?

As mentioned before, I enjoy See Food.

The most indulgency thing that I’ll eat is my mother-in-law’s buckeyes. I have never seen these elsewhere and don’t know if other people call them the same thing, but they’re some sort of peanut butter thing dipped in chocolate, about the size of a ping-pong ball. Like what a Reeses peanut butter cup (which I also adore) wants to be when it grows up. It’s one of the few things she cooks that doesn’t make my stomach shrivel. So, I eat them to indulge myself, and nearly everything else she cooks, I eat to indulge her. Fortunately, she gave up cooking altogether several years ago, and the reserves of left-overs are starting to run low.

5. What and where is your favorite restaurant and what do you order there?

You’re trying to order a hit on me; I can tell.

My favorite restaurant changes according to my mood, but I do have a bad habit of ordering the same thing over and over at the same restaurant. For example, when I go to any of the chain of “The Border Cafe” I will order the gulf coast enchiladas, every time.  So that’s the dish to put the poison in.

6. What is/are the most unusual thing you have ever eaten?

I have a strict policy of only eating things once, and therefore each thing I eat is equally unusual.

7. What would you never eat?

I tend to avoid insects. No special reason, but I guess I’m too old to overcome that childhood aversion.

Also, I avoid eating things that are still alive, unless they’re shellfish, or fruit.

Oh, and Amelia Earhart.

A cornucopia of questions

Filed under: General — DannyO @ 8:18 pm

Those folks on MySpace never rest.  Ah, the energy of youth, or something like that.

Did you stand on your tippy-toes when you had your last kiss?

I don’t have kisses. I do something else with them.

And I don’t stand on my tippy-toes very often. Less often than I kiss, and that’s not all that often.

What reminds you of the last person you kissed?

She leaves her stuff all over the house, so there are constant reminders.

Do you ever think about the past?

I remember the past, and sometimes I ponder it, but I rarely think about it.

Although some part of my brain is always sifting through the warehouse of data and experiences I’ve got piled up in the cluttered white elephant shop I call my memory, and every once in a while it finds something interesting. I’ll be going about my business when all of a sudden I’ll have a epiphanette (“In 1980, when that girl I was talking with at the mixer said she needed to find the bathroom, she didn’t really need to find the bathroom. She was just trying to dust me off! If only I had realized this earlier, the evening might, perhaps, have still been salvaged!”)

Do you believe ex’s can be friends?

Everyone always asks this question. The fact that we’ve all answered it already doesn’t seem to change anything. Therefore, I must assume that when people ask this question, they’re not really looking for an honest answer. The way the question is phrased, it is clearly an attempt to rationalize a decision that has already been made, and, perhaps, acted upon.

So, fine. Be friends with your ex. You’re a smart person. I’m confident you’ll be the one to figure out how to make it work. You’ve already made your decision to try, so I’ll just annoy you by telling you that the odds are long.

Do you currently have a hickey, if so where?

I don’t have a hickey. I have a doohickey, a gadget, and several gizmos.

It’s not the same, but I make do.

Last night you felt?

The usual.

Did you have any plans Friday?

Yes. Thanks for asking.

What were you doing an hour ago?

I was either asleep or looking at pr0n.

Where by pr0n I mean real estate ads. I get very excited by the idea of living in a house that isn’t falling down around my ears, and that has space for all my stuff.

Does anyone know your password besides you?

I have several passwords. A few (like my pin) I share with my wife.

Among the others, I’m reasonably confident that two have been sniffed but the others are still secure.

Are all of your friends virgin?

You mean, like “virgin olive oil”? Or do you mean, like “have not had sex?” That little “s” makes a big difference.

I’m skeptical of the former but optimistic about the latter. I’m pretty sure both have happened, in some sense, to all my friends.

Who was the last person to lay in bed with you?

I could just keep making jokes about incorrect grammar and usage, but nobody is going to think they’re funny.

Do you want to see somebody right now?

I’m married, so I’ve bagged my limit. I can’t really manage seeing someone on the side.

When’s the last time you cried?

I don’t know.

Well, technically, I cried out “Snout!” last night when I was playing Super Mario Kart Wii with the kids. I got nailed by a chomper I thought was already at the end of its chain.

Did you know that the human brain is set up so that some words or phrases are spoken automatically in response to specific emotions or situations? It’s why people who have lost their ability to speak (via brain injury) will still cuss if the situation calls for it. Even better, it’s pretty easy to reprogram yourself to say different things. People usually do this without even thinking about it, so that when they get a boo-boo they say “ouch” instead of just screaming. People don’t say “ouch” everywhere; it’s a function of language and culture…

Anyway, it’s really easy to reprogram this, and so, with kids around the house, and my endless feud with SMK, I’ve taken steps to replace “YOU MOTHERFUCKING MOTHERFUCKER! I’M COMING BACK WITH A FUCKING STAR AND SHOVING IT RIGHT UP YOUR MOTHERFUCKING ASS!” with “Oh, Snout!”

What is in your backpack right now?

A bunch of stuff I’ve been meaning to file. Thanks for the reminder.

Would it be more likely of you to fail Science or Math?

I’ll take science for 800, Alex.

Will you regret your next kiss?

Who am I–Nostradamus?

Has the last person you kissed ever seen you cry?

That’s a good question. Ask her.

Are you a forgiving person?

I try to be forgiving. I rarely actually do come back with a star and shove it anywhere.

Although if I happen to have a star, sometimes I get caught up in the heat of the moment.

What are you listening to?

Tinnitus.

Where’s the last place you went besides your house?

Work.

Do you have a best friend of the opposite sex you can tell everything to?

I have a wife, and she more or less fills this role.

Do you believe your ex cares about you?

I’ve been in a monogamous relationship for several decades, so my ex’s, who never really cared about me all that much to begin with, probably don’t remember me at all.

Kill the spider or let it out?

If it’s a bitey kind, it’s dead. Otherwise, if it’s the cool kind, just leave it be.

Are you cheating on someone right now?

No, but if I was, I would be sure to tell everyone on the internet about it immediately.

Are you nice to everyone?

No. I’d like to be, but my manners pretty much suck, and I can be petty, although I try not to be.

For example, there was a woman yesterday who was giving me all kinds of attitude yesterday, and I wanted to tell her off (this woman comes from Sweden, where, apparently, it is considered normal manners to walk up to someone you hardly know and start critiquing their dress and grooming), but I didn’t. But I wanted to. Snout!

Have you ever liked someone you didn’t expect to?

Expect to what?

Have you ever had the feeling something bad was going to happen and you were right?

Often and sometimes.

Is your hair longer than your shoulders?

My shoulders are not long. They are very broad.

Have you ever taken a picture of yourself kissing someone?

No.

Could you forgive your best friend for sleeping with your bf/gf?

My wife is my best friend, so it’s hard to answer this question.

But if she cheated on me, forgiveness would be a challenge.

Did you get a full 8 hours of sleep last night?

Ha!

Have you ever kissed anyone with a name that started with C or D?

Hmmm… Let’s see–there were Kim, Susan, Suzanne, Marianne, Maryann, Eileen, Linda, Debra, Deborah, Diane, Victoria, Elizabeth, Beth, Carina, Patricia, Rita, Anne, Ann, Angela, Robin… those are the names we thought about for our daughters, but didn’t pick. Sorry; what was the question again?

Will you be up before 7 AM tomorrow?

As up as I ever am. Which is not all that much.

If you were kicked out of your house, where would you go first?

It would depend on the circumstances behind the kicking.

In the past week, have you cried hysterically in front of a friend?

No.

Is tomorrow gonna be a good day?

I suppose anything is possible.

Is there anybody you wish you could be spending time with right now?

Sure.

Are you satisfied with your life as of now?

It’s pretty good in a lot of ways, but I see several possible areas of improvement.

Will you talk to someone on the phone tonight?

Dunno. I don’t talk on the phone that much outside of work.

What do you miss most about your past?

The cartilage in my knees and hips, and that I used to comfortably wear pants with a 34-inch waistband.

When’s the next time you will see the last person you kissed?

When she comes out of the bathroom.

In the next 3 months, what are you looking forward to most?

Christmas.

The last person you texted, is the person a he or she?

I’ve never texted anyone, ever. I’m not even sure if my phone does that.

Have you ever gone out of your way to make someone happy?

Yes. In order to make people happy, I usually have to go out of my way. It doesn’t come naturally.

If you had the chance to travel back in time, would you?

I’d send a few guinea pigs back in time first, to see how it went for them. I don’t feel like I can make an informed decision until then.

Someone on your mind?

I keep trying to figure out how to work Guo Jingjing into this.

Done and done.

Is there anything you want to tell someone but you can’t?

There’s a girl I had a crush on for a long time, a very long time ago, and for some reason, I keep thinking that someday I should really tell her. I don’t know why I have this urge. Nothing positive could come of it. But for some reason, I keep thinking that someday, for some reason, I’m going to have to fess up to this.

Do you know anyone who has road rage? Who?

Oh, snout!

How expensive is too expensive for a pair of shoes?

I’d pay almost anything for a pair of shoes that let me walk comfortably without agonizing pain.

For style and looks, my limit is about $100.

If you were going out with your celebrity crush, what would you wear?

Whatever the well-dressed man-about-town is wearing these days. I’d have to do a little research first in order to find out what that is. But I wouldn’t spend much time or money on it, because I’m reasonably sure that she’d ditch me pretty early on.  It should be something I’d look good walking home alone in, and perhaps could use for another occasion.

Would you rather name your daughter Andrea or Eva?

No.

If you had to get up at 6am tomorrow morning, would it be painful?

Not for me.

If you were adopted, would you want to know?

I’m sure my parents would tell me eventually. It would probably come up during a conversation about how nature has trumped nurture once again.

What is bothering you right now?

The length of this quiz.

Did you ever really believe that the stork brought babies?

No. There are no storks where I grew up, and plenty of babies, so nobody even bothered with this myth. It just wouldn’t hold water.

Do you know anyone who always looks perfect? Who?

No.

Who are the last people you saw kiss?

It was on TV. I don’t know their names.

Chapstick or lipgloss?

No thanks; I’m good.

What was the last unpleasant thing to wake you up?

The passage of time.

Do you have any friends who are ALWAYS kissing their bf/gf?

No.

Would you rather look at clouds or stars?

Clouds.

Long story. Tell you another time.

Do you have any relatives who are expecting a baby really soon?

Not that I know about.

Dare you to go in detail why you kissed the last person you kissed?

What the fuck is your problem with all these questions about kissing?

What are three things you did today?

I’m still in the middle of #2.

Are you taller than 5 foot 7 inches?

Yes, when standing.

Are you one of those people who just don’t care?

No.

Name one thing you love about winter?

Spring follows it.

Have you ever had sex in a tent?

That’s a darn good question.

Do you think there is someone thinking about you right now?

Yes. She’s miffed that I haven’t taken my shower yet.

Were you smiling in the last picture taken of you?

Probably.

Is there something that reminds you of someone every time you see/hear it?

Yes.

Have you ever had a black and white cat?

I don’t believe that people “have” cats.

Do you think a lot before you fall asleep?

Nope. My head hits the pillow and two or three hours later, I’m out like a light.

Is there someone you wouldn’t mind kissing right now?

It’s probably not you.

Do you live each day like its your last?

No. That would be idiotic. I’d be wrong every day except one. You can’t make progress toward a better future if you don’t first believe that there will be a future.

Are you happy with the choices you’ve made?

Meh. I’m doing OK.

Do you think you are a good person?

I’m not perfect. But I’m not completely awful, either.

Is it okay to kiss people if you’re single?

If I hadn’t, I’d probably still be single.

How many people would you say you’ve been “serious” with?

All of them.

What friend do you get along with the best?

My wife.

Do you still get Easter Baskets?

No. I give them.

Do you have curtains in your room?

Yes.  The Neighborhood Watch Committee, who apparently are on the lookout for crimes against taste and aesthetics as well as ordinary theft and larceny, provided them as a house-warming gift.

Are crayons better than colored pencils?

No. They might think they are, but we’re all god’s children.

Who is the last boy you hugged?

Huh?

How about the last girl?

How about her, indeed. Ain’t she something?

Did you date someone you regret dating?

Yes, I’ve dated.

Have you kissed anyone in the last 7 days?

You need to talk to someone about your obsession with the kissing habits of strangers.

Someone other than me.

Are there certain things that can’t be joked about with you?

The evidence points to yes. I tried to start a joke thread a while back, and it failed. Utterly. Even though there were punchlines just scattered around everywhere, waiting for someone to pick them up. I made it so easy, but it just couldn’t be done.

Here’s the thing that can’t be joked about with me:

Two women are showering in a locker room.
The first woman says:
The second woman responds:

It would seem easy to fill in the blanks, but apparently it cannot be done.

Do you think there are circumstances when it’s okay to wait for someone?

If they’re late?

If you had to have a drug test right now, would you pass?

Depends on what they’re testing for.  I’m fairly ignorant about current drug slang and whatnot, but if it’s multiple choice I can usually guess my way through.

Do you know anyone named Austin?

Yes, of course.

Is there a girl that knows everything or mostly everything about you?

I’m afraid so.

Get asked anything ridiculous recently?

Very recently.

Kate’s speedy seven

Filed under: General — DannyO @ 5:13 pm

Another one of those question thingies.  At least this one is short.

1. Do you have a pet name people call you?

Well, of course, there’s “DannyO”. I don’t know if that counts as a pet name. It’s more of a nom de plume.

My wife used to call me “Boo.” I have no idea why, but one day, after I bought a copy of “To Kill a Mockingbird”, she stopped calling me that. That reminds me–I should really read that book someday. I’ve heard it’s pretty good.

In my younger days, I used to be called “Duck” or occasionally “The Duck”. There’s a long and mildly interesting story about that, but it’s not brief. Maybe I’ll write it down another time.

2. Do you play a musical instrument?

I used to play several, but I’ve mostly let it go.

I would probably pick it up again, except the instruments I play make a lot of noise and that limits when and where I can practice. My leisure activities have become things I can do quietly, in the middle of the night, when the kids are asleep. For example, this.

3. When given a choice what chain restaurant do you choose to eat at?

The one whose name a preposition ends in.

Or probably ‘On the Border’ or ‘The Border Cafe’. I forget which of those is a chain. Maybe both.

4. What sports teams do you follow?

None with much fervor, although I do follow the local teams because everyone else seems to and it has a big impact on the local mood. For example, the morning after the Yankees sweep the Sox, it’s a bad idea to come waltzing into the status meeting all smiles and proclaim what a wonderful day it is to be alive, just because the computers are behaving. People will have been up late the previous night, and they’ll be pissed.

5. Quote that you live by?

Life is too short.

6. Favorite dessert?

I don’t know. These things are highly contextual.

7. Pet peeves? Name 3.

a) People who ask limiting questions. What if I only have two pet peeves? Or what if I have four that annoy me equally? Why three? The question should be flexible and adaptable to the needs and situation of the answerer.

b) When other people have pet peeves that show greater emotional maturity and perspective than I’ll ever be able to muster. Which is pretty much everyone, all of the time. I get annoyed by little things, such as being annoyed by little things.

c) Unfairness. Let me give you a stupid example that illustrates both unfairness and my singular lack of emotional maturity and perspective: in my division, offices are assigned according to a formula that is both baroque and byzantine. Here’s the result: although I am the senior member and leader of my ten-person team, I am also the only person who does not have a window office or my own office thermostat, except for the intern, whose office is larger than mine. I consider it unfair that there are empty window offices, and new hires are being placed directly into them, while in the meanwhile I (and several people in similar circumstances) are left languishing in dark, airless, internal offices. I shouldn’t take this personally, because I am just a pawn in a bullshit territorial game the vice presidents play against each other, and my office really is entirely adequate for my needs, but I still can’t help but be annoyed that there are empty offices overlooking a small forest that is starting to show its autumn colors, while in the meanwhile, I’m looking at the walls of a small, unventilated office that doesn’t seem to have been painted since leisure suits were popular. I think this is unfair.

Questions from my friends on MySpace

Filed under: General — DannyO @ 4:55 pm

I don’t really understand the phenomenon of people composing lists of questions and then passing them around to all of their friends, who forward them to all of their friends, etc, until they achieve a life of their own, circling the internet in the same manner that rubber duckies and sneakers, washed off the decks of cargo ships, circle the Pacific Ocean endlessly, mapping out invisible ocean currents and unsuspected relationships between members of MySpace, Facebook, Friendster, Orkut, et alia.

But just because I don’t understand it doesn’t mean that I’m immune to it.  Quite the contrary.

Here’s one I received recently.  Feel free to not pass it along.

1. Do you have any empty beer cans lying around anywhere?

Beer is packaged in cans now? Why? Besides the fact that aluminum requires an incredibly large amount of energy to mine, refine, process, and recycle, there’s the simple matter of taste. There’s also the simple matter of heft. If I’m a bar fight, I’m not going to try to defend myself with an empty can–not when my opponent probably has an empty Corona bottle hidden in his shoe. No sir.

Or by ‘beer cans’ do you mean kegs? No, I don’t have any empty kegs lying around.

2. Do you clean out your ears regularly?

My doctor is constantly admonishing me that I shouldn’t put anything smaller than my fist into my ears. I’ve tried to explain that the only Q-tips I can find anywhere are considerably smaller than my fist, but he doesn’t seem to understand.

3. Do you lounge around in pjs all day if you have nowhere to go, or do you actually get dressed?

I used to have that habit. Now my kids are getting older, and they’re bringing their friends over to play regularly, so at least I have to throw on a bathrobe or something. As they get older, I’ll become even more diligent. I’ve already started to remember to close the bathroom door.

4. Do you still have any toys from when you were a kid?

It seems astonishing in retrospect, but my all-time favorite toys are things that I’ve had since birth, but didn’t realize the infinite delights and hours of enjoyment they could provide to me until I was well on my way through puberty. I’ve been playing with them almost every day since then, and plan to continue until well into my dotage.

I refer, of course, to logic, abstraction, and prose, which I convert, using techniques I learned as a juvenile, into playthings to amuse and distract myself and my companions during the dark hours of our existence.

Honorable mention goes to my penis.

5. Do you smoke weed regularly?

Do I look that stupid?

6. Do you like Windows, Macintosh or Linux better?

I hate to nag, but isn’t this question supposed to read “Do you like Windows, Macintosh, Linux, or something better?”

I’ll go with something better. Until it comes along, I’ll continue to use all three, depending on what the customer wants. On my own time, I’ll use a mac. Or, occasionally, something else.

7. Do you plan on going to college? If so, would you like to do it on a campus or online?

I have a feeling there are two questions here. I will answer them separately.

I don’t plan to go to college again. I’m sort of tempted to do some sort of adult education thing sometimes, because there are a lot of things that I’d like to learn, and I think some structure and critique would be helpful, but I don’t really have the time. And I would probably get terrible grades.

I would like to “do it” on a campus, because it would be just like old times, but I’d probably get in trouble.

8. How many DVDs do you own?

Enough so that I don’t know how many I have, but not enough that I know how many I have.

9. Did you know that JK Rowling is planning to make another Harry Potter book?

No, and I don’t think she really is. I would have heard already, from my daughters.

10. Are you on MySpace all damn day every single day?

No. MySpace didn’t exist when I was single.

11. Are there any pictures that you need to get developed?

I’m glad you asked, because it brings up something that I’ve wanted to discuss for a long time.

No.

12. Are you constantly running out of socks like me?

I don’t run fast enough to do that. I’d really like to see you do it, however, because I’m pretty sure that your socks would be among the last things that come off as a result of your extreme fleet-footedness. Just promise you’ll slow down long enough for me to make sure your socks have come off.

13. How many CD players are in your house?

Hmm. All my computer have CD players in them, so that makes six in the office, three in the living room, one in the kitchen, one in the basement… And in the parts drawer, in case any of these break, there’s one more, maybe two. In the basement there’s the old CD player from the component stereo, plus a boombox with two drives, for three more. The alarm clock plays CDs, so there’s another, and my daughters have on in their room as well. Then there’s the stereo in the living room, and the DVD player, which doubles as a CD player, and also the Wii, which who knows, might be able to play CDs. And in my knapsack, there’s my laptop from work, for one more. And my wife’s old Sony Discman, which she bought in case she ever decides she needs music while exercising.

OK, I think you’ve accomplished your goal of embarrassing me.

14. Do you know anyone who’s pregnant?

Maybe. I do know some females physically capable of the deed.

15. What kind of dog food do you feed your dog?

I don’t have a dog.

If I did, I’d probably feed him or her something high-quality (pride would not permit me to malnourish a friendly guardian of my decrepit manse) but dry. Like Purina dog chow, or whatever turns out to be good. I’d do research. I’d experiment. Due diligence would be done.

But I know I wouldn’t feed the dog table scraps, nor would I feed the dog canned, wet dog food. That stuff looks and smells terrible. It looks like it just came out of the hind end of something with an upset stomach..

16. When you see a baby, is your reaction “Aww, how cute!” or “Eww, get it away!”?

My reactions are never that simple and easy to describe.

Besides, overly constrained questions are one of my pet peeves.

16. When you see a baby, is your reaction “Aww, how cute!” or “Eww, get it away!”?

Neither. Even if I’m thinking it.

I’m an adult. My reaction to a situation and my feelings about that situation can be decoupled.

17. How many pairs of shoes do you own?

I don’t know.

18. How many mugs are in your house total?

A bunch. I can’t believe anyone cares enough about this answer to make it worthwhile for me to actually root around in the cabinets and boxes in the basement to get a precise number. It’s probably not even worth finishing writing this sente

19. Do you own any wine glasses?

Yes.

20. What about fine china? Does your family even use it?

Yes, but we rarely use it. It’s covered with gold leaf, which makes washing it a bit of a hassle. The big family get-togethers when we’d be most likely to use are the meals that have the most attendees, and therefore are when it’s most tempting to use the dishwasher… but this would ruin them forever.

21. Eventually do you want to get married?

Marriage should never be wanted eventually.

Getting married is like ripping off a band-aid. The question of marriage should never be taken lightly, but once you’ve weighed all the alternatives and settled on marriage as the only tenable course of action, it should be done quickly, with as little thought or hesitation as possible, lest one or both of the parties contract a case of cold feet.

Also like ripping off a band-aid, it is good to have an ample supply of alcohol, gauze, and various ointments standing by in readiness.

22. How many computers are in your house?

I think I already answered this when I was counting my CD players for you. It’s a bunch. From this century, however, fewer than half that number.

23. Do you still play old school Nintendo games?

This question makes no sense. There are no “old school” Nintendo games.

Spacewar is old school. Hunt the Wumpus is old school. Adventure is old school. Rogue, Hack, and Moria are old school. These are games the parents of people who play Nintendo games used to play when they were the age their children are now.

Although this question makes no sense, I think I can still answer it. No. I don’t think I even have any Nintendo stuff around the house, except the Wii.

24. Have you ever been to Hawaii or Alaska?

Twice, and once. I’ve flown over Alaska a few times without landing. Looked pretty awesome from up there.

25. Would you ever want to live in either of those places?

No, although both are pleasant to visit.

Hawaii is not really compatible with my ghostly-white complexion. I don’t tan. I barely even freckle.

Alaska is spooky. I was there in June, and the sun kept following me around. It seemed to circle the building while I was working. I don’t know why it seemed to be some interested in me; I hear during the winter it wanders off and shows no interest in anyone. I don’t think I’d survive an Alaskan winter.

26. What kind of sense of humor do you have?

Juvenile.

27. What was your last phone conversation about and with whom?

Something boring, with someone from work. ‘Nuff said.

28. What was your grade point average in high school?

Pretty pathetic. I don’t remember the number, but I clearly remember my high school guidance letting out a low, long sigh and rubbing his furrowed brow for about thirty seconds at the beginning of our mercifully brief sessions. I think the topic of vocational training came up a few times.

After I was kept back for a year, and then when I decided that maybe college was a good idea after all, I turned it around, but by then the damage was done to my average. The average of two dreadful years, one average year, and two good years is still fairly dreadful.

29. What is one of your favorite movie quotes?

Anything from “Animal House” qualifies.

30. What song do you have stuck in your head right now?

“Birthday” by The Beatles. In a few minutes, it will be “Yer Blues”. At least, that’s what my iPod says, and it’s in charge of sticking songs in my head right now.

31. Do you have an innie or an outie?

One of each.

32. How would your friends describe you?

I don’t know. Ask them. If you want a really honest answer, don’t ask them in public.

In the meanwhile, I don’t mind people saying nice things about, especially if they’re plausibly true. For example, people might say that occasionally I string together a sentence that is a self-contained joke. Perhaps even somewhere in this note.

33. Would you kiss a really ugly person for $10,000?

There are so many facets to this question that it twinkles and glitters like the sequins of the half-unfastened outfit of a Las Vegas showgirl, pinned to the stage by the beams of a dozen spotlights, writhing uncontrollably with ecstasy as my tongue slowly, methodically, scientifically and yet inexorably searches for the perfect roll, pitch, yaw, depth, mode, skew, kurtosis, and frequency to drive her over the brink, gibbering with pleasure, during the bachelor party I will swear on the bible never happened.

But since time is short, I will focus on one simple and obvious aspect.

Who decides who is or is not really ugly? Because I’m willing to let you pay me $10,000 to call my wife really ugly. I’m going to kiss her anyway, and she’ll laugh it off when she gets her half. Heck, for $5,000, I might even get more than one kiss.

If it’s up to you, and you don’t happen to think my wife is really ugly, then my answer is probably no. I choose who I kiss, and the freedom to make that choice is worth a lot more to me than $10,000. But if you happen to find Guo Jingjing hideous, maybe I’ll take your money anyway.

37. How many hours of sleep did you get last night?

Not enough. I had a terrible nightmare. No, not the one with the monster. A different nightmare.

38. Are you capable of murder?

In the right circumstances, we all are.

39. Are you pro life or pro choice?

I don’t believe that it’s up to me to impose my beliefs on other people, so I’m both.

I am pro-life but I support the notion that other people can make their own choices.

40. What is the last thing you spent money on?

Lunch.

41. When is the last time it snowed where you live?

I think it started around 4:30am. I have forgotten the date, however.

42. when is the last time you exercised?

Exercised my what?

Please refer to the answer to #47 for additional related discussion.

43. Have you ever lived in another state?

There are so many different meanings of the words “life” and “state” that I could have a field day with this.

But I sense the trap.

So, I will merely answer that if two years in Rhode Island counts as living in another state, then the answer is “yes”. Otherwise, the answer is “probably”.

44. Do you think anyone really reads the surveys you fill out?

Accidents do happen.

45. How many friends do you have on myspace?

How many friends do I have that use MySpace? I don’t know, but not a huge number. I’m not a member of their core demographic. Or any of their peripheral demographics.

How many friends do I have connections with on my MySpace account? I’m not sure, but I think I canceled my account, but I might have simply abandoned it.

46. If your friend count goes down, do you try to figure out who deleted you?

I don’t know what my friend count is right now, I don’t know how to figure it out, and I don’t care all that much. As long as people keep sticking stuff up on my wall, and are reasonably friendly, I figure I’m doing OK. I’d rather have a smaller number of good friends than a large number of random people who can’t remember why they friended me in the first place.

However, the question presupposes that my answer could be different, and therefore it may be true that there are a lot of people out there who do count their friends regularly and try to figure out who dropped them, etc. I also suspect that that sort of people are the sort of people that I am most likely to drop.

47. what scent are you wearing right now?

Sometimes the questions reveal more about the questioner than the answers reveal about the answerer. This is one of those times.

Unlike most of the other questions in this list, questions #42 and #47 do not refer to general characteristics, habits, or tendencies. They ask about very specific details that are defined relative to the moment when the questions are answered. They are also written in a different style, using a different set of constructs. Instead of asking “Do you often wear a scent?”, which presumes nothing about the answer, or “What scent do you usually wear?”, which makes a mild and easily negated presumption that the answerer wears a scent, the question makes a strong assumption that I am wearing a scent at this very moment, and provides me no easy way to defeat the assumption that this is a question whose answer one can reasonably expect to name that scent. And yes, I have stopped beating my wife.

When one examines the question more carefully, one finds two more troubling clues. First, the capitalization of the first word of the question is inconsistent with most of the other questions, indicating carelessness, perhaps anxiousness, but in any case an unwillingness to revisit the question long enough to proof-read it. This is clearly an off-the-cuff question; unpremeditated and perhaps even spontaneous.

Second, the repeated reference to the present: although “are you wearing” clearly indicates that this question refers to the present condition, the questioner did not feel that this was sufficient, and therefore appended a completely redundant “right now”. This reinforces the evidence that this question was not subject to the same care as the other questions.

Coupled with #42, with its similar issues, I infer that the questioner is not interested in my answer. This is a rhetorical question; a reminder to take a shower. Duly noted.

48. Do you text a lot?

No, but I prose too much.

49. Do you shop at WalMart regularly?

No.

50. What..s your favorite store at the mall?

The store where they trade apostrophes for periods. You should check it out–they’re having a two-for-one sale right now.

August 28, 2009

The second heuristic of blogging

Filed under: General — DannyO @ 3:42 pm

If your spouse hasn’t “had time” to read your blog for three months, then your writing probably isn’t all that entertaining.

At least, that’s her theory.

August 23, 2009

Do people think that you are smart?

Filed under: General,Uncategorized — DannyO @ 11:50 am

There’s another one of those “answer a bunch of questions” things floating around again, and I’ve recently received several copies.  I don’t believe that the answers to most of the questions in this particular quiz are actually going to shed new light on my personality, but one of them caught my eye:

  • “Do people think that you are smart?”

Perhaps it would be best to answer this question with a story about a hypothetical situation.

Let’s imagine that we are going to meet for the first time, and we’ve arranged to get together for dinner.  Perhaps I am on a business trip, staying near your home, and you invite me to get together for dinner.  For whatever reason (and there might be many) you invite me to pick you up at your house.  Maybe you don’t drive, or maybe the idea of being environmentally responsible and only using one car appeals to you.  The precise reasoning is not important.  The essential fact is that I will be coming to your home.

I arrive slightly early, or perhaps exactly on time, but you aren’t ready yet.  Something came up.  You mean no disrespect by being late, but you’re not worried.  We’re under no time pressure and I am not put off when you tell me that you’re not ready to go and will require a few more minutes to prepare yourself.  I seem calm and unconcerned; nonchalant.  If we arrive at the restaurant late, it will not be a problem.  The restaurant will not be crowded and they will hold the table.  I have no other obligations for the evening, and small, random acts of fate such as this do not annoy me.

You ask me to make myself at home in the living room while you go and finish whatever task you need to complete before we can go.  You see me scanning through the books on the shelf behind your couch.  You wonder whether I read the same books as you do, as you go off and finish whatever it is that you need to do.  Maybe you are feeding the cat.  Or moving the laundry from the washer to the drier.  Or putting the finishing touches on an important memo for work.  Or maybe you’re finishing your face.  Or perhaps you are slipping a small dispenser of mace into your purse and making a quick call to your best friend, asking her to eat dinner tonight at the same restaurant so you have a get-away driver if I turn out to be a creep.  It could be any one of a number of things, but the details, however interesting, are not salient.

When you are finished, we go out and have dinner.  We have a light conversation.  I nurse one drink all evening.  I am amusing and passably witty, but seem to have disappointingly little familiarity with current trends, celebrities, as well as politics and recent world events.  I am polite, but I answer questions about my family and upbringing with playful evasiveness that is subtle enough that it is hard to detect when I am being honest and when I am also being disingenuous.   Eventually you conclude that my real life is not particularly interesting and I am trying to insinuate via my vague or ambiguous answers that it is much more interesting than it seems.  My answers are always honest, but perhaps incomplete, or imprecise.  Sometimes you guess that I am willfully misinterpreting your questions, but in such a way that my answers are more entertaining and illuminating than the answers you expected.  For example, when you ask me “Why did you adopt children from China?” I will spend at least fifteen minutes talking about the myriad differences between the adoption programs of different countries and the manifold differences between the different adoption services and agencies that assist people going through the adoption process.  At the end of my explanation you will have a complete taxonomy of the adoption options available and a process by which anyone interested in adoption can choose the most appropriate country from which they should adopt a child.  By the time I finish talking, you will have forgotten that what you were really interested in asking was why I considered adoption in the first place.  You have paid the price for asking the wrong question, and that price is having to listen to a facile speaker describe, with candor, humor, and insight, a topic about which you have little interest.

I mumble, and sometimes I don’t hear your questions or comments, particularly if the restaurant is crowded and noisy.  If it becomes a constant issue, I might explain that I’ve suffered quite a bit of hearing loss over the years and have a hard time understanding what people are saying when there are a lot of distracting sounds, and that sometimes I mumble or speak too loudly because I don’t always know how loudly I am speaking.  I will avoid mentioning this if I can get away with it, but if you look very puzzled by some of my answers I will assume that it is because I didn’t understand your question and responded to something I only imagined you’d asked.

At the end of the evening, I drop you off at your house and drive away.  You do not invite me in.  There isn’t even any question in your mind about whether this is an option.  I am married, as I have mentioned many times during the evening, and am not physically attractive.  You feel some doubt that whether meeting me in person was really a great idea–in your imagination, I was much better looking and more scintillating than I turned out to be in real life.   You also imagined that I would be a snappier dresser, but you chalk this up to the fact that you imagined that I would be shorter and thinner.  People who shop at Big and Tall shops don’t have the same fashion choices as people who buy off the rack and Abercrombie and Fitch.  You are willing to cut me some slack here.

The next morning, you notice something unexpected in your living room.  Over the years, from strange relatives, coworkers, and well-meaning but poorly-advised friends, you have collected a small pile of brain-teasers, puzzles, and things of that ilk.  Tangles of chain or rope and twisted metal from which the goal is to remove a ring.  Pieces of plastic or wood that have been carved or formed in strange shapes that allegedly combine in some unknown way to form a pyramid or a cube or polar bear or something.   Things that came in boxes that said things like “10,000,000 wrong ways, but only one solution!”  Things you took out of the box and played with for a few hours, or maybe a few days, and then put up on the shelf, unsolved, forgotten.  When children come over to the house, you can distract them for a few minutes with these as games or toys, but generally they just catch dust on the bookshelf behind your couch.

Today six of them are catching more dust than usual, because they are arranged in a neat line spanning your coffee table.  Each of the puzzles on the coffee table has been solved.  There are more puzzles on the shelf behind the couch, but they appear to be untouched.  You notice that the untouched puzzles are the “easy” puzzles.  The solved puzzles on the coffee table are the really hard ones, including a few that you’d given up for impossible.

How did this happen?  Who put them there?  You couldn’t think of anyone else besides me who could have arranged them like that.  But how?  How long had I been there?  You run through your memory.  I couldn’t have been alone in the living room for more than fifteen minutes, and there are six solved puzzles.  One hundred and fifty seconds per puzzle, and these are the puzzles that nobody you know has been able to make any headway on.  Just putting the pieces together, even with the answer in hand, would take most of that time.

You look again at the puzzles on the shelf.  They’re not exactly where they were.  The puzzle that your niece managed to take apart but couldn’t put back together again is whole once more.  The pyramid composed of plastic pieces now has a green piece on top, even though you are certain that when you solved it, the piece on top was red.

You revise your estimates.  The six on the coffee table aren’t the only six I solved.  They’re simply the ones I was still working on when you yelled from the other room that you were ready.  They were the six I didn’t have time to put away.

Now, if you’re still reading this, and believe that it might be even somewhat accurate, then the answer to the question is that at least you think I’m pretty smart.

Less hypothetically, the people who pay me think I’m sufficiently smart, and the people who love me don’t care all that much, and as for the rest of you, well, it probably doesn’t really matter.

August 2, 2009

And the winner is…

Filed under: General — DannyO @ 2:45 pm

One of my favorite duties, as editor of this site, is choosing the honorees for the greatest innovators of the century every hundred years.  The twentieth century teemed with innovation in a myriad fields, and choosing one luminary from among the burgeoning cohort of inventors, visionaries, and pioneers has not been easy.  It has taken well over eight years to conclude the search, and with such a strong field I must admit that there were many times when I felt the temptation to settle on an arbitrary member of the short-list.  I felt that nobody could fault my selection of any of them; their accomplishments were both strong and widely recognized.  Nevertheless, I could not surrender so easily.  The mantle of this responsibility must not be set aside lightly.

Innovation takes many forms.  I consider it related to and yet distinct from invention; invention solves a problem or answers a question, while innovation makes the old problems disappear or the questions irrelevant.  It is possible to innovate without invention, and to invent without innovation–but in many successful developments, an element of each is required.  When comparing two innovators, however, I focus on the impact that the innovator has had, rather than the cleverness innate to his or her innovation.

I also consider the ubiquity of the change effected by the innovation.  An innovation that remarkably improves the life of a small segment of the population does not have the impact, in my opinion, as an innovation that makes a modest improvement in the lives of everyone.

The honoree for this century is responsible for a remarkable change in the travel habits of nearly every member of our species.  It is hard to believe the change effected in just a few short generations, and the ripples of change resulting from his innovation are still spreading.  Members of the younger generations may not fully appreciate the change wrought; they have always lived in a world where great distance is not a daunting barrier.

With no further ado, I present the winner of the Reginald Thistledown prize for the twentieth century:  Theodore Entwhistle, pioneer, visionary, and evangelist of the simple fact that Canadian geese no longer need to fly south for the winter and north for the summer; they can just hang around the high school playing fields, corporate parks, golf courses, and public pools year-round.

July 12, 2009

Concept of the Virtual Fist

Filed under: General,Originally on TBD — DannyO @ 7:57 am

Is there anyone among us who hasn’t dreamed, at one time or another, of forming a musical group or other flavor of performing troupe?

When I was a boy, the boy next door received a drum kit from Santa for Christmas. Immediately, he, I, and two other denizens of the neighborhood laid intricate plans for a long and wildly successful career as the most popular rock band of our time. All we needed was a really good name. After several days of bickering, bargaining, and general bitching about it, we settled on the name “JEWL”, which was a combination of the letters from our names. (We combed the surrounding tract housing in desperate search for someone in our cohort whose name started with a second E, but failed.) And then the singer quit in disgust, leaving us with “JEW”, which probably wouldn’t have opened many doors for us. The band never really got off the ground, and it was over before I actually owned any instrument.

But I know it could have been different. If we’d just picked the right name, I wouldn’t be typing this right now. One of my groupies would be typing it, while I dozed peacefully on a mattress stuffed with thousand-dollar bills. After breakfast and snorkeling around the reefs of my private archipelago (formerly known as the British Virgin Islands), with as many supermodels as comfortably fit in my private jet, I would settle down to the task of finding an adequate repacement warm-up act for my yearly world tour–filling Michael Jackson’s shoes wouldn’t be easy. Maybe the Rolling Stones again, Aerosmith or Tom Petty? They all worked out pretty well in the past. Definitely not U2 or Madonna again.

Yes, this is exactly the way eleven-year-old boys think. Exactly.

So, what’s the name of your supergroup?

Mark Trost coined the name “Concept of the Virtual Fist” (it’s that little kudo-awarding icon at the end of every discussion post on TBD–soon to be lost forever, I’m afraid), and bequeathed it to me for this purpose in case I ever need it.

It’s better than anything I have laying around.

What about you?

July 9, 2009

She’s got a touch of Tuesday Weld

Filed under: General,Originally on TBD — DannyO @ 3:55 am

I suppose it’s a sign that life has been pretty good to me when I mention that one lingering disappointment I have is that that Donald Fagen hasn’t written and recorded a lot more music.

A second disappointment is that because of some combination of zealous lawyers and lack of appeal to the MTV generation, it’s difficult to find much of his work on youtube or any of the other places one can go to watch small, grainy, lo-fi videos of their favorite artists.

Fortunately, I found one elsewhere:

http://www.clevver.com/music/video/138545/donald-fagen-new-frontier.html

It’s not the one I was hoping for–I wanted to find “Trans-Island Skyway”, but I wasn’t able to find a good recording online. Perhaps you’ll be able; please post a link…

“Trans-Island Skyway” starts with a naked but surprisingly subtle riff and builds slowly to full orchestration; a perfect layering of several rhythms and harmonies. Like a fine mechanical watch, the exquisite complexity of the interrelationships of all the parts is implicit and all that one sees is the resulting piece of jewelry. The lyrics provide a human vision of the future, but the song ends abruptly without resolution.

“New Frontier”, in contrast, begins in full flight–in the video, as you will see, the music begins when someone turns on the radio–as if the music had already been playing, somewhere, for some time already. Instead of the future, it reviews one of the great struggles of our time: on one side, nuclear war, MAD, stifling conformity, stereotypes; while on the other side, progressivism, Kennedy, Brubeck, Picasso, Tuesday Weld… The fear that we would all die together as a race if we could not learn to live with and accept our differences, balanced against the optimism and idealism of the New Frontier.

“New Frontier” ends the way “Trans-Island Skyway” begins, but in reverse. There is a gradual peeling away of the layers until fewer and fewer remain. When you listen to the last minute of the song, you’ll hear what I mean. Finally, there is only one instrument, which, as if it suddenly realizes that it is alone, begins playing a new melody.

And this is pop music?

Who is your favorite undiscovered or unheralded genius?

What song sings to you?

June 4, 2009

Deja vu. In the sarcastic sense of the word.

Filed under: General — DannyO @ 4:49 am

If you think you saw a similar entry yesterday, you are correct.  My hosting service lost a server and had to restore from backups, and their backups stink.  So I’m restoring it from my own copy.  Yuck.  This is not what I’m paying them for.

Here’s what I wrote yesterday, about the latest TGDotED entry (which I also had to restore…).

I will not have time to work on this again for a while, so I thought I would dump the story here in its half-finished (where “half” may well be a eupemism for “barely”) state in the hope that it will provide a moment of amusement for my faithful or insomniac readers.

Most of this chapter is unadorned dialog–I’ve only given the words, and none of the textual equivalent of body language. If it’s not clear what on earth is going on, please let me know.

TGDotED: Princess Lu in the Desert

Filed under: General — DannyO @ 4:45 am

Eight days after she crossed into the desert, Elain knew that she did not have enough water left in her canteens to return to the western side of the barrier mountains, the last place she had seen water that hadn’t come from her own canteens.

Each day, Elain made camp and slept during the heat of the day. As Ai Danning had advised her, she always sought as much shade as possible, and dug down into the sand when possible. Her tent shielded her from the fiercest heat of the day. When the sun began to approach the barrier mountains in the west, she rose, broke camp, and continued eastward. Each night, the moon waxed and gave her more light, but there were still times when she had to stop because it was too dark for her to be sure of her footing. The smallest accident–even a twisted ankle–would be fatal in this environment.

She knew that when her water ran out, she would begin to quickly weaken. The first day she was unable to make camp and raise her tent against the cruel sun of midday would be the day she died, unless some other fate overtook her first.

Her choices were to continue her hunt for the great dragon, or to cease her hunt and begin searching for water. Neither choice offered much hope.

If she did not find water, then some time in the next week she would would have to kill her camel and drink its blood, or die of dehydration. Killing the camel was something she would do only in desperation; without the camel, she would be forced to abandon most of her equipment and nearly all of her weapons. When that happened, her quest to find and kill the great dragon of the eastern would be over, and her attempt to save her own life would begin.

Elain had known for many months that this day was likely to come, but many of the tales she had studied in her long preparation for the hunt had mentioned that the dragons were commonly associated with bodies of water. Although there were no signs of water nearby, she believed that if she continued eastward she would pass beyond the desert and find the dragon near a lake or stream. She estimated that she had covered at least one hundred miles across the desert floor after descending from the mountains, and guessed that the desert could not span more than another hundred. She did not believe the stories that Ai Danning had told her about the desert spanning many hundreds of miles.

That morning, from the top of a rolling hill, Elain had seen a line of mountains far to the east, silloutted against the rising sun. She knew how distances could be deceptive in the clear air of the desert, but had estimated that they could be no more than sixty miles away. As she watched the thin morning clouds pass over her, driven on the eastern wind, she wondered if their windward slopes would gather moisture in the same way as the eastern slopes of the barrier mountains. Since their western slopes were hidden in shadow, she could not tell if they were green with vegetation or as barren as the rest of the desert. In the late morning, before the heat of the day, she came to the top of another hill and spied the mountains again in the distance, but she could not discern any detail because of the waves of heat and the movement of the air in the intervening distance. Perhaps she would find out at nightfall. She wondered if she would be able to reach the distant mountains and learn their nature before she died. If the terrain became rougher, she knew that she would not survive long enough unless she found another source of water first.

The next morning, Elain found a dry wash that ran nearly directly east. Since it was easier to follow the wash than to climb across the ridges surrounding it, she decided to follow the wash. She also considered that the wash might lead to water, although she knew this was a remote possibility. In any case, progress was easy to make on the hard-packed sandy surface on the floor of the wash, and there were many overhangs along the southern wall of the wash that she could use for shade during the heat of the day.

Elain followed the wash for more than a day. She knew how easy it could be to become confused and lose direction in the gentle turnings of the valley, so she often checked her direction with the moon or the sun, and found that the wash ran consistently down and to the east.

At the end of the tenth day, the wash joined a larger valley, with steeper walls, that lead to the northeast. Elain saw that the walls of the valley angled away toward the east, and were frequently interrupted by other washes or smaller gullys. She decided to follow the valley. If it changed direction, it was still possible to climb out and traverse the plateau from which the valley and the washes had been carved, but she did not relish the idea of traveling over these badlands. She decided to follow the valley as far east as it went.

In the morning of the twelfth day, the valley broadened out into a vast area. Elain knew that she was standing on the floor of an ancient lake or sea. The ground was as flat and hard as the floor of a ballroom, and colored a chalky white.

Elain could not gauge the distance to the other side of the dried sea. In the distance, the mountains looked closer. Perhaps another two days and she would be at their base. But in another two days, her camel might well be dead.

Elain was half surprised that the camel had survived so long without anything to eat or drink. She had heard that camels could live as long as sixteen days without food or water in the northern deserts, but those deserts were not as hot as this, and the caravans of the northern desert did not attempt the pace that Elain had set.

Elain made camp early, away from the dried sea, in what shade she could find, and rested as well as she could. In the late afternoon, she took inventory. She had enough food to live for another two weeks, but only enough water for another four days. Ai had been right; she should have brought more water. She had her armour and the weapons she had brought to kill the dragon. They did not seem as important any more. She had her all-important tent, her royal seals, her water tester, a small purse of money, and a change of clothing. She carried little else.

As the sun began to set, she took her armour out of her pack and set it on the ground. She set her two-handed sword next to it. With one of her short daggers, she scratched her name and the name of her family in the paint on front of the chestplate of her armour, above her coat of arms. Anyone who found this weapon and armour would know not only from what great house she came, but exactly who she was.

A moment later, imagining who might find this, she added, below the coat of arms, the following: These arms are yours. Please tell my family where you found them.

At nightfall, she set off across the dry sea, heading southeast, which she judged to be the direction of the shortest crossing. The floor of the sea was still so hot that she could not comfortably touch it. She and the camel alternated between a slow jog and a brisk walk. During the moonless hours, she did not stop, but kept on by starlight. The ground was smooth and nearly featureless, and she believed that to be caught in the midst of the dry sea at dawn would spell certain death.

As the sky began to glow in the east, she was gladdened to see, silloueted against the rosy sky, a line of rough, low hills. The end of the sea was near, perhaps no more than a few miles away.

Shortly before dawn, the floor of the sea became rough and uneven, in a way that reminded Elain of the effect of tree roots under the flagstones of the courtyard of her castle. Less than fifteen minutes later, she came to an abrupt break in the sea floor. The floor here had shifted, moved by forces Elain could hardly imagine, breaking the very rocks on which the floor lay. It was as if one side of the sea had raised up, and the other had been lowered. Elain was standing at the top of a rough cliff, approximately ten feet high, that ran to her left and right as far as she could see.

She found a place where the slope had crumbled enough to make it passable for the camel, and led the beast to the base of the slope. They continued on. The sun was well above the hills before she reached the foot of the hills looming ahead.

She quickly pitched her tent and collapsed into a deep sleep.

It was after nightfall when she awoke. She checked on her camel. It was still alive, but its skin was hanging in folds and she knew that the animal was reaching its limits. It was sluggish and slow to respond to her commands.

They walked into the night, following the base of the hills northeast, but staying in easily traveled dry sea bed. Elain sensed that the ground was sloping away slightly, and she was following the slope down.

An hour before dawn, she was startled to hear an unexpected sound–the shrill cry of a bird flying overhead. It was the first evidence of life, other than herself and her camel, that she had seen in nearly two weeks. She adjusted her heading toward the direction to which she thought the bird had been heading, and increased her pace.

At dawn, she was astonished to find herself looking down into a large valley filled almost entirely with a green-hued lake. An hour later, she was standing on the shore of the lake, wondering if this was her salvation or just a taunt from fate before she died.

Elain unlatched the saddle and her pack from the camel’s back and dropped them into the sand on the shore. She released the reins, and the camel lurched unsteadily into the lake and began to drink. Elain did not attempt to stop it, although she knew that the water of desert lakes is often filled with poison leached from the dead soil. She knew that the camel was about to die anyway, and if the water was poisonous, it would not bring death to the camel much more rapidly than lack of water. Even if the water was pure, however, Elain did not know whether it could save the camel, whose eyes had begun to glaze over.

Elain explored the shore of the lake. The lake was surrounded by an area of large pebbles in a matrix of sand. Elain knew that water had run here at one time, but could not begin to guess how long ago. She enjoyed the sound of the pebbles shifting beneath her shoes as she walked along the shore. It reminded her of the pebble garden of her aunt.

= = = = =

“Lainlain, my dearest, will you come join me for a moment in my sitting room?”

“Yes, Auntie Ningning.”

“Elain, you have grown so much since I have last seen you. It is hard to believe you are only ten.”

“Auntie, you always say that. My mother says I am tall for my age.”

“Yes, you have always seemed older than your years. But I have a question for you. I have been watching you play. I have noticed that when you play hide and seek, you often choose the same hiding spot, in the bushes around the fountain. Why is that?”

“I don’t always choose the same place. It depends who is playing.”

“But today it is always the same.”

“There are only two of us today. Just me and Shanshan. We take turns being it.”

“So why do you choose to hide around the fountain when you play against Shanshan?”

“She can run much faster than I can.”

“So you let her win so it can be your turn?”

“No, I hide near the fountain so I can win. I like to win.”

“How does it help you to hide near the fountain? She knows you like to hide there, and she always looks for you there first. It’s always a very short game. How does that help you win?”

“Since there are only two of us, the game is very simple, really. It doesn’t matter where I hide because I am the only person she is looking for. It would be boring just waiting for her to find me, if I hid well. There would be no hope she would find someone else first instead of me. So the only thing that matters is running back to home. As soon as she spots me, I have to run. So I let her see me. But only at the right time, when she is at the other end of the fountain.”

“How can you control when she finds you?”

“She has to walk one around the fountain or the other. If she chooses the way that I have gone, then I lose unless I am lucky. But if she goes the other way, then I can hide in the gutter that circles the fountain. She can’t see me unless she is right next to me, or if I let her see me. I don’t let her see me until she is on the other side of the fountain.”

“But how do you know where she is?”

“I can hear her shoes going crunch crunch on the pebbles that surround the fountain. I know where she is even though she cannot see or hear me.”

“That’s very smart. But what if she starts doing the same thing to you?”

“That would be boring. Once we know each others tricks, there is not much fun in the game.”

“That’s true, Elain, very true. Now, there’s something else I wanted to ask you about. Something serious.”

“Yes, auntie?”

“Shanshan has been summoned to the court. I think she is going to be given her challenge.”

“But she is only fifteen! I thought challenges were given during the seventeenth year. Why would she be given a challenge so early?”

“I don’t know, Elain. But I cannot think of any other reason for her to be summoned. I will go with her, and try to prepare her.”

“What did they tell her? What did the summons say?”

“It said nothing about the challenge, and they did not tell her anything. In fact, she doesn’t even know that she has been summoned. They sent the message to me. I will tell her after we have finished our conversation. She does not know yet. Please don’t say a word about this.”

“OK, auntie. I will keep it a secret.”

“Thank you, Elain. I know you will. But there is also something else that I want you to keep secret. I want you to do a favor for me. A very important favor.”

“What is it?”

“I would like to give you this necklace. I’m afraid it’s not very pretty, but it would mean very much to me for you to have it.”

“It is very heavy.”

“Yes, and it is not really meant to be worn. The pendant is the royal seal of our house. Do you know what that means?”

“No, auntie. What is the royal seal?”

“This is like a key to a door, in a way. It does not open a lock, but it represents authority. This castle and all of the land around it belong to the holder of this seal. The guards take their orders from the holder of this seal. The taxes and levies sent to me are sent to me because I hold this seal.”

“But why?”

“It is complicated to explain, and I do not have time to explain right now. I will have Minying explain it to you.”

“But why are you giving it to me?”

“Lainlain, I am afraid of losing it on the trip. What if I drop it when I am riding? Or something else happens to it?”

“But I might lose it just as easily.”

“Yes, that is true. Just last night you lost your snuggly, if I remember correctly. Would you be more comfortable letting Chowying keep it safe for you?”

“Yes, auntie. I don’t want to lose your castle!”

“Don’t worry, Lainlain, I think it will be safe with you. Here’s what we should do. I’ve written a note to Chowying explaining that he should guard the seal for you until I ask for it. For Shanshan, if she asks for it first.”

“But they you are not really giving it to me.”

“Yes, I am. You can ask Chowying for it any time you want. But you cannot actually give orders with it until you have passed your challenge.”

“Do you think I will?”

“Yes, I do. More than anyone. But here, you must sign this note for Chowying. And remember, do not tell anyone about this. Anyone at all.”

“Not even Shanshan?”

“Don’t worry, I’ll tell her myself.”

“I hope she passes.”

“I hope so too. Oh, one last secret for you. I think this one will make you smile. When you sign this note, you will be a princess. A real princess. Isn’t that exciting?”

“But when Shanshan passes, then she will be the princess.”

“Yes, but I thought you might enjoy being a princess for a little while, too. Ah, I hear the carriage coming. I must go and find Shanshan. We will be leaving in just a few moments. Goodbye, Lainlain.”

“Goodbye, Auntie Ningning.”

“Remember our secret. Now, give me a hug, Princess Lu Elain, keeper of the seal of Lu, ruler of the western barony.”

“Am I really all those things?”

“No, not yet. Not until you pass your challenge, and not unless Shanshan fails hers.”

“She will pass.”

“I hope so. I hope so. Goodbye, my dearest. Remember me, until I see you again. Keep my castle in good order!”

Four soldiers entered the room and stood at the door. Lady Ningning rose, nodded to the soldiers, and walked past them down the hall. The soldiers followed.

Elain folded the letter to Chowyin around the seal, and wondered whether Shanshan would come to say goodbye. A few moments later, without a goodby from Shanshan, Elain heard the carriage roll away, its wheels clicking over the pebbles that filled the inner courtyard.

Elain never saw Ningning or Shanshan again.

= = = = =

Elain found the goat tracks that lead down to the water in several places, and this was a cause for great optimism. If goats could drink the water, there was a chance that she could as well. And in either case, she could hunt the goats for food. Cooking the goats afterward might present a challenge, but Elain guessed that whatever the goats ate for food would burn after being dried in the sun. In the worst case, she knew she could live on raw meat for a short while, although she knew the dangers that presented as well.

She made plans track the goats back to the hills and determine where she could set up her camp to avoid disturbing their trails, so the would not be frightened away be her presence. She began to think about what she might do next. There was no telling how much farther the desert might stretch, and she had yet to see any sign of the dragon. Perhaps it lived near this lake, but perhaps not. Perhaps, if the water was good, and her camel returned to health, she could retrace her steps and escape the desert, and return to Chengzu.

Elain shook her head. She would not return. She had barely survived the journey in this direction, and she knew that this had been the easy direction. She knew the climb to the pass of the barrier mountains was more than she would be able to accomplish after another two weeks in the climate. And in any case, there was nothing for her in Chengzu.

But the same was true if she caught the dragon. Even if the great dragon appeared and fell down dead at her feet without a fight–an image that made Elain smile–she was still in the same predicament. She would never survive long enough to return and tell anyone of her victory, much less carry its head back to the court in order to claim her heritage. But she would pursue the dragon anyway, and hope that fate had something better for her than to leave her bones to bleach in the sun on the shore of this quiet lake.

Elain sat down on a large boulder near the edge of the water. Perhaps the boulder would serve as cover to ambush the goats. She had a momentary thought that if she did manage to kill the dragon and return with its head, she would send an expedition into the desert to find this stone and bring it to her. She would have her throne carved from it, perhaps.

Elain then realized that she had not had enough to drink, and she was experiencing the begining of delerium. She knew she would need to drink again soon, but first she would test the water of the lake.

She filled a small vial with water and then added a measurement of a sand-like substance from her water testing kit. The substance had been a wonderful discovery from her time exploring and learning desert survival skills in the northern deserts. In parts of the desert, there were places that were dry for many years, but subject to occasional rainfall. When the rain was enough to form puddles on the ground, a strange thing occurred–small, shrimp-like creatures would emerge from the wet sand and gather in the puddles. They would live there for a day or two, and then die, but before dying, lay many small eggs in the sand. The next time rain came to the area, the cycle would be repeated.

The natives noticed that the shrimp-like creatures only lived in certain areas, and eventually they determined the pattern. The areas of the desert where the sand was poisoned and the oasis were unhealthy to drink were devoid of the creatures, while other areas were not. Eventually it was discovered that the creatures could be used to test the water from wells or other sources directly: if the sand was wetted with the water and the creatures emerged, then in nearly every case the water was safe for a person to drink, at least after boiling. If the shrimp did not emerge, or died immediately after emerging, then the water was not healthy.

Elain stopped the vial with a small cork, and then returned to her thoughts as she waited for the results. It would take at least an hour before she would know.

She surveyed her surroundings. Her camel had wandered out far enough so that the level of the water was slightly below its knees. It stood motionless in the water, but Elain was not concerned. It was probably simply asleep; she had seen camels sleeping on their feet in much the same way. Perhaps when it awoke it would be healthy again, or perhaps not. Elain would have a plan for either contingency.

Tucking the vial inside her cloak to prevent it from being scorched by the sun, Elain returned to the large rock, her throne, at the edge of the lake, and began to plan. As she thought, she noticed that the sun was climbing higher into the sky. It was time to set up her tent so that she would not be out in the midday sun. But that could wait for a moment or two. But for the moment, she just wanted to look at the lake. After two weeks in the desert, she thought that it might be the most beautiful thing she had ever seen.

Elain gave herself five minutes to sit on the rock. She soon found herself thinking about Hiram and Ai Danning as she watched the reflections of the sun dance on the ripples in the lake.

= = = = =

Ai: “Hiram will not help you. On the contrary, he is dangerous and must not be confronted. You may be able to avoid him, but I do not think you can defeat him.

“I would like to tell you another story about Hiram. Maybe it will let you understand the kind of person he is, or was.

“My tale takes place during the year after the defeat of the pirates, when small bands of increasingly desperate pirates still threatened the coast.”

Lu: “The league of pirates was broken more than eighty years ago. Since this happened after Hiram had been wandering as an adult for several years, that would make Hiram more than one hundred years old. Why should I fear a centarian?”

Ai: “He does not age as we do. It seems that time has little hold on him. If you meet him, he may to be no older than me, yet he was born before my grandfather. And he is very dangerous, and ruthless, as you will learn from this tale.”

Lu: “I might find your stories more frightening if they were more believable.”

Ai: “Yes, fear is mostly based on belief. But perhaps you will find my story entertaining, and therefore memorable, and I hope that something you hear in my story will prove useful to you in the future. I also hope that you permit me, as I serve as your host, to indulge my wish to share this story with you, my guest.”

Elain was embarrased. It is standard etiquitte to permit the host to tell a story, and for the guest to attend to the story.

Ai: “I do enjoy your comments, however, and find it especially helpful when you point out any inconsistencies in my story, or anything that you feel is especially hard to believe. I always strive to tell my tales as clearly as possible. I am sure that they have gotten much better since I started telling them to the pilgrims who travel to the eastern desert, but I am also certain that there is still room for significant improvement.”

Lu: “Please continue your story. What happened to Hiram in Weilan?”

Ai: “Before I mention what happened to Hiram, I will begin with what happened to Weilan.

“After following his trail across half of the western coast, I reached the port of Weilan and learned that he had left his mark on another town.

“Weilan, being a relatively small city at that time, had little commerce or wealth. Although a coastal city, it is not known for shipping or even fishing because it had a remarkably treacherous port. It now has a much better port, thanks to one of the more interesting engineering works of the past century, but that is a story for another time.

“The city is at the mouth of a minor river that drains a large area of salt marshes that are separated from the sea by a morraine of soil and boulders. The river is shallow and filled with rocks, and the effect of the tide filling and draining the marshes means that the river actually changes direction with the changing of the tide. The strength of the current, coupled with the difficulty of avoiding the many rocks, meant that the harbor could only safely navigated by ships at high tide. It was usually only safe to enter the harbor in the hour or so before high tide, and only safe to leave in the hour or two afterward.

“To make matters even more difficult, in the center of the channel, in the middle of the deepest water, there are eight large and jagged rocks just beneath the surface at high tide. At low tide, they stand like small houses in the middle of the harbor. They reminded me of tombs more than anything else. The locals call them the teeth of the river. Perhaps this is their joke, referring to the mouth of the river, but there is no question that many vessels have been chewed up by those teeth, both entering or leaving the harbor. All in all, a very treacherous harbor.

“Now, about the town itself. As I mentioned earlier, Weilan was not wealthy, and its harbor was difficult to navigate, and so it had never been a target of the pirates that plagued much of the coast at that time. It was not a walled city, nor did it even have a meaningful keep or small fortress. It did not even have a garrison of royal troops. A small number of professional soldiers could have sacked the town with little loss.

“Although there was little ordinary wealth in the town, the town was the site of a shrine of one of the rulers of an early dynasty of the kings of the central valley. There were local legends that the birthplace of the founder of the dynasty was in Weilan, and hence the shrine. The centerpiece of this shrine was, and is, a large tablet carved with a relief of the first king of the central valley and many inscriptions in a forgotten language. The tablet was a single piece of stone is an unusual type, not found in the area. The story is that the stone was brought over the sea on a large ship that managed, due to the great skill of the first king, to navigate the harbor. This story seems reasonable, although there is another legend that the stone was originally one of the teeth of the river. I do not feel that the provenance of the stone is essential to the story, but it is important to understand that the object was large and heavy.

“Now, let me test your memory of history and what I have told you. Can you guess what happened, and why what I have told you is important?”

Lu: “I will try.

“During that time, the pirates were becoming desperate as their usual sources of plunder disappeared because the sea lanes were closed due to war and disaster. At roughly the same time, the ninth dynasty of the kings of the northern cities began to collect as many relics of the kingdom of the central valley as they could, in an attempt to link themselves to the history of the region and gain credibility as rulers of this region. Therefore, realizing a defenseless town held a great treasure, and knowing that they had the means to steal it, some pirates brought their ship into Weilan harbor and attempted to steal the tablet. Hiram fought with them. Since you described the difficulty of navigation in the harbor in such detail, I assume that the teeth of the river are important in some way. Perhaps the pirates, fleeing from Hiram, lost their ship on these rocks. And then, because he had revealed who he was, Hiram was cast out of the town.”

Ai: “Your guess is very good, and almost entirely correct, except for the final parts. The pirates did not flee from Hiram, and Hiram was not forced to leave by the townspeaple. It is entirely true that pirates did come to Weilan to steal the tablet, probably for the reasons that you mention, and it is true that they were thwarted.

“But I think it will be more interesting to hear it the way that I tell it, because this is a story about Hiram, not the pirates, although I will continue by telling you something about them.

“I believe that their plan was sound. About a week before the robbery attempt they landed, in a completely peaceful manner, at a town a day’s ride to the south. While there, they reprovisioned for a long sea journey, so they would not need to return to any nearby port while still carrying their plunder. They also sent several of their crew, disguised as pilgrims, by the costal road to Weilan to explore the town and study the best way to steal the tablet. I am sure they had a time-table arranged, based on the tide, for when and how they would take the tablet, transport it to the main dock in the harbor just at high tide, and the immediately depart, helped on their way by the changing tide.

“I have often wondered how the pirates planned to move the tablet to the harbor. Perhaps their planning was incomplete, or perhaps they underestimated how heavy it was. Or maybe they did have a plan. We will probably never know. Hiram certainly did not mention it, and I did not think to ask. It is a large piece of stone, but there must be some way to move it, because it had been moved to that location somehow, probably by a barge through the marsh. Who knows–it may have been moved there by the ancestors of the pirates themselves.

“Despite their planning, the pirates were thwarted more by bad luck than anything else. It certainly was not Hiram, even though he participated in their ultimate demise. If it had been up to him, my guess is that he wouldn’t have gotten involved at all. I don’t think Hiram had any interest in religious artifacts or the health or well-being of his fellow Weilanians.

“But now it is time to describe Hiram’s time in Weilan before the arrival of the pirates.

“Hiram, who was traveling under another name, of course, lived in the small city for several months before the tale takes place. During that time, he was known as a rogue and a fighter. Initially, he was unable to control his manners or to avoid the tempation to become violent. He did not demonstrate his true nature, although he did toy with his adversaries before hurting or maiming them. He didn’t make any friends, but I also believe he didn’t kill anyone in an open fight in Weilan.

“It is also possible that people may have changed their story after the events I am about to describe.

“After several months of establishing a reputation as a fighter, Hiram went through a period of change. Perhaps he decided he liked Weilan, and wanted to stay there for a long time, and knew that by fighting he would only draw the wrong kind of attention to himself and he would eventually be identified. Perhaps one of the local women caught his eye; perhaps he simply enjoyed the local cuisine. For whatever reason, he seemed to make an earnest attempt to be come an ordinary, peaceful citizen.

“When Hiram first arrived in Weilan, he had bragged of being a great soldier and warrior, returning from the border wars with the Nog, which is actually not a complete lie, although I doubt he told anyone the truth about his role in that conflict.

“He used his fictional war stories to bolster his reputation and also to help explain his transformation. He claimed he was having difficulty reintegrating himself into ordinary life, which is a common problem among veterans of such wars, who carry the memories of terrifying violence and inhumanity back to their quiet homes when the war is over. One can only imagine what Hiram was thinking. It certainly wasn’t the same terror other soldiers felt, but it tortured him no less.

“So, on the day when the pirates arrived, Hiram was well on his way to settling in to a peaceful and quiet life at Weilan and wanted nothing more than to be left alone.

“The exact sequence of events is uncertain–Hiram told me his story, and the people in the town had many stories as well, but here are the simple facts. The pirates who had been sent on ahead were unable to steal the tablet, due, according to the stories in the town, to a set of very unlikely events that they attribute to fate or their gods defense of the tablet. Hiram tells the story differently, attributing it to the unfortunate combination of a drunken watchman in the town who foolishly challenged the pirates. The watchman was killed, but the alarm was raised, and the pirates realized that their plans had been foiled, and fled to the harbor, where they barricaded themselves inside a warehouse for several hours until their ship arrived.

“In a larger town, this would have been the end of them: the warehouse would have been stormed, the pirates captured, and their ship met with armed resistance. But there was no garrison in the town, and few of the men cared enough about the pirates or protecting the tablet to risk their lives. I’m not even sure that they actually set a guard on the warehouse. In any case, when the ship arrived, the pirates in the warehouse emerged and met the ship and explained the situation.

“The pirates must have been both desperate and confident, because they did not simply sail away when the tide turned. Instead, they issued an ultimatum. If the people in the town brought the tablet to the dock within one day, they would live. Otherwise, the pirates threatened to burn the town.”

Lu: “Why did they wait for one day? The next high tide would have been only about twelve hours away. And the longer they were there, the more likely it would be that the town would organize some resistance, or be able to call in soldiers from neighboring towns.”

Ai: “Yes, you are correct. The pirates took a calculated risk. They thought it was unlikely that any soldiers could be summoned in less than one day, and they knew that the treacherous harbor would be even more difficult to navigate in the dark of the night. Whether by coincidence or design, they had arrived in day of the new moon, when the tide is highest, making it easier to navigate during the day, but even more dangerous at night.”

Lu: “But I am still surprised that they decided to wait at all.”

Ai: “Perhaps the value of the tablet was very high, or perhaps they were very desperate. People can take very dangerous risks when they believe they have no choice. There is no way to know their reasoning, however. We can only know the result. They left the wharf and anchored their ship on the far side of the the channel, out of effective bow range from the town.

“Meanwhile, back in the town, there was a state of panic. Nobody knew how to move the tablet. I’m sure that they would have given up the tablet in order to save themselves, but they had no idea how. Perhaps the pirates had given them instructions, or perhaps they still did not appreciate the difficulty. From what I gather, none of the pirates got close enough to the tablet to see it.

“When Hiram described the panicked attempts by the townsfolk to move the tablet, it was clear that he found the situation somewhat amusing. His lack of concern, however, may have been what caused his problems.

“After several hours, the townspeople despaired of moving the tablet and decided instead that the right course of action would be to defend their homes in whatever way they could. They quickly assembled all the weapons they had and all the able-bodied men who were willing to fight. Not many were. Most of the men decided to evacuate their families, and spent their time trying to pack up and flee the town.

“Perhaps this was the strategy of the pirates all along, because it certainly would have been much easier to waylay the refugees on the road and take their valuables–such as they were–than to try to search every house for every secret place where valuables might be hidden. But we will never know if this was their plan.

“Because of his alledged experience in warfare, Hiram was given the job of organizing and leading the defense. This caused him great worry. First, he was afraid that his alleged knowledge of strategy would be shown to be completely fictional. Hiram had never taken place in anything like an organized battle. Second, he was afraid that if pressed to actual combat, he would be forced to either reveal himself, or permit himself to be killed. He did not have much hope that the townspeople could actually defend themselves against a trained and experienced fighting force, and therefore if there was fighting, it would be difficult for him to avoid fighting unless he fled, but if he fled, then he would appear a coward, and someone of that he had anatagonized would challenge him.

“He realized that his reasonably comfortable time in Weilan was over. The idea made Hiram furious. Can you guess what he did about it?”

Lu: “Did he kill a lot of people?”

Ai: “Yes, but that is not hard to guess! Most stories about Hiram include the death of many other people. But more detail may be amusing.

“Hiram went down to the harbor to watch the pirate ship and hope for inspiration. He was fortunate enough to have one.

“As the sun set, it began to rain. It was not a serious storm, but there was enough wind and rain, and the night was dark enough, and the pirate ship was far enough away, that he could hardly see it. As the night fell, he found that he could not see the outline of the ship at all, and the sound of the wind and rain masked any but the loudest of sounds. He realized that the pirates could not see him at all, or anyone else in the town. If all sources of light in the town were extinguished, then the town would be invisible.”

Lu: “So, did he order all of the lights doused, and then do something brilliant to deceive the pirates under the cover of darkness, so that when the morning came the pirates were destroyed?”

Ai: “That would have been one possibility, but if Hiram entertained any such idea, he did not share it with me. No, his thoughts ran in a different direction.

“Hiram sent all the men home shortly after dark, telling them to eat well and get what sleep they could, because they would need all of their strength for the next day. In answer to their questions, he told them that there was little they could do to prepare that would be more effective than a good sleep, and that they would have plenty of time to prepare for the pirates tomorrow. Hiram told the men to gather on the wharf in the morning at first light, and then dismissed all of them except one–an old man named Aesop.

“The men returned to their homes. I doubt many of them were able to follow Hiram’s advice and get a good sleep; there were many worried men in the town that night, and weapons were sharpened for long hours in many homes. None of them play much more of a role in this story, however, but for a moment we must focus on Aesop.

“Aesop was a fisherman and one of the few people with enough skill to regularly navigate the harbor. The men speculated that Hiram had had some idea about attacking the pirates while they were still at anchor, before they could reach the town, and wanted to consult with Aesop.

“Aesop was also one of the men who had made things most difficult in the town. As a young man, Aesop had served in the army, and he openly suspected that Hiram was dishonest about his own experiences. He accused Aesop of being a deserter who was fleeing service rather than a returning veteran, and made a habit of pointing out every inconsistency in Hiram’s stories.

“Nobody believed Aesop, or, at least, out of politeness to Hiram, did not agree openly. Nevertheless, Hiram was terrified that people would eventually begin to take Aesop’s accusations seriously. After all, Hiram knew that they were the truth.

“Now I will diverge from the true account of events and tell the story from the point of view of the men in the town who had stayed to fight and defend their homes.

“The next morning, the men assembled at the wharf, and were both astonished and releived to see that the pirate ship was gone. Some time during the night, when it must have become even windier, it had dragged its anchor, or perhaps simply snapped the anchor rope, and been driven into the teeth. Or perhaps the pirates had lost confidence in their strategy and, fearing that the town would be reinforced, had foolishly decided to flee during the high tide during the night and had sailed directly into the rocks. This was a more sensible explaination, because the likelihood of the ship dragging both of its anchors and hitting the teeth before they could set another seemed small.

“No matter what the explaination, little remained of the ship except a few beams wedged between two of the teeth when the tide ebbed. There was no trace of the pirates.

“The men rejoiced at their good fortune. Some of them believed that providence had taken a hand and saved them and their sacred tablet. Others were simply thankful that the dreadful harbor, which had prevented the town from ever becoming a flourishing port, had finally turned out to be an asset.

“But their happiness was soon tainted by curiosity. Where were Hiram and Aesop? Had they fled during the night, before they had known what fate awaited the pirates? Perhaps, some of the men speculated, but not together. After all, there was no friendship between Hiram and Aesop.

“I don’t think anyone would have been surprised or disappointed if Hiram had fled, because he had relatively little attachement to the town. It really wasn’t his fight, except that the townspeople had made it his.

“Aesop was another story. It was hard to imagine Aesop leaving the town; as far as anyone remembered, the only time Aesop had left town in the past twenty years was on his fishing boat.

“A small search was made for Aesop. If Hiram had fled, there was no compelling reason to believe that he would return, but everyone expected that Aesop would return as soon as he learned that the pirates were gone.

“The searchers quickly discovered that Aesop’s small dingy was missing from the dock, although his fishing boat was still tied to its slip. It was difficult to believe that Aesop would have chosen to flee by boat, and even more difficult to believe that he would have chosen to flee in his dingy. At this point, everyone in the town was very curious about what had happened and every part of the harbor was investigated for any trace of Aesop and Hiram.

“Would you care to guess what they found?”

Lu: “I would guess that the pirate ship did not drag its anchor. I would guess that Hiram and Aesop were responsible in some way. But this does not explain their disappearance, so I am curious.”

Ai: “Yes, the townsfolks guessed the same thing, and were similarly curious.

“Piecing together the evidence that they found, they eventually agreed that the following had taken place: some time just before the high tide in the middle of the night, Aesop had tied one end of a long rope to the cleat at the end of the wharf, and then rowed to the other side of the river and tied the other end to the base of a large tree. Both ends of the rope were found, and each end was long enough to reach the middle of the river, although the rope had been broken in the middle and no longer spanned the river. The rope would have passed just a hundred yards or so upriver from the pirate ship.

“But why would Aesop have done this? And if he had, why would he be missing?

“The mystery deepened when the anchors for the pirate ship were found. Both were found in the middle of the channel. Neither had been dragged nor had the anchor rope broken. It had been cut.

“The townsfolk devised an explaination that bears some similarity to the legend of Phileas, if you know that old story. They believe that Hiram and Aesop, after running the rope across the river, then rowed back to the center of the river directly upstream of the pirate ship, tied the dinghy to the rope, and then waited for the tide to begin to run out. When it did, Hiram tied himself to the dinghy by a second rope, and slipped into the water. The current carried him past the pirate ship and Aesop moved the dinghy in one direction or another in order to ensure that the current brought Hiram up on the ship. Upon reaching the ship, Hiram cut the lee anchor rope most of the way through first, leaving it with enough strength to be taut, so the pirates would not suspect anything, but not enough strength to resist the tide. Then, at the moment when the tide was running most quickly, he cut through the windward anchor rope. The pirates must have noticed this immediately, but there was no time for them to react. In less than a minute, they were on the teeth.

“But what of Hiram and Aesop? The snapped rope implied the end of the story. The theory is that Hiram’s rope became entangled somehow with the pirate ship, and he was pulled along with it. Aesop’s dinghy, at the other end of Hiram’s rope, was pulled hard enough to snap the rope across the river. The dinghy was them destroyed on the teeth a moment after the destruction of the pirate ship, and Hiram and Aesop were swept out into the open sea by the tide.

“By nightfall of the third day after the destruction of the pirate ship, there was little remaining hope that Aesop or Hiram were still alive, although some optimists waited for more than a week before despairing. If they had been in the dinghy, they would have found a way to return in the first day or so, and if not, then there was little reason to believe that they would have survived for more than a day or two in the open ocean.

“Within two weeks, Aesop and Hiram were remembered as heros of the town. Hiram’s bad habits were forgotten, as was the animosity between Hiram and Aesop. If you ever visit Weilan, I’ve heard that you will find that there is a small but prominent statue of the two of them at the end of the new wharf.

“A very pleasant and heroic story, but we know that it isn’t entirely true.”

Lu: “Because we know that Hiram survived?”

Ai: “Yes, that’s part of it. Hiram survived, but Aesop apparently did not. I supposed that Aesop could have died or been lost while Hiram survived, but it is hard to see how.

“No, the truth is that Hiram could not see any way that his peaceful existance it Weilan could continue–or perhaps he was simply bored with the town–and he was angry, and so he decided to have his revenge on Aesop and the pirates and then disappear.

“I don’t know when he killed Aesop. Perhaps the true story began in the same manner as believed by the townspeople, or perhaps Hiram ran the rope across the river by himself. Hiram did not say, but he did tell me that he had murdered Aesop.

“I will not speculate; I will simply tell you what Hiram chose to tell me. At the height of the tide, in a heavy rainstorm, Hiram brought the dinghy to the pirate ship and boarded it. After killing everyone on board, he stacked their bodies in the dinghy. He then rowed past the teeth and dumped the bodies into the water, knowing that the current would take them far away. He then returned to the pirate ship, and, when the tide was running at its peak, he cut the anchor ropes. The pirate ship was destroyed on the teeth a few moments later.

“The important things I want you to remember from this story is why Hiram killed, and how. He killed Aesop to repay an insult and to conceal his lies. He killed the pirates out of annoyance. After all, he was never in any real danger from them. He could have walked away.

“But also consider that he killed the entire crew of a pirate ship–experienced fighters, and probably experienced killers–in a matter of moments. I doubt that he caught them unaware; they would surely have set a watch. No, it is my belief that he made no attempt at stealth, and from his description of the fight, I suspect he may even have taunted them. And yet he killed them all, in less time than it takes for me to describe it, and he did so without even receiving so much as a scratch.

“I repeat my advice; do not seek Hiram, and do not fight him. He is dangerous beyond your understanding.”

Lu: “But how did he escape? If he was on the pirate ship, then he would have gone to the teeth also. Or did he climb into the dinghy and pull himself back up to the rope running across the river?”

Ai: “No, the dinghy was still tied to the ship, which is why it broke the cross-river rope.”

Lu: “So, what did he do?”

Ai: “He told me that he passed across the river onto the far shore.”

Lu: “He swam?”

Ai: “No, he walked.”

Lu: “How could he walk across the water?”

Ai: “Ah, now we come to the part that may be the most difficult to believe, and yet may be the most important.

“He tried to explain it to me, but at the time, I did not understand. I began to understand it much later, but you will probably have the same doubts that I did, when I first heard it.

“He first compared his movement across the water to the skipping of a stone across a still pond, but then he paused and withdrew the metaphor.

“He told me that it would be better to think of him moving like the shimmering light reflected in ripples on water in a breeze.”

= = = = =

Elain sat on the rock and watched the ripples reflect the sunlight. The exhaustion of her long journey and her dehydration were taking their toll on her mind. She felt a sudden urge to strip naked and bathe in the lake. Perhaps she would have a chance later, but there was no time. She remembered the importance of setting up her tent, and the necessity of drinking more water. She was aware, once more, that her judgment was lapsing.

The wind in this valley was much less than it had been in the open desert, at least at this hour of the day. The air was almost still. A bird flew overhead, but did not stop. The valley was so quiet that Elain thought she could hear the sound of the air moving through its feathers.

Elain thought about the bird, and where it might be going. Perhaps an even better valley is nearby. Elain thought about the ripples in the water. The air was almost still, but there were many ripples. The lake was not large enough to have a tidal effect. No, there was something she was forgetting. Elain watched the ripples. There seemed to be a pattern to them. Elain struggled to remember what this might mean.

The ripples were spreading through the water in a wedge shape. The point of the wedge was pointed directly at her sleeping camel. As she watched, the point moved forward slowly. With sudden alarm, Elain realized what it might be.

Elain leapt from the rock and ran towards her pack and the camel. The pebbles clicked and ground together beneath her shoes. At the sound, her camel opened its eyes and began to turn its head. Elain shouted the command for her camel to come to her. The took a step forward and then paused, slowly rousing from its sleep. Elain repeated her command with increased urgency and continued her run.

Reaching her pack, and trusting that the camel would obey her, Elain did not shout again or wait to see if the animal was moving. With steady fingers she unfastened her weapon satchel and dumped the contents on the ground. In a graceful and well-practiced sequence, she dropped to one knee, picked up her longbow, jammed one end in the sand, found the dangling bowstring with her right hand, pulled down with all her the weight with her left, looped the bowstring over the end, released the bow and caught it in her left hand while her right hand reached for the quiver of steel-headed arrows, found one, and nocked it, and pulled it to full draw, aiming just behind the camel.

The camel was no more than forty feet away from Elain, but the ripples were close behind it. Elain shouted for it to run. The camel lurched forward and took its last step.

The water erupted behind the camel and Elain saw a great dark-green dragon lunge forward and, with jaws more than a yard long, fasten itself to one of the rear legs of the camel. The camel let out a braying scream, tried to kick at the dragon, and lost its footing as the dragon tugged at the leg it was holding.

Elain loosed an arrow and saw it hit the dragon in the side of the head. To her dismay, her armour-piercing steel-tipped arrows did not penetrate the dragon’s scaly hide more than an inch. She immediately loosed another, aiming for the thrashing flank of the creature. As the arrow hit, she saw that it also had little effect, and her heart sank as she heard the creature snap off the leg of the camel.

The camel sank to its knees and the dragon released its grip and immediately took a new grip on its rump. Elain knew that the camel was doomed and that her arrows were useless, but she also knew that the camel was still carrying her waterskins and other important supplies. She couldn’t save the camel, but she had to try to save herself.

She dropped the bow, grabbed her boar-hunting spear in her right hand and her short poleaxe in her left, and ran into the water. The dragon released its grip again and refastened its jaws on the equipment fastened to the camel, which ripped loose. The camel turned to try to attack the dragon with its front hooves. The dragon released the luggage and leapt from the water to close its jaws around the camels neck.

Elain reached the dragon and drove her boar spear into the center of the dragon’s forehead. She felt the heavy point penetrate, but then the spear was ripped from her grasp as the dragon thrashed its head away from her. The spear was lodged in the dragon’s skull, and she could not extract it.

Holding her short poleaxe with both hands, Elain swung at the dragon’s neck with the spike instead of the blade. She guessed that the spike had penetrated as deep as the dragon’s spine, but the dragon seemed unaffected. Using the end of the shaft as a lever, Elain twisted the spike as hard as she could. She felt the dragon’s vertebrae seperate with a pop a moment before the shaft broke. The monster spasmed once, knocking Elain off her feet, and then lay still.

The fight had lasted no more than twenty seconds, and Elain had not had a moment to think. But Elain had been trained for this moment, and did not need to think. In the span of a heartbeat, she asssesed her situation. She had killed a dragon, but the dragon had killed her camel and apparently destroyed much of her equipment. Her waterskins were missing, and her tent was missing from view. Behind her, Elain’s bow and arrows were scattered on the shore, forty feet away, along with her short sword, and javelin. The broken shaft of her poleaxe was in her hand, her short spear was wedged in the skull of the dragon, and her long lance, which had been tied to the saddle of the camel, was pinned beneath its corpse. Elain was conscious that one of her feet was becoming stuck in the mud, and that her movements were hindered by her ankle-length robe, which was now heavy with water.

Her most urgent priority, however, was the source of a sound that Elain immediately recognized–the sound of something large running quickly towards her over the pebbles of the shore.

May 24, 2009

The great dragon of the eastern desert

Filed under: General — DannyO @ 10:17 am

OK, this is taking many more words than I anticipated.  Many more words.

I’m going to post the first chapterish thingy in a moment.  You might want to get a cup of coffee, or your favorite alternative stimulant, before you begin.

I’ll make some editing passes later…

GDotED: chapter 1

Filed under: General — DannyO @ 10:16 am

By the second year of the reign of young Queen Ling, the town of Chengzu, at the south-eastern frontier of the empire, had been almost forgotten. The older generation of its inhabitants remembered when the town thrived as a center of mining and shipping, but the peace made between Queen Lings father and the Sea Kings had put an end to its wealth. With commerce open via sea to the strange kingdoms to the south and west, beyond the impassible great eastern desert, it was less expensive to import gold and other minerals from across the sea than to mine them locally. In a matter of months, the wealthy merchants had left the town, in search of riches elsewhere. They were followed by the miners and metal workers, and then many of the other merchants.

Many of the residents of Chengzu, however, chose to stay. During its period of wealth, the town had been built well, and it remained a good place to raise a family, and was far from the intrigues, crime, and intolerance of the greater cities of the north. As groups of people left the town to find greater fortune elsewhere, they were replaced by people who sought a simpler life and content to work the fertile farms in the lower valley. They were also joined by people escaping from troubles of undisclosed natures in other parts of the kingdom. In both the figurative and literal senses, Chengzu is as far as someone can get from the rest of the empire without crossing the sea.

The social barriers so obvious in the heart of the kingdom were attentuated here. Members of obscure religions openly displayed symbols of their faith, a simple act that might have cost them their lives in other parts of the empire.

It was not unusual for the children of the families of Chengzu to play together, without regard to the ancestry or caste of their parents, and to explore well beyond the boundaries of the town during the course of their daily play, but it was very unusual for them to fail to return to their homes well before sunset.

—-

Ai Danning, caretaker of the facilities of the great gold mine, spent much of his time in Chengzu.
The facilities were located several miles outside of the town, at the foothills of the barrier mountains surrounding the great desert. They consisted of a group of buildings as large as a small village. The buildings were unoccupied because the mine was closed and the weather here was too windy and arid for farming.

His primary responsibility was to keep the facilities near the mine ready to restart operations, should the price of gold ever rise to the point where that made economic sense. Given the arid conditions and lack of people, this was an easy job. His most difficult chore, as far as most of the residents of Chengzu knew, was to keep squirrels, skunks, and raccoons from nesting in the old buildings. Some of the Chengzu folks thought he was crazy to spend time sweeping the walks, pruning back the slow-growing brush that grew in the sheltered areas between the buildings and along the road, and re-painting the buildings every year. Some of the others thought that he would probably go crazy if he hadn’t found ways to keep himself busy.

Although part of his job was to protect the mining facilities from being looted for equipment or raw ore stolen from the mine itself, there was little need for him to actually stand guard on the premises. It would be impossible for anyone to remove any of the heavy equipment except via the old road, which ran through the heart of the town, and the idea of working the mines themselves was nearly as unthinkable, because it would take a large crew to simply reopen the entrances. If such a crew appeared at the mine and attempted to restart the operation, Danning simply had to send a message to the garrison at Minlong, two days ride to the north, who would send a detachment to halt the work before it could progress very far. This meant that he could effectively keep an eye on the mine from several miles away, sitting in a small pub on the road, and this is how he occupied many of his days.

There had been a small amount of speculation and accompanying rumor about how Danning had gained his employment by the mining company, which was now owned by a corporation with offices in a distant city. All that most people knew was that the Danning had arrived in Chengzu early one autumn morning eight years ago, and, after spending several days exploring the town, had gone to visit the caretaker of the mines, an eccentric man who had been caretaker for almost ten years but who was virtually unknown in the town. Several days later, Danning returned through Chengzu and returned up the road. Seven weeks later, he returned to Chengzu, bearing letters from the mining company that named him caretaker of the mines. The previous caretaker then left Chengzu. Some of the farmers who were up very early that morning thought they saw a lone figure walking northward on the road, and although they they could not be sure that it was old caretaker, they assumed that it was. In any case, the caretaker and his possessions were gone from Chengzu, and most people were completely satisfied with Danning’s explanation that the previous caretaker had found the the job tedious and had decided to return to distant land of his ancestors.

In the seven years Danning had served as caretaker, there had been no attempts to steal anything, and the mine buildings were cleaner and better maintained than they had ever been during the operation of the mine. The most frequent visitors Danning had ever seen at the mine were young lovers who desired a clean and private place for undisturbed trysts, or young children exploring. For their sake, Danning always made sure to leave all of the buildings unlocked, with the exception of his personal hut. Nobody ever left much of a mess, and what mess they did leave behind was less trouble to clean up than replacing locks or broken windows.

There was very little traffic on the road itself. There wasn’t much reason to take the old road south out of town any more. After passing the old mines, the road ascended to the base of the barrier mountains and then snaked its way through a high, narrow pass before descending again to edge of the great desert. Nobody in Chengzu remembered why the road had been constructed, or even had a good theory about it. Many of the young men from Chengzu, curious about the road, had traversed the pass, but all had returned after seeing the vast emptiness of the desert. It would be suicide to try to cross it, a theory that that was supported by the fact that nobody, not even in fairy tales told to the children of Chengzu, had ever come out of the desert.

Besides the curious young men from the town, there were occasional travellers, richly attired but always riding alone, who would pass through Chengzu and continue down the road. They would often stop at the mines to use the well, and Danning would always be there to talk to them. Sometimes the conversation would be brief, but other times the rider would stay with Danning for as much as several days. At the end of their visit, some of the riders would retrace their steps to Chengzu, but most would continue along the road, pass over the mountains, and disappear into the desert. None of these riders was ever seen again.

It was usually the case that Danning would visit the Chengzu postmaster within a week after the departure of these riders, leaving a small parcel addressed to one of the great cities. Then Danning would spend the rest of the day at the pub.
—–

Five days before the new moon, three men rode into Chengzu. The were equipped for prospecting, asked the local officials for maps of the surrounding area and what land might be fallow or for sale. They were strangers to the town, but were treated with polite deference, as were all visitors.

The men stayed at the inn adjoining the pub that Danning frequented. When they had been in town for two days, Danning came to town to buy supplies, and heard of the three men. They were only asking about areas to the north of the town, and nothing near the mine, so Danning did not find the news very interesting. The innkeeper thought it unusual when Danning decided to stay at the inn that night instead of returning to the mine, because his usual custom was to return to the mine every night, unless the weather was bad or there was a late event in the town. This was not a festival evening, and the weather was unusually pleasant. The innkeeper supposed that perhaps Mr. Ai had, at long last, taken interest in a local woman.

There had been idle rumors that Danning and Xiu Feng, the former waitress at the pub, had spent some time alone together, but that had been at least six years ago, and most of the town residents no longer considered private conversations between unmarried men and women to be worthy of special note. In any case, shortly after these rumored conversations Feng had married Chen Long, the town blacksmith, with whom she had had an understanding for more than a year before Danning’s first appearance in Chengzu, and their union had been blessed only a year later with the birth of their son, Chen Zhang. There were no further talks of impropriety, but the innkeeper, who had a long memory, wondered about Danning’s apparent interest in Feng and whether Danning was lonely, living in an empty village, miles from his nearest neighbor. Perhaps Jingjing, the new waitress, had caught his eye, as she had of so many of the single men in the town.

The three prospectors took dinner in their room at the inn, and did not leave their room until dawn the next morning, when they settled their bill and left town.

Danning played cards with acquaintances in the pub until late in the evening, and then retired to his room in the inn, where he slept until mid-morning. By noon he was seated at a table overlooking the road in the pub. He spent the afternoon eating a long meal, chatting with the other guests, and reading from several large books he had borrowed earlier in the day from the local constable. He was still there one hour after sunset, when Long came looking for him.

As the shadows lengthened in the late afternoon and Feng began to prepare dinner for Long and Zhang, Feng had no concern for the safety of her son. It was not until Long returned from the smithy without Zhang and she realized that it was only an hour before sunset that she began to feel any concern. Lately some of the local children had been playing in a nearly dry creek about two miles outside of town, and Long had often been with them, but all of the children knew to be home before sunset. There were still dangerous beasts in the woods surrounding the town, and dusk was their favorite time to hunt. Small children were not safe outside the town at night, and all of them had been told many stories about what might happen were they to be caught outside in the dark.
She sent Long looking for Zhang among the neighbors, but all were accounted for except Zhang and May, who had last been seen playing in the creek several hours earlier. Xiang, May’s father, who had just returned from his work at the mill, exchanged glances with Long. Xiang grabbed his hunting bow from beside the door, and Long shouted across the street to Feng that they were going to look for the children at the creek.

The men set off at a brisk pace. They could easily make it to the creek before dark, but doubts were beginning to enter their minds. If the children had wandered, they could be far from the road by now. Zhang is really old enough to have much sense about danger, and May is not much older. The men did not discuss their fears with each other, but each privately considered the possibility that their children might be under the eyes of one of the large mountain cats already.

When the farmers heard Long and Xiang shouting for assistance, there was never any question that they would stop and help. They knew the men and recognized the voices coming from the gathering darkness. In a moment, they saw Long approaching at a dead run. He quickly explained that he needed to reach Chengzu immediately, and there was a look on his face that left them without any doubt that he was serious. Before Long could even ask, the workers began unhitching one of the horses from the cart. It was an awkward rig, but the horse was docile and Long was an excellent horseman. In a moment, the horses galloping hoof beats were fading in the distance.

A moment later, Xiang came out of the gloom, carrying May. She was limp and unconscious, and her legs were bound by a thin rope. A thin line of dried blood ran from her left nostril down to her chin.

The farmers lay May in their wagon and the Xiang climbed in next to her. All of the farmers except the driver remained on foot, to make the load as light as possible, and the driver set off for town at the best pace possible with the remaining horses. Xiang tossed the walkers his bow and quiver.

The farmers were silent until Xiang was out of earshot.

“Something terrible has happened,” said the eldest. “Something terrible.”

“Why would May be tied like that?,” wondered the youngest.

“Xiang didn’t seem as upset as Long. Long was panicked,” remarked the eldest.

“I wonder where Zhang is,” commented the youngest.

“Well, he’s not here,” replied the eldest. “He’s probably somewhere safe and snug. Long wouldn’t have left him alone out here.”

—–

Long could hardly remember the events of the next hour. He knew he talked to the constable, and remembered what a difficult time he had had getting the constable to understand until he showed him the ransom note.

The constable turned pale and said nothing for a moment, and then a look of measured fury crept over his features. In a moment the fury had passed, and was replaced with a hard look. “Go home, Long. We’ll take care of this. There’s no use in bumping around the hills in the dark, but I’ll send someone up the road tonight to raise the garrison in Moot and when the sun rises tomorrow morning the road north will be closed and every man in this town will be searching the hills for your son. But for now, go home. Feng is going to need you, and there’s nothing you can do here.”

“I think it was the three strangers.”

“I think you’re right. But they’re on foot, leading a mule. Even if they are hours ahead of us right now, they won’t get to Moot before my man. They’ll close the bridge and close the docks. They won’t get past Moot, and that means they’re going to be in the hills. We’ll find them. The only other place they can cross the river is at Cull. That’s three days from here. They won’t get there before we will.”

“I don’t care about catching them. I care about my boy. Do you think we’ll be able to get him back? Should we pay the ransom?”

“Long, do you have that kind of money?”

“No, but I will try to borrow it. People owe me favors. I can put it together.”

“Go home. Feng needs you.”
—–

After a long minute of stunned silence, followed by silent crying, Feng looked up at her husband and told him, in a tone of voice that permitted no discussion, that he must find Danning and tell him what happened and ask for his help.
Long found Danning in the pub. Danning had already perceived that something was afoot in the town. It was not an ordinary occurrence for the constable’s sergeant to go tearing off at full gallop down the road after sunset.

“Mr. Ai, I request your assistance in a matter of great urgency. My son has been kidnapped.”

Danning motioned for Long to sit down.

His prepared speech expended, Long continued with less composure. “The kidnappers have asked for a ransom. It is a huge amount of money. I do not know how I can get it. But I’m worried that it won’t make a difference. The constable wants to catch the kidnappers. I just want back my son.”

Danning did not respond, except to raise his hands from his lap and lace his fingers together, with is index fingers pointing outward. Long paused for a moment and continued in a lowered voice.

“Feng told me to ask for your help. She believes you can help us. And she wanted to make sure that you knew that it was her idea. She said to tell you this: she believes you can help. And I beg you for myself, if there is something you can do to help, please help us.”

Danning exhaled slowly, and then asked, “Did she tell you why she believes that?”

“No. She just said to tell you that she believes. I don’t know why.”

Danning closed his eyes and rubbed his temples for a brief moment.

“I do not know if I share her faith in my ability to help, and I will not know until I learn more. I can make no promises. As you know in your heart, your son may have already been dead for hours.”

Long nodded.

Danning continued. “Tell me everything that has happened.”

Long quickly told him about finding May, unconscious and with her legs bound, three hundred yards from the road, and finding the note nearby. He showed Danning the note, and Danning skimmed it quickly.

He raised his eyebrows at the ransom and at the way the kidnappers had mandated it be delivered. “Five thousand gold pieces? That’s a lot of money they’re asking for. Nobody in Chengzu has that kind of money.”

“I’ll find a way.”

Danning closed his eyes for another moment, apparently in deep thought. Opening his eyes again, he looked squarely into Long’s eyes and told him that he would do what he could.

“When this is over, you will owe me a favor. But now I must be going.”

“Is there anything I can do to help? Anything you need?”

“Just tell me where May was taken.”

“She is at home. The doctor is with her.”

“Good. I need to talk to him.” Danning clicked his tongue. “This is very unfortunate timing.”

Long gave him a puzzled look.

“The new moon is in two days.”

Long’s heart sank. If Danning was concerned about the old stories at a time like this, then he was too crazy to be of very much help.

“The kidnappers have given us three days to deliver the money. I am not worried about the new moon.”

“I am worried. I believe I will need to move quickly. But there is still hope. I will do what I can.” Danning rose from the table. “Please do not ask Feng anything about me.”

Long did not have time to think about this request before Danning placed two bronze coins on the table, turned, and walked out of the pub and into the night.
—–

On the night of the new moon, Danning was lying prone on a small rocky hill, looking down at the camp of the kidnappers, which was less than two hundred yards away.

The night was entirely dark, with no moon and thin, high clouds obscuring even the starlight. If the kidnappers had not had a fire, Danning would not have been able to see them, and he was confident that they could not see him. He knew that they had sent out two of their number to patrol the area–probably out of concern after two members of their group did not yet returned from the ambush they had set on their trail for Danning earlier in the day. Danning had no worries about either pair. He did not think that the other ambushers would be able to find their way down the path in this inky blackness, and he believed that he would be able to hear the approach of the patrols long before they reached his hiding spot.

Danning had been waiting here since shortly after dark. He had heard them wake Zhang with some anti-drug, and heard Zhang sobbing. This was followed by shouting as they force Zhang to drink a great deal of water, followed by more of the drug. The water would keep him alive for another day, and the drug would keep him quiet.

With each passing hour, Danning’s impatience and worry grew. Midnight was approaching, and time was slipping away. Even if nothing happened tonight, tomorrow the men would ride away at dawn, and Danning did not know if he would be able to overtake them again, especially if they split up and he did not know which group to follow, or if they laid another ambush to delay him.

Although he was distracted by planning for the possibility of pursuit tomorrow, Danning was not surprised when, shortly before midnight, he heard soft, playful words spoken from behind him.

“If I wanted to kill you, you would be dead already.”

“If you wanted to kill me, I would have known,” Danning answered in a whisper, before rolling slowly onto his back and sitting up.

A thin man wearing a long cloak was standing less than ten feet away. Danning could see little more than his outline in the darkness, although he could sense, more than see, that the man was pointing an unsheathed sword at his forehead.

“I know you believe that. But maybe we will not need to test your belief tonight. I want you to tell me about these men. They appear to be armed.”

“Keep your voice down. They have sentries and have sent two men out to look for me.”

“Do you think that they are dangerous?” Danning could hear a playful taunt in the words.

“No. But, they hold a hostage. A young child from Chengzu. I am afraid they will kill the child in panic if they believe they are being attacked.”

Danning could sense frustration from the thin man. “You know my rules. There must be no witnesses.”

“The child is drugged and unconscious. He will not see. There will be no witnesses.”

“Except you, Danning.”

“Hiram, if you do not trust me, we can settle this later. But first, the boy must be saved. Take him to Chengzu and then return for me. You know I cannot escape from you. I will be here when you return.”

“I do not do your bidding, Danning. The boy will be unharmed, but I will not take him to Chengzu. I leave that for you.”

The thin man paused to gather his thoughts.

“I find this situation very interesting. The next time we meet, I hope we will have chance to discuss it.”

The thin man vanished into the dark. A moment later, there was a sound like the crash of thunder. Danning rose and walked to the campsite. There was no sign of any of the men.

Danning found Zhang and checked his pulse. It was weak and irregular. He worried that the men had given Zhang too much of the drug, and he had no idea how to counteract the drug, or what to do if Zhang revived on his own. The only choice was to return to Chengzu as quickly as possible.

—–

It took nearly a day after his return to Chengzu before Zhang regained consciousness, much as it had taken a day for May to awaken. During this time, Long had learned much about what Danning had done during the previous three days.

After leaving the pub, he had immediately gone to find the doctor who was attending May and learned that she had been drugged. He then visited the president of the remaining bank and, after politely but insistently interrupting his dinner, had the president draw up a letter of credit for five thousand gold pieces, payable by the mining company. Then, carrying nothing but a large canteen, a small leather folder, and short knife, Danning had loped out of the town and into the pitch-black wilderness to the north-east.

The morning after the new moon, Danning had reemerged from the wilderness from the same direction, carrying Zhang over his shoulder. Danning was visibly exhausted and let others carry Zhang home. Instead of stopping at the Chen house, he went directly to the inn, took a room, and asked not to be disturbed. He did not leave his room for at least eighteen hours, and then had walked up to the mines. The next day he spent the morning in the pub. The following morning he was there again.

As the search parties returned from the wilderness, they were told that the boy had been returned safely, and the search was called off. None of them reported finding any trace of the kidnappers.

Long burned with curiosity. What had happened, and how had Zhang been saved?

Feng sensed his curiosity when he started to ask Zhang about his captivity. Zhang remembered nothing, because he had been drugged for the entire time, and it would be a mercy, Feng felt, if he never did remember any of the ordeal, but Long could not stop himself from asking. Feng threatened to send him away to the smithy if he could not cease his questioning, and so Long mentioned that perhaps he would ask Danning instead.

“Go ahead,” replied Feng. “Don’t expect to learn much. And you probably won’t believe much of what you hear, anyway.”

“You trusted him to bring back Zhang. I want to know why, almost as much as I want to know how. You’ve refused to tell me why. I’m going to find out how.”

“Don’t take that tone with Danning. Don’t threaten him. He’s dangerous.”

Feng was not entirely correct. Danning did tell Long nearly everything, and Danning was not dangerous. She was correct, however, that he did not believe very much of it.
—–

“Mr. Ai, I would like to talk with you for a moment.”

“Please, will you join me for tea? I have a feeling that this could be a long conversation.”

Long sat down across from Danning. The waitress poured tea for Long. Long waited until she had retreated to the kitchen before speaking.

“I must thank you for returning my son to us safely.”

“I was glad to be of service.”

“But there is something that bothers me.”

“You want to know what happened. You want to know how I got your son away from the kidnappers. You think that maybe I had something to do with the kidnapping, perhaps. You know I took letters worth five thousand gold pieces into the wilderness, and you’re wondering what happened to them. Perhaps I kept the money. You’re wondering why nobody ever found any trace of the three prospectors who came to town and disappeared the same day that your son was taken. You wonder whether the prospectors took your son, or, perhaps, whether I did. You’re wondering whether I somehow killed the three of them, hid the bodies carefully, and then took the ransom, paid it to myself, and brought your son back from wherever I had him hidden.”

“Mr. Ai, I mean no insult! I apologize for my words, which made you think that I am accusing you! I do not believe that you took my son. For one thing, he has told me that he remembers the three men taking him and forcing a vile liquid, which I assume was the drug, down his throat.

Danning looked intently at Long.

“I will tell you the truth, as completely as I can, but whether you will believe me is unlikely. If you find anything I say to be unbelievable, please tell me and I will stop. I do not wish to anger or frustrate you. Do you agree?”

Long nodded.

“Very well.”

Danning gathered his thoughts for a moment.

“I knew that this was not an ordinary kidnapping as soon as I had all of the pieces in my mind. True, around here there is hardly such a thing as an ‘ordinary’ kidnapping, but what I mean is a kidnapping of the sort that used to plague my home town. Around here, kidnapping is unheard of, and I prefer that. Anyway, several things struck me as odd.

“First, the ransom was impossibly high, and you were given far too long to collect it. This suggested to me that the ransom was a false lead. They never expected you to pay it. They just wanted to distract you for as long as possible, presumably so they could escape this area, and take your boy and sell him as a slave.

“Second, the fact that May was drugged and bound. It would have been quicker and easier to simply kill her. That’s what I would have expected from a kidnapper here, because the law of the empire is such that the punishment for kidnapping and murder of a child are identical–death. And therefore there was no reason not to kill her. But if they were not familiar with the laws of the empire, then their decision still did not make sense. All other things being equal, it is more profitable to sell an older girl into slavery than a young boy.

“Third, the fact that the ransom note was written before the kidnapping. It was too neatly written, and with ink. I do not think the kidnappers took the time to write this note after the kidnapping. This suggests that this was all part of a larger plan. This is also suggested by the fact that they spent several days scouting around examining the local area, allegedly of the sake of prospecting, but more likely with an eye to planning an escape route. From what I gathered, they were more interested in old trails, wells, and the location of springs than in minerals.

“Fourth, I knew one of the men. I knew him from when we were boys. A very dangerous man, and far outside of his element here. Essentially an honorable man, although you might not agree with his sense of honor. When I recognized him outside of the inn, I felt that there was something strange was about to happen, and that is why I stayed in the town that night. If I had known he was here for kidnapping, I would have told the constable immediately, but I really had no idea. I did not think he was a kidnapper. I am still puzzled at how he came to be involved in this at all. Personally, I think believe that his reasons for coming here might not have been initially related to the kidnapping at all.”

Danning took a sip of tea.

“My first thought was that he was looking for me. I made myself easy to find. I was disappointed when it became obvious that he was not searching for me.”

Danning paused for another moment, and Long could not resist the question.

“Why would someone be looking for you.”

“That is another story, which I might decide to tell to you on another occassion. But first I will finish this story, and then I have some questions for you, because I suspect that there is something important that you have not told me.

“I did not believe that Zhang had been kidnapped for ransom. I have heard tales of murders gaining time for their escape by leaving a ransom note, but I did not believe that either. I could not think of any reason anyone would murder Zhang, and the crime seemed too well planned. In any case, if I could overtake them, I would learn whether the boy was still alive. I hoped for the best.”

“What would you have done if you found the men but Zhang was not with them?”

“What could I have done? One man, alone in the wilderness, against seven outlaws, including a mercenary of great renown. I would have let them go. They would not have survived the new moon, anyway.”

Long grimaced but did not respond immediately, but instead took a sip of tea. He had heard the legends of what happened in the barrier mountains during the night of the new moon, but did not believe them. And he knew that there had been three men, not seven, and could not imagine what they had been doing near the barrier mountains. All the roads curved away to the west.

“The man you recognized.  He was the mercenary?”

“Yes.  Very skilled in fighting, very disciplined.”  Danning continued. “But I get ahead of myself. I must explain more before you understand my words.”

Danning paused to take another sip of tea. “I am not used to speaking so much, or the telling of tales. Please forgive my poor skills.”

“I assume that this was a well-planned event and that the men had planned their escape carefully. There was little chance that three men and a mule could out-run their pursuit. They might be able to elude capture for a while by hiding in the hills, but they would know that we would find them. There are men in this town who know every hiding place for dozens of miles in any direction. So, I assumed that they had a camp not far from town where they had fresh horses, and that there would be an additional man or two at the camp to guard their horses. This was their secret strategy. If we were looking for three men on foot, we would look closer to the town than we would look for men on horse.

“But the camp could not be near the road, for if it was, it would have been noticed by travellers on the road. Therefore it must have hidden in the hills, but still not far away. As soon as the men reached the camp, they would set out on horse. But once again, where would they go? If they traveled by the old road, they would be seen. They might have been able to reach Moot before the constable’s rider, but not long before, and there would have been immediate pursuit. No, the only strategy that made sense to me was that the kidnappers would follow the old mining roads–which they had learned about while they were posing as prospectors–and then follow the ridges of the mountains northward until the mountains turn away to the east, and then cut across the wilderness to Cull. They would be there long before any word came of their crime, and once they crossed the river, they would be nearly impossible to overtake beofre they disappeared into Nom.

“Their way was round-about to avoid detection and remain on paths their horses could walk in the dark, but I could travel by a more direct route. I was heartened to discover that I had guessed correctly when I crossed their trail, but unhappy that they were still ahead of me. A few hours before dawn, however, they made a bad decision to take a path that started well but soon deteriorated into very rough ground. I knew a better path that would allow me to gain time. Both paths led to the Crakers Wash, where I knew their horses would find good footing at dawn, so I pressed on, hoping to beat them to the head of their path. Even if they were first to the wash, I would pick up their trail again. If they had turned west, I would find them immediately, but if they turned east, I might have to pursue them into the mountains. I did not want to pursue them into the mountains, not during the day of the new moon.”

Long had only the roughest idea where Crakers Wash was. From what he remembered, it was thirty miles north of Chengzu–an impossible distance for someone to travel on foot in one night on rugged paths in the dark.

“I was fortunate and reached the head of their path before them, and so I had nearly an hour to rest before they appeared,” continued Danning. “I was surprised to see that there were seven of them. I had thought perhaps four, maybe five. They were surprised to be hailed, but did not panic, not thinking I was part of their pursuit. When I told them my name, however, the man I had recognized immediately made a comment to their leader and then rode ahead to meet me while the others hung back. I could see them quietly stringing their bows.

“We had a brief conversation, which I will summarize. We did not exchange pleasantries. I told them I had the ransom, not in gold, but something just as valuable and easier to carry. If they gave me the boy, I would sign the cheque over to them. They would have their ransom, and they would escape. He refused.

“The ransom note was a ruse. The kidnappers did not want the money. They wanted your son for some reason. I am very curious about that, but it is not time to ask that question.

“They rode past. I could see Zhang, draped over the saddle of one of the horses. I could not tell if he was dead or alive, but hoped for the best. I could not stop them, nor could I pursue. If I had made an attempt, I’m sure that they would have tried to kill me.

“Exhausted from the pursuit, I rested for a few hours. There was nothing more I could have done at that time.

“When I set off again, I found that they had left two of their number behind in ambush. I was able to elude them, however. That part of the story is not terribly interesting or relevant.

“I caught up to them on the evening of the new moon. It was too dark for them to travel, and so they made camp. At midnight, I entered the camp and found your son. He was still unconscious. I stole one of their horses and used it to carry Zhang back down the path to Crakers Wash. We were able to retrace our steps much more quickly because we were able to use the main trails and had no need of stealth or quiet.

“I rode the horse too hard, and it broke a leg after slipping on gravel only a few miles north of town. I left the horse and carried Zhang the rest of the way. Now you know everything that happened.”

Long shook his head. “I will always be grateful to you for returning my son to me.”

“You sound like you do not believe my story. What part is too difficult to believe? How I stole into their camp? How I eluded their pursuit, once they discovered he was missing? How I could ride so far and so quickly on a moonless night?”

Long shook his head again. “I do not mean to question your honesty. I do not think those are important questions. What I want to know is whether my son is safe, and whether those men are still out there. Will they come again?”

Danning gave a slight smile. “The men are dead. They will not come again.”

“Did you kill them?”

“No.”

“Then how did they die?”

“They were taken by a servant of the dragon of the eastern desert.”

Long said nothing.

“I know you do not believe in the stories about the dragon,” Danning continued. “But believe that the men are dead. Believe whatever else you wish. I would prefer that you did not think me a murderer, but if that is more comforting to you than to believe that the men are still alive, it is a small matter to me.”

Long did not think he could believe anything Danning said. The only truth was that Zhang has been returned, and Long was worried that the men were still alive.

Danning paused. “It’s only a matter of time before their bodies are discovered. The vultures will draw attention. Then I hope you will know that I at least told the truth about the location of their camp and their deaths.”

Long looked down at the table.  He was very frustrated by this man to whom he owed enormous gratitude.

“And now, Mr. Chen, I have several questions for you. I find it very strange that your son would be kidnapped, and I find it very strange that you would believe that the men would come back to try again. Is there anything you can tell me about your son that might explain any of this?”

“I will need to talk to Feng first.”

“Of course. Come to the mines when you are ready. We will have privacy there.”

May 11, 2009

Around the manse: 5/11/2009

Filed under: General — DannyO @ 4:39 am

The sun is out, and the wind has finally settled down, so I grabbed my camera to record some of the early-season plants around the house.

The tulips, daffodils,  hyacinths, forsythia, and grape hyacinths are gone by, but the lilacs, johnny jump-ups, flox, pot-of-gold, and rhododendrons are doing their thing, and the lilys, chinese lanterns, clematis, hostas, and hydrangeas are poised for a strong showing.  The morning glories and columbine are having a terrible  year, but the nasturtiums might pull through.  The sunflowers and gladiolus have been almost entirely consumed by the squirrels, and the trailing vines have yet to even sprout.  The astilbe, after a promising start, seems to have stalled.  The butterfly garden in the front yard is beginning to take shape (although it will be at least a month before we see any flowers) but the flower bed near the side of the house, which I seeded with some sort of red flower (after I planted the seeds, I lost the package), has yet to show any signs of life.  The violets, which have infested the entire neighborhood, are running amok and choking out everything else.  My lawn consists of crabgrass, dandelions, violets, and clover, and the occasional stem of ordinary grass.

My wife, ever the pragmatist, bought a pre-grown fuscia at the supermarket.  She knows my gardening success rate is not predictable.

May 10, 2009

Wollyburble Challenge: Airplane food

Filed under: General,Wollyburble — DannyO @ 4:22 pm

Long-time reader Prunella Farquar suggests, and not for the first time, the topic of ‘Airplane food’.  Her continued interest in this topic suggests that there may be cosmic significance to this topic.  And I am highly suggestible.

= = = = =

Captain Qirm strode into his staff room holding a sealed envelope emblazoned with a deep red “Most Secret” label. His hastily-assembled executive officers immediately ceased their conversations and turned their attention to him.

“At ease. I just returned from an emergency meeting with Admiral Drymn,” Qirm began. “I can’t tell you all the details yet, but here is what you need to know right now. Two hours ago long-range EM sensors detected what appears to be the orbital bombardment of a small planet four hundred light years from here, in sector 5530. From the signature of the weapons, it looks like an attack by the Bigbellies.”

“As you know, sector 5530 is far beyond our frontier in that quadrant. It’s completely unexplored space. We have no idea why the Bigbellies would attack this planet. We’re being sent to sector 5530 to find out. We’re the closest unit. I want the ship battle-ready and prepared for a jump to megahypersupertrans warp in two hours.”

“If this was detected from beyond the frontier, via EM, then that must mean that the attack took place nearly four hundred years ago. So why the rush? Would it be more prudent to wait for reinforcements before jumping that far into an uncharted sector where there might be Bigbellies?” asked the tactical officer.

“I can’t tell you the reason, but headquarters believes that there is something very important about this attack. That’s why we leave immediately. But we won’t be alone for long. Five battle groups from the Glorb system, commanded by Admiral Drymn himself, will join us as soon as possible,” the Captain answered.

“The Glorbians will be able to reach 5530 in just a little over three weeks,” remarked the navigation officer, performing a quick bit of arithmetic in her head. “Their ships are very fast, and their refractory period between jumps is minimal. They’ll only be a few days behind us.”

“No,” the Captain responded. “That’s the bad news.  They’ll be at least three weeks behind us.” Puzzled looks were exchanged around the table. “This mission has top priority, and I know it’s going to be hard on everyone, but we’re making this trip in one jump. The Admiral was clear on this. We need the answers with utmost speed. At 17:00 I want a jump plotted that will take us within three parsecs of the planet, assuming there’s anything left of it. The orbital calculations are already downloaded to your nav systems. Put us on the other side of its star. At 17:15 we’ll jump.”

“We’ll be in warp for at least thirty-six consecutive hours, sir,” commented the navigator.

“Then we better make sure everyone has a good meal before we leave,” growled the XO. “We’re damn sure not going to eat in warp. You know what happens to food during warp.”

The Captain nodded.  “You all know what to do. Tell the crew this is important. This is one of the longest jumps ever made, but it could save a lot of lives. I’ll brief you on the details of the mission during the trip. Dismissed.”

= = = = =

Captain Qirm breathed a sigh of relief when Admiral Drymn’s battle groups winked into existence in formation around his ship. In a matter of minutes, Qirm was standing in front of the Admiral to give his report.

“Captain, I expect that your crew deserves commendations for their brave and arduous journey. The paperwork can wait, but for now, they can get some sleep and let the Glorbians take over. Now, tell me what you’ve learned.”

“As we surmised, the planet was inhabited before the attack. The inhabitants were unusual–a species we haven’t seen anywhere else. We haven’t been able to learn much about them, and what we have learned just raises more questions.”

“Tell me what you know. What happened here?”

“The planet was attacked by orbital bombardment. Almost certainly by Bigbelly weapons–even though the impact craters are four hundred years old, they’re an exact match for what we’ve seen from more recent attacks. The planet was wiped clean, virtually sterilized. There was no ground invasion, from what we can tell. No Bigbelly technology left behind on the surface, in any case. They bombarded the planet and then left. Why don’t know why. There is little of strategic or economic value here.”

“Did the inhabitants put up a fight?”

“That’s less certain. There are traces of unnatural background radioactivity, and the ozone layer has been removed from most of the atmosphere. We also found traces of chlorofluorocarbons, benzene, and complex aromatic polymers. Lots of them, actually. This suggests that they had some sort of poison-based ground defense. But they probably never had a chance to use it.”

“Good lord. Not even the Bigbellies are savage enough to use hydrocarbon-based or fission weapons. Not even them.”

“There’s something more. And you need to understand that this is much less certain. We’re piecing together data from a planet that was reduced to little more than a cinder hundreds of years ago.  We have restored some of their data archives, but the information seems too strange to be true.”

“Noted. Now tell me what you’ve found.”

“Admiral, most of the inhabitants of this planet were peaceful species similar to those found on our own worlds. But not all of them. The dominant species–which we have not identified–genetically engineered a giant bipedal fighting creature that they used to fight their wars. These creatures were extremely belligerent and stood, in some cases, nearly two meters tall.”

“Two meters? Did I hear you correctly?”

“Yes. It would take our largest freighter just to carry the fossilized remains of one of them back to Eqir for study. And there were billions of them on this planet. Literally billions.”

“It boggles the mind.”

“And there’s more, Admiral. They were preparing some sort of transportation vessel for these creatures. I’ve seen the schematics, and the scale is hard to believe. They were capable of transporting hundreds of these monsters, along with their equipment. Hundreds. And they had unmistakable wings and fins. These weren’t just space ships. These were designed to travel within an atmosphere.”

“Landing craft.”

“That’s our guess. They called them ‘airplanes’. These vessels could transport hundreds of these creatures and then land, almost without warning, on the surface of a planet.”

“I can see why the Bigbellies might have considered them a threat.”

“There’s one other thing, and this is the strangest yet. But the evidence, even though it’s difficult to believe, is hard to refute. These vessels were equipped with mechanisms that allowed their passengers to consume food while traveling at top speed.”

“Hard to believe, indeed. How did they do it?”

“We don’t understand the technology. But we believe it’s true. They didn’t have to stop to eat. That’s the important thing. They had food on the airplanes. They could feed without stopping.”

“So they could enter warp, stay there as long as it took to reach any location in the galaxy, or perhaps beyond, pop out just above the atmosphere of an inhabited planet, and their monstrous shock troops could be on the ground moments later.”

The Admiral shook his head and paused.

“Just between the two of us, I think the Bigbellies did us a favor here. Airplane food. The ultimate tactical advantage. Ingenious, but inhuman.”

The meta-entry

Filed under: General — DannyO @ 3:48 am

There are a few things that everyone should keep in mind when reading my blog. The most important of these is that most of the entries are not autobiographical, and even those that do have an element of autobiography almost always have a much larger element of fiction.

For example, two recent entries got a few private comments that I feel deserve some clarification. First, the ‘On Golden Pond’ entry was inspired by a friend of mine who is thinking of moving to California.  The rest is just a daydream. It’s a long and complicated daydream, and I’ve only started recording it, but there are no plans per se. On the other hand, I think it would be fun, and if she decides to drive her car, who knows? Maybe I’ll tag along.  I’ll write the story first, and then, if it amuses Fate, perhaps I’ll actually take the trip.

Second, I don’t know how to play bridge, and I don’t even like to play cards, and I didn’t have anyone particular in mind when I created the characters–it’s not about you or anyone you know–and my knowledge of the game comes primarily from Wikipedia and Hoyles. As a result, the ‘Evening with friends’ entry changed a few times as I got feedback from my more bridge-savvy readers.

This entry is an exception. This entry is 100% real. Its matching entry, ‘What goes around’, is 100% fiction.

I tried an experiment yesterday. I hope you’ll find it interesting to read about.

In my day job, new ideas are a dime a dozen, but the effort required to turn an idea into reality is usually enormous. As a result, very few ideas are ever turned into anything concrete, or even written down. I suppose that it is the same way in every creative field, but it’s hard to appreciate from the outside.  So I thought I would take a crack at writing something longer than a few paragraphs, just to see what it would take.  The result was humbling.

Yesterday afternoon, as I washed the dishes from lunch, my mind wandered, as it often does, and in walked the idea for a story. I often get ideas like this, but most aren’t any good and I’ve forgotten them after a minute or two. This one kept my mind occupied for longer than it took to wipe down the stove, so I began to think that it might have legs.

Having no other major obligations for the day, I decided to spend my spare time trying to put it down on paper. It was a very educational experience.

  • It took much more time than I anticipated.
  • It took many more words than I anticipated.
  • Dialog just goes on and on. It’s quicker to leave it out.  Summarizing conversations is a real time-saver.
  • My characters often say things that take the conversation off-script. This is annoying, but if I don’t let them, they sound even more like soulless automata.
  • Many of the details of the story changed significantly between conception and execution. It was like writing down a dream; the more I thought about it, the fuzzier it got.  The connective tissue tended to warp the story a bit.

The story originally had a happy ending, but I didn’t have time to get to it. When I was about one quarter of the way through story, I realized that the story needed to be half as long, and therefore a new ending was required.  This happened before Joe even had a chance to say his first word to Mary, so you can imagine what an impact this had. Bad endings and nastiness are apparently quicker and easier to write. Happy endings are complicated, while unpleasant endings are easy. It’s much less work to let the heros die at the hands of the villian than it is to describe their dramatic rescue and return at the head of an avenging army, so to speak.  The current ending is unsatisfactory.

After about six hours, I decided that I had used up my time budget and stopped in mid-dialog.

I present the story in its unedited form (sans even the mercy of a spell-check), in the hope that at some point I’ll be able to go back, clean it up, remove the terrible negative ending, add the happy ending, insert all the stuff carefully foreshadowed at the beginning, and you can enjoy the final product. In the meanwhile, you can see how the story devolved. It starts out playfully, with carefully structured narrative paragraphs setting the tone. By the end, however, it’s probably obvious that I’m watching the clock, the light-heartedness is gone, and it’s nothing but dialog, dialog, dialog.

In summary, I now have a new-found appreciation for how incredibly hard it is to write even a simple short story, and a conviction that I need practice before I make an attempt at anything more complicated.

Maybe Madoka will lend a hand.

May 9, 2009

The wrath of continuity

Filed under: General — DannyO @ 6:12 am

It’s hard to summon up much remorse about revealing some of the plot twists in a popular movie that was released more than twenty-five years ago, but just in case, I suppose it is only fair to my readers to warn them.  If you haven’t seen ‘Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan” and plan to see it some day, then please stop reading now.  The same applies if you saw it, but forgot most of it (time does have its way with us) and plan to refresh your memory at some future point.

From what I’ve read in reviews of the latest Star Trek movie (simply titled ‘Star Trek’) I advise you to postpone viewing it as well, at least until after seeing ‘The Wrath of Khan’ because apparently some of the twists are given away there as well.  I haven’t seen the new movie yet, but I am already prepared to be slightly disappointed by this one aspect.

OK, if you’re still reading, you can’t say that you weren’t warned.

If you’re a Trek fan, then I’m sure you’ll be in a good position to correct my rapidly fading memory of a movie I haven’t seen since clogs were fashionable for men, but I hope you will not feel any obligation to become offended at my unfamiliarity with the canon.  I’m certain that details such as the colors of the uniforms and whatnot are all very important in some larger context, but maybe not for the purposes of this discussion.

The movie opens on the familiar bridge of the starship Enterprise, but with an unfamiliar face in the captains chair–a young woman.  Most of the other members of the bridge crew are the faces familiar to any Star Trek viewer.  The Enterprise is on patrol near the border of a disputed area (or the neutral zone?  The forbidden zone?  Whatever).  They hear a distress call from a civilian vessel, the Kobayashi Maru (yes, I had to look that up) that has strayed off course with engine troubles into the disputed area.  There appear to be no enemy ships nearby, so the captain (commander?  again, I have no idea) takes a calculated risk and orders the Enterprise into the disputed area to rescue the civilian vessel.  As they approach, enemy warships appear, destroy the civilian vessel, and begin to attack the Enterprise, which takes immediate heavy damage.  It’s an ambush.  The captain orders the Enterprise to flee, but enemies have cut off the escape route and propulsion is failing.  Her weapons are inoperable.  The captain attempts to hail the enemy to offer surrender.  In response, the enemy fires another salvo, targeting the bridge, killing all of the bridge crew except the captain.  The ship is defenseless, surrounded by enemies, and the captain is alone.  She does not appear pleased with her circumstances.  She is at a loss.

At which point it is revealed that this is only a training exercise.  It has all taken place in a simulator.  The trainee-captain is baffled.  She doesn’t see any way to have saved the Kobayashi Maru.  She asks Admiral Kirk (formerly captain of the Enterprise) about it, and he tells her that she didn’t make any bad decisions, but that wasn’t the point.  The civilian vessel is doomed, no matter what she does, and the Enterprise is doomed the moment it crosses into the disputed area, but of course there is no way for her to have known that ahead of time.  The purpose of the exercise is to see how a prospective officer deals with a no-win situation; to see how he or she acts when faced with the loss of his or her ship, crew, and life.  It’s a situation that any commander might face.

But then she learns from someone else that, as a cadet, Kirk did beat this exercise.  In fact, he’s the only person to have ever done so.  She wants to know how.

As she learns near the end of the movie, Kirk beat the exercise by cheating.  He broke into the simulator before the test and changed the parameters so that there was a way to win.  He never accepted that there was really such a thing as a no-win scenario, and therefore refused to be tested on one.  No additional details are given.

That’s the sort of level of detail I like.  I don’t need to know any more, and I usually don’t want to.  The interesting thing, to me, is the motivation of why people do things, not the minutae of what they did.  This is why I usually like, in terms of contemporary entertainment, either the book or the movie, but not usually both, because the standard treatment seems to be that films focus more on spectacle while books focus more on plot and character.  As an example, consider the  fraction of running time dedicated to battles in the ‘Lord of the Rings’ movies compared to the fraction of the pages used to describe those battles in the books.

The new movie, according to reviews, shows the whole Kobayashi Maru exercise and how Kirk beat it.  Do I really want to know?  Like the story of Sir Gregory Parsloe-Parsloe and the prawns, it may be that some things are better left to the imagination.

But of course I’ll go see it anyway… for the spectacle, if nothing else.

May 8, 2009

Wollyburble Challenge: An evening with friends

Filed under: General — DannyO @ 5:28 am

Long-suffering reader Kate Ainsworth asks: “Is arrogance the enemy of empathy? Can they live together?”

– – – – –

After the last card was dealt, Arrogance picked up his hand, fanned it quickly, and immediately closed it again.

“It’s your bid, dear,” said his partner, Empathy.

“Five spades,” growled Arrogance.

To his left, Insouciance raised her eyebrows. “Isn’t that a very high opening bid?,” she asked, and then turned to look for an answer from Empathy.

“Not that high. If you have the cards. If you don’t have the cards, then it’s a ridiculous bid,” noted Arrogance.

“Dear, don’t forget that this is the first time Insouciance has played bridge,” said Empathy, slightly lowering her forehead.

“Yes, of course it is,” responded Arrogance. “So here’s what you should do. You should bid something higher. Six of something. Whatever looks best to you. And then that means that when it’s my turn to call again, I can double. If you don’t bid something, and Empathy and Apathy pass, then the contract is five spades. You know I think I can do it. If you out-bid me, then you’ll have to make the contract. What is your response?”

Insouciance looked over her cards and bit her lip. “Pass,” she mumbled after several moments of consideration.

“This isn’t the right way to teach the game,” said Empathy directly to Arrogance. She turned towards Insouciance and continued. “Usually the first round of bids are used only as a way for the partners to exchange information, to communicate, about the strengths or weaknesses of their hands. For example, as I was explaining a moment ago, an opening bid of ‘one heart’ typically means that the caller wants his partner to know that he or she has a hand that is strong in hearts. If it is particularly strong, he or she might increase the bid on the next round.” She turned to Apathy and continued. “It does take some time to learn how it works, bu it’s not hard, and eventually it becomes almost intuitive.”

“Bid, please,” muttered Arrogance impatiently. Empathy ignored him.

“Perhaps it would be more educational–and fun–to deal a few hands and just practice bidding on them,” suggested Empathy.

“Whatever,” opined Apathy. “I’m just here for the conversation. I don’t really care about this game. It has too many rules. It all seems arbitrary.”

“Maybe we should just play Hearts, then?,” suggested Arrogance. “Fewer rules to remember. And less thought. It’s mostly luck. Or maybe Old Maid? Go Fish?”

Arrogance smiled at Apathy and took a sip of his coffee. Insouciance stared intently at her hand. Apathy began to mouth a word, but then hesitated.

“Will you look at the time? We really must be going,” said Empathy, breaking the silence. “We promised the sitter we’d be home by, ummm, nine forty-five,” she continued, after quickly consulting her watch.

“Yes. We do need to get going. I really lost track of the time. You know how it flies when you’re having fun, and all that,” gaily added Arrogance.

“I suppose,” muttered Apathy. “I’ve never really understood that expression.”

Insouciance put down her cards and smiled. “Thank you for teaching us how to play Bridge.”

“There’s more to learn. Much, much more.  Maybe we can do this again soon?,” Arrogance replied.

“Certainly we must have you over next,” added Empathy. “But we don’t need to play cards. We don’t need to play anything at all. Maybe we can discuss books.”

Arrogance immediately perked up. “If one of you could explain the end of Gravity’s Rainbow to me, I’d certainly appreciate that. I’ve been stuck on that for years. The rest of the book makes perfect sense, but the last two hundred pages or so–whoosh! Right over my head! I think that’s why although it’s Pynchon’s most critically acclaimed book, it didn’t sell as many copies as, say, Vineland, which is much more appealing to a broader audience. It’s a much easier read. Have you read it?”

– – – – –

Empathy was silent for a few moments as they drove away. As they merged onto the highway, she began to speak in a measured tone.

“I don’t think the Winslows will be inviting us over for cards again any time soon.”

“That’s too bad. I was having fun.”

“Yes, you were having fun. But nobody else was having fun. You didn’t have to make a big deal about how bad they are at playing cards.”

“I like to win–what’s wrong with that? And I was winning, so I was having a good time. I don’t think I made a big deal about them being bad at cards.” Arrogance paused and then chuckled for a moment. “And boy, are they bad at cards! I’d only feel guilty if we were playing for money or something. We’d probably be driving their car home instead of our own. Or maybe we wouldn’t even be driving home at all–maybe we’d be kicking them out of their former house!”

“But you were mean. You were rude to our hosts. You made them feel stupid.”

“Well, maybe I made them feel bad at cards. Or maybe I helped them come to terms with their inability to play cards. That’s not the same thing as making them feel stupid.”

“It’s too easy for people to get those two things confused. You know how it is. When you insult part of a person, or point out a flaw in a person, it taints all of their feelings.”

“You’re a fine one to talk.”

“I beg your pardon?”

“At least I treat them as foes worthy of humiliation. You, all touchy-feely and understanding, treat them even worse.”

“I’m looking forward to hearing your reasoning. Do go on.”

“You accept their problems. You feel for them. You sympathize. You’re complacent. You want to see their point of view. Don’t you know how insulting that is?”

“No. I’m not getting it.”

“OK, let me try again. Insouciance stinks at bidding. She just doesn’t get it yet. You are OK with this; you understand her difficulty and you feel her pain. You make her feel like it’s OK. Don’t you think it’s condescending to tell someone that you understand why they’re terrible at something? Maybe a little indignation would be more helpful. Some incredulity. Don’t just try to understand their problem–focus on the solution! Don’t tell her it’s OK to suck at Bridge. Tell her she shouldn’t suck. Expect her to not suck. Reject suckage, it all its forms!”

“But I think you hurt their feelings.”

“Yes, maybe so. For the sake of argument, let’s say I did. But maybe they’ll get better at Bridge in order to avoid further pain. Maybe this will help them grow as people.”

“More likely they’ll just never invite us over again. And what good are your Bridge skills if you can’t get anyone to play with you more than once?”

“Look, when I’m better than someone else at something, I enjoy it. Of course I understand their feelings. If I didn’t understand their feelings, then I wouldn’t enjoy it so much. I don’t want to make them feel miserable, I just want to feel better than they feel. It’s part of the game.”

“But not everything is a game. Sometimes feelings are more important that winning.”

“Not to me. To me, everything is a game. Everything is about winning. I thought you, of all people, would understand that about me by now.”

Empathy looked out the window at the passing cars. She was silent for several minutes.

May 6, 2009

Wollyburble Challenge: Things that baffle me

Filed under: General — DannyO @ 4:09 am

Faithful reader Prunella Farquar suggested the following topic:

Things that there are perfectly reasonable explanations for…but that still don’t make sense in your mind. Why does water expand when frozen when everything else contracts? (Yeah, yeah, I know…hydogen bonds, but it just doesn’t seem right)
Airplanes should not be able to stay in the air, but even knowledge of pressure and air currents doesn’t convince me.
Nothing will convince me that helicoptors can fly!

I am fascinated by what baffles other people, and how they express their baffled state.  For example, when Prunella writes that nothing will convince her that helicopters can fly, I know that this isn’t the truth.  She has seen helicopters fly (and, for all I know, as actually ridden one during flight) and has successfully internalized the idea that helicopters actually can and do fly.  What she really means is that she doesn’t understand how things can exist–especially things that have been created by humans themselves–that she is unable to understand.

This cognitive struggle isn’t unique to Prunella.  In fact, I think it’s an unavoidable aspect of the human condition.  It is one of the seeds of curiosity, the precursor (if not prerequisite) to all new intellectual creations.  Deep in her heart, I believe that Prunella longs to hear a satisfactory explanation of  how helicopters fly.  She doesn’t want to be convinced, she wants to understand.

But what is unusual about Prunella is her recognition and acceptance of this aspect of her humanity.  Far too many other people are content to settle comfortably into the cage of their ignorance, Prunella catalogs the contents of her intellectual prison and measures the dimensions of her confinement.

There are an amazing number of things that I simply don’t understand, and I’m not sure whether anyone else understands them either, or at least can provide an explanation that I could understand.  Sometimes my ignorance annoys me, most often when I don’t understand things that I believe I should, and especially when I don’t understand things that other people do.  In no particular order, here are a few things that I simply don’t understand:

  • Sex.  Why do some people have a preoccupation with inserting convex parts of their anatomy into the concavities of other people, and why do some people have a preoccupation with having their voids filled with the protrusions of others?  And there are infinite additional variations, of course, many of which can’t easily be described with a straight face, but for the sake of this discussion, we’ll limit the definition of sex to pleasurable actions involving friction and genitalia.  So, what’s the attraction?  And what does it have to do with high heels and stockings?  People say that the pleasure we derive from sex is necessary in order to ensure that sex, and thus procreation, occurs, and I can’t disagree–I certainly wouldn’t poke my penis into a smelly dark crevice unless I thought there was something in it for me–but I think there’s much more pleasure than strictly necessary.  People do such stupid, asinine, and self-destructive things in the name of lust that, according to Darwin, it should have been winnowed out of the population many generations ago.  But who knows–maybe it used to be even worse.
  • Sex.  Given the mysterious origins of lust, it astonishes me that people aren’t less accepting of how these mysteries manifest themselves in other people.  I like the friction on my genitals to be supplied by a woman (or, in my daydreams, several women), but other men might prefer this friction to involve another man, and some women might prefer the touch of another woman.  Why does this bother anyone?  I have no clue.
  • Gravity.  Nobody has figured this out.  Most people don’t even think about it.
  • Gravity.  I’m not sure why nobody thinks about this.  Some things just need to be accepted, I guess.
  • Quantum physics.  It’s all just equations to me.  There is no intuition–none at all.  It could all be baloney, for all I know.  The fact that water expands when it freezes is a tiny part of this.  I don’t even understand why things freeze, except in a vague mathematical sense.
  • Why I’m writing this.  I don’t know why I do most of the things I do, actually.  Most of the acts in my life are just reactions to situations.  Very few of my acts are the result of conscious decisions.   Most people are the same way, from what I can tell, but they never think about it.

April 29, 2009

Missed opportunities

Filed under: General — DannyO @ 4:34 am

This weekend there will be a memorial service for the headmaster of my high school, on campus, as part of the alumni weekend. I will not be attending, for various reasons. If I was on campus this weekend, I’d certainly attend, from peer pressure as much as anything else, but it would feel odd to me. I don’t like funerals very much, and I never really knew this man very well to begin with.

The fact that I never knew him was a missed opportunity, or at least a regret. I’m not sure that I would have had any real chance to get to know him, but simply taking better advantage of the few opportunities when I might have interacted with him could have been very rewarding.

When I read his obituary, I realize that his life was, in many ways, my dream. The things he did, and the differences he was able to make in the school and the broader American educational system were the sort of things that I could fantasize myself looking back on with intense satisfaction, fulfillment, and pride, if things had worked out differently for me and I’d managed to find an academic post. It should be noted as an achievement of his school that in the three years I spent there, I went from having no particular ambition in life to desiring to become a teacher. In fact, my daydream goal was to return to my high school as a teacher–and I was not alone. Several of my classmates have confessed to having the same fantasy.

None of this was apparent at the time, of course. As a teenager, the headmaster was the symbol of authority and discipline, and authority and discipline are bitter enemies of teenage rebellion. As a newcomer to the school, I was impressionable and the disparaging or obscene nicknames the upperclassmen used consistently–it was very rare that, except in the presence of adults, anyone referred to him by his real name–made me think that perhaps he might be an awful person and that my best bet was to lay low and avoid any interaction with him. After all, unless you were in his class, or attended his teas (which required wearing a jacket and tie, which virtually guaranteed my absence), the only reason you were likely to have to interact with him personally were when he handed you your diploma during graduation, or if you were being kicked out.

What I knew about him I had learned from the school catalog, which had brief biographies for all of the masters, and a letter from the headmaster to the students (which was really meant for the parents and alumni) in the preface of the catalog, and his convocation addresses. I remember barely stifling a laugh when, during one address, as he was urging the students to branch out, to get involved in new things, and not just work on their grades (and grade grubbing), he used the metaphor of ‘workaholics’ in his prepared notes, but during delivery, the last instance of ‘workaholics’ was accidentally pronounced ‘alcoholics’. I don’t think anyone else noticed, except I did see some of masters perk up. Nobody else was paying enough attention.

I knew that he’d done something in the war that earned him a couple of medals, and I couldn’t ever remember seeing him blink. It seemed like his arms and legs were too long for his body, which gave him the sort of apparent clumsiness reminiscent of a gangly, awkward youth who had just gone through a growth spurt. He always seemed confident and alert, but he was never an attention seeker. I imagine that at a party, he’s the kind of person who would end up having an intense, hour-long, life-changing discussion about ‘The Golden Bough’ with someone while everyone else was getting drunk.

And then there’s this.

One evening, I attended a seminar given by some speaker on some subject–both long since gone from my memory–that he introduced. On the podium there was a pitcher of ice water and a few glasses, which the speaker could use to refresh his voice during the lecture.

The headmaster stood at the front of the stage, in front of the podium, looking out over the audience. It was a warm, humid day.  Behind him, the pitcher was sweating. As he began his introduction of the speaker, it began to slide along the podium on the thin film of water that had accumulated on the table. Slowly at first, and then gradually gaining speed, it reached the edge, and fell to the floor.

You can imagine a lot of ways this story might end, and I want you take a moment to imagine them.  It must have been something pretty good, because I still remember it, even though I’ve forgotten the name of the speaker and the subject of the talk.  So let your imagination run for moment. See what you can come up with.  Perhaps he was so startled by the crash of the pitcher that he jumped or fell off the stage. Perhaps the sound didn’t ruffle him at all and he continued on without skipping a beat. Perhaps he extemporized something incredibly witty about the incident and wove it seamlessly into his remarks. Perhaps he apologized for the absence of the pitcher to the speaker. Perhaps, after introducing the speaker, he ran across campus to the dining hall in order to get another pitcher of ice water for the speaker, sacrificing his dignity to be a good host.

Here’s what happened. I hope you won’t be disappointed.

After serving at the school for something approaching thirty years, the headmaster was so familiar and comfortable with his surroundings and his role that he appeared completely at ease. He had probably introduced a few hundred speakers by this point in his life. And yet he was still completely there and not just going through the motions on some sort of oratorical auto-pilot. He was in the moment. He was always in the moment.

As the pitcher began to move, it attracted the attention of the audience. He might have noticed that the eyes that had been watching him were now focused on something else. And when the pitcher tipped over the side, he might have heard the gasp (and the beginning of a laugh) came from the audience. However it happened, he was immediately aware that something was happening behind him.

Using some combination of the skills that had made him a squash star in college or earned him a Distinguished Flying Cross in the contested skies over Europe, he turned, lunged, and caught the pitcher before it hit the floor.

Rest in peace, Headmaster Bruce McClellan.

Annoying nightmares

Filed under: General — DannyO @ 1:37 am

I am awake at this obscene hour because of a nightmare. It’s a new one; I haven’t had this one before.

But before I tell you about this nightmare, I need to explain about my previous nightmares.  (I would write “my usual nightmare”, except that the  word “usual” might be interpreted to mean that it happens frequently, which is incorrect.  It’s a rare but repeated dream.)

I wonder whether anyone else has had this nightmare, or whether I’m just insane.

I’m running down a dark, dilapidated hall. Doors are everywhere, but all of them are locked. I know this without trying them.  None will open.  They are decoration.

I’m running as fast as I can (which in my dream is impressively fast, unlike real life).

I am running because I know that I am not alone.

There’s also monster in the hall with me. I can’t see much of it because the light is poor, but every once in a while, I catch a glimpse of part of it. It is huge and horrible. The building shakes under its massive footfalls.

At the end of the hall, there’s an open door. It is the way out.  It is the only way out.  When I see it, I try to increase my speed, knowing that something undesirable will happen if I don’t get to the door before the monster, but I’m already running flat out. I am afraid I will lose this race.  I’m doing everything possible to get to the door before the monster.  There is nothing more I can do, and it might not be enough.  If I trip or stumble over something hidden in the half darkness, I will lose.  Even if I do everything perfectly, I could still lose.  It will be close.

The monster also sees the open door. It lets out a bellow of rage so loud it raises dust, and shambles forward with a redoubled effort.  It has reserves, and I have none.  It never seems to falter or trip over the debris in the hall.  It accelerates.  The odds are getting worse by the second.

But the monster’s efforts are in vain.  Just as the monster reaches the doorway, I overtake it. It screams in terror as I tackle it and throw it to the floor. Just as I am about to throttle it with my bare hands, I always wake up in a cold sweat, with my heart racing.

After all, violence is the wrong way to solve problems — I’m a bad, bad person to treat any creature like that. I don’t even know why I’m chasing it.  There is never any motivation or back-story, just a chase.  I am wracked with guilt.

OK, so that’s the normal dream.  Told you I was weird.

Tonight was different.  No hall, but instead a maze, with infinite variation.  There are a million corners to hide behind.  And the monster is bigger than ever–how it fits into the hallways of the maze is a bit of a puzzle, but my dreams are not generally bound by the laws of logic or physics, so I don’t believe I can trap it in a tight corner.  It can go anywhere I can go, despite being forty feet long.

But we are not alone.  We are being watched, by thousands of spectators.  The maze is surrounded by some sort of stadium. This is a sport of some kind.  And all of the spectators are rabidly cheering for the monster.  They love the monster.  I have no idea why, especially considering that the monster occasionally plucks an adoring fan from the front row and eats him or her alive–but the empty seat is immediately filled by another cheering fan, and the game goes on without pause.

The monster and I stalk each other through the maze.  Sometimes I think I’m about to ambush the monster, only to find out that it is behind me.  Sometimes I manage to almost creep up on the monster as it is laying an ambush for me.  Nothing decisive happens.  Neither of us has a clear advantage.  I am a man with many frailties and the monster has home field advantage and is a cunning and tireless reptilian killing machine the size of a double bus.  It’s a well-balanced match and could easily go either way.

I am not enjoying this.  I don’t like fair fights.  I like my dreams to be a little more fun.

It probably has something to do with the current swine flu scare.  I have no fear of the flu for myself, but I fear for my friends and family.  It is a reminder that, unlike the world of my dreams, the real world contains monsters I can’t beat, and people I can’t protect.

April 24, 2009

The Wollyburble Challenge

Filed under: General — DannyO @ 5:46 am

I just goggled the word ‘wollyburble’ and found no hits.  Therefore, I’m going to claim it as my own word.  It will be interesting to see how long that lasts.

Yesterday I challenged some of my friends to provide topics for blog entries, since I was running short of ideas and since I hate the idea of painting myself into a thematic corner by having a biographic or topic-oriented blog (because this is the usual recipe for success in blogging, and I would hate to appear to be pandering my audience, assuming I ever have one).  They delivered, and I will begin working on them presently.

Some of the topics I don’t really understand, but that’s part of the charm.  In some cases, my essays may tangentially touch on the suggested topics, like the ramblings of a sophomore struggling to fill a blue book with bullshit about sociology in several chapters of a book that he hasn’t actually read, because he elected to spend the previous evening chatting up a charming red-head at a local watering hole instead of skimming quickly over the syllabus.  Although it is arguable that his sociology education was indeed furthered more effectively by his election to perform research in the field rather than the library, the full lesson will not dawn upon him until he learns that the charming red-head is the ex-girlfriend of his grader.  Such are the inflection points in our lives.

See what I mean?

If you wish to suggest new topics, please add them as a comment.

April 18, 2009

Racing improves the breed

Filed under: General,Originally on TBD — DannyO @ 6:32 am

PETAs recent position that the concept of purebred dogs is equivalent to racism is completely insane, of course, as most people have come to expect of PETAs positions.

But, like many crazy things, it has a kernel of quasi-truth to it. People are completely comfortable talking about the characteristics of different breeds of dogs (this breed is good with kids, that breed is a good watchdog, this other breed is pretty but stupid, that other breed does nothing but bark all day, and so on). You can look this stuff up. You can buy books that tell you what breed you should get, depending on your own personality and situation. Nobody, except PETA, thinks anything of this. There are no protests.

But it’s a small step from thinking that you can judge the character of a dog from its appearance to thinking that you can judge the character of a person from his or her appearance. And that, dear reader, is racism.

Of course, it’s a wrong step. People are not bred to have a particular appearance or character, while dogs are and have been selectively bred to reinforce certain characteristics for many hundreds of generations. Breedism is not racism.  Breeding is engineering.

In my own case, I can state categorically that red hair is not a by-product of a breeding program to create hyper-intelligence, nor is deep yellow skin a side effect of a breeding program to create the ultimate lover, just as bulging eyes and strong prescription glasses are not a side effect of the sarcasm gene. These are mere coincidences.

Changing the game

Filed under: General,Originally on TBD — DannyO @ 5:34 am

Every once in a while, someone comes along who not only excels at some sport (or art, profession, etc), but does so in a way that not only raises but redefines the game.

I was reminded recently of Bobby Orr, who redefined the game of ice hockey.

Orr’s early career sounds almost like the stuff of legend, but it’s all true. Spotted at the equivalent of a pee-wee hockey game by a talent scout who was at the rink to watch a later game of high-schoolers, Orr was first brought to the attention of the Boston Bruins coaches when he was eleven. By the time he was twelve, he had a contract to play professional hockey for the Bruins — as soon as he was old enough. At age fourteen, the Bruins arranged to have him play for a junior league team (18-20-year-olds) where, despite being the smallest player on the ice, he quickly made a name for himself. There was so much anticipation as Orr grew from a scraggly teenager into an adult that Orr was a superstar in the world of professional hockey before he played his first game as a Bruin, at the tender age of 18.

There was much skepticism that he couldn’t possibly live up to the hype. Stepping out onto the ice with legs that “felt like rubber”, Orr was terrified by the huge crowd before the game began. Nevertheless, he quickly found his rhythm and scored two goals and one assist in the first period. The skeptics were never heard from again. Despite a career shortened by injury, he went on to lead the Bruins (which had before been a lackluster team, to put it mildly) to two Stanley cups, and along the way he picked up nearly every major award in professional hockey, including leading the league in scoring for two years.

But I haven’t told you the game-changing part. Orr lead the league in scoring while he was playing defense.  In fact, his specialty was killing penalties, one of the most difficult assignments in hockey–and he would often change the apparent disadvantage into a scoring opportunity, as shown in what is considered to be one of the greatest goals in hockey: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lE9s_FaOFPM

The scoring records in hockey are all held by offense-oriented stars like the astonishing Wayne Gretzsky.  But true hockey fans understand the importance of the plus/minus statistic: the number of goals scored while a player is on the ice by the team of the player (plus) and the opposing team (minus).  It may seem impressive to score five goals in a game, but it’s less impressive if your opponent scores six.  On the other hand, it may seem lackluster to score only one goal in a game, but if your opponent scores none, you’ve still won.  Bobby Orr’s plus/minus per game is unparalleled.  When you consider this combined with the handicap of killing power plays, it’s even more impressive.  Bobby Orr’s best season plus/minus was 124 goals, the highest ever recorded, and he has three season plus/minus records in the all-time top ten.  No other player appears more than once in the top ten, and Wayne Gretzsky’s highest season plus/minus is 98, Mario Lemieux’s best season just edges out Orr’s rookie season at 55, and Gordie Howe never did better than 45.

Prior to Orr, defensemen were expected to play defense and forwards were responsible for scoring goals. Sure, a defenseman might score an opportunistic goal now and then, but their primary responsibility is protecting their own goal, not putting pucks into the other. Orr could do it all — kill power plays, defend his own goal, and score. Hockey has never be played the same way since.

And, of course, there’s the designers of the Porsche 917K, who forced racing officials to rewrite the rule book in order to permit any other car to be remotely competitive, but that’s another story…

Who is your game-changing legend?

April 6, 2009

Simplify, simplify

Filed under: General — DannyO @ 4:17 pm

It’s often hard to quantify, when it comes to recreation, the trade-off between the work or investment necessary to participate in some activity and the enjoyment (or other benefit) derived from that activity.  But once in a while it becomes obvious that something that used to be fun has simply lost its charm.

I am a member of a social web site, and for the last several months I have spent a considerable fraction of my discretionary time there.  I write short essays, or answer questions.  Sometimes my essays are serious, but usually they are essentially humorous, casual pieces.  Similarly, the answers may be serious (if the question is asked in good faith, and I have some clue how to answer it) or humorous (if the question is silly or the goal of the question is levity rather than enlightenment).  This was a lot of fun at first, because (somewhat to my surprise, given my training and profession) I am reasonably good at this.  My contributions were regarded as entertaining, witty, and generally a good read.  Besides the fun intrinsic in a creative act, who doesn’t like having their ego stroked by feedback like that?

But eventually both novelties wore off–first, the novelty that the other readers enjoyed in my writing, and later the novelty that I enjoyed by writing about different things.  I stopped getting responses to my writing, and I kept seeing the same questions over and and over and over again.

If my talent was more malleable, I suppose I could have adapted, but it isn’t, and I didn’t.  The character of the site was changing, in a direction that I didn’t want to go, and I could neither delay the change nor did I find the prospect of adapting appealing–assuming I was even able make the change.

That sounds very abstract.  Let me be more specific.  A few months ago, chances were excellent that when I was ready to log out at the end of a session, I would have at least one thing that I’d written that I’d want to share with my wife, because I thought it was good enough that she would find it amusing in some way.  I was proud of it and wanted to show it off.  The last week or so, however, I don’t think I’ve written anything worth forcing my wife to read, or anything really worth reading.  Instead, I’ve found myself becoming so bored with some of the unbearably repetitious or inane questions that I felt justified in answering them rudely, and so annoyed with some of the rude comments that I didn’t bother to address them at all.

If there’s one thing I don’t need, it’s something that aggravates me.  That’s why I go to work, and that’s why they pay me for it.  At home, I want something fun.

So this morning I walked away.  My account is still there, and anyone who wants to can find me easily enough if they want to stay in touch, but I’m not going to be contributing so often–perhaps not contributing at all, unless it really starts to look like fun once more.  I probably will check in every once in a while, just to see what kind of discussion topics are floating around, but I don’t have much optimism that things are going to change very much, or very quickly.

April 1, 2009

Bare or hair? A difficult dilemna

Filed under: Funny Stuff,General,Originally on TBD — DannyO @ 6:29 pm

After a recent heated and promising woo-making session was derailed by a lengthy emergency extraction procedure of one of my hairs from my wife’s teeth, my wife brought up the idea that perhaps I should consider shaving what I shall call, to avoid offending any readers with delicate sensibilities, the philtral region.

I’m not sure how I feel about this. I’ve heard that other men do this, and not just from stories–I’ve actually seen clean-shaven men. To be honest, the look appeals to me, but from what I’ve heard, it’s very high-maintenance. A friend of mine, who used to keep himself bare, said he had to shave nearly every morning, and even so, by the time evening rolled around and it was time for snuggle-play with his smoochy-woochy, there was enough stubble so that amorous inclinations of the angel of his dreams were severely attenuated by the ensuing abrasions. She confessed that it give her the sensation that she was making love to a belt sander–an unusually graphic and powerful metaphor from such a sweet, soft-spoken woman. In the end, he had to shave almost every time he wanted nooky, and the water bills alone were enough to make his mojo wane. In the end, it was too much. He hasn’t shaved for years, and both his marriage and his mojo seem to be firing on all cylinders.

I’ve also heard that there are issues with nicks and irritation. Believe me when I say that I don’t need any more irritation in my life, and nobody needs nicks. Since there’s no way I can possibly see what I’m doing without the aid of a mirror (my anatomy being what it is), such nicks seem inevitable, and I wouldn’t wish nicks in such a delicate area upon my worst enemy.

My wife also points out that I’ve come to expect her to be as smooth as a whistle–well, a whistle with a few exquisite wisps of hair–and she therefore believes that is only fair for her to expect the same from me. I don’t think this is fair at all, because I have never asked her to do this! It’s true that I was delighted to discover this facet of her physique at an early phase of our relationship, but it was fait accompli. While I genuinely appreciate the status quo, it is not something that I have ever explicitly asked her to do, and I believe (or like to believe) that I would love her just as much were things otherwise.

And so, gentle readers, I am torn. Should I shave off my mustache?

Oh, and I hope your April is starting off well.

March 28, 2009

Better to light a candle…

Filed under: General,Originally on TBD — DannyO @ 6:23 am

My mother used to tell me that “It is better to light a candle than to curse the darkness.”

Her reasoning, if I remember it correctly, is that if you curse the darkness, you might sound big, scary and dangerous, but if you light a candle, all the monsters will immediately know exactly where you are and that you’re nothing but a small, terrified and potentially tasty child left alone in the dark. Might as well get it over with quickly.

What words of wisdom did your parents impart to you?

And how did you interpret them?

March 22, 2009

Fecundity

Filed under: General — DannyO @ 9:16 am

I know that I’m using the word incorrectly, but, like so many things having to do with reproduction, it feels good to do it even if it’s not done perfectly.

Last summer I grew some flowers in the garden, but my efforts were somewhat frustrated by the long period of time between covering the seeds with dirt and the appearance of flowers (or anything otherwise interesting).  Add to this the annoyance of having some of the tiny sprouts, once they started to appear, mowed into oblivion by the guy who cuts the lawn, eaten by insects, crushed by the errant feet of small children, dried out in a drought, or just die for no particular reason, plus the lack of yield for some of the efforts (such as an enormous moonflower vine that produced only two blooms all year) and you can imagine that this year I decided that things would be different.

Of course, whenever I decide that things are going to be different, my doom is to discover that things can be different in many ways.

Last year I planted late, and therefore things were just starting to get going in July and we didn’t really start to see serious flowering until August.  The fault was shared; first, I put the seeds in the ground later than necessary, and second, the seeds took their sweet time germinating and getting their first leaves out into the sun.  So this year I decided I would jump-start the process by using seed starters to start growing the plants indoors before the last frost, and then transplant the young plants outside when the weather was good.  I carefully consulted the seed packages, which list the expected germination time and the elapsed time until emergence, and then consulted the long-range weather forecast, and then added a little pessimism based on my experiences from last year, and decided that last weekend was the right time to plant the first batch of morning glories and nasturtiums.

If you’re a fan of suspense, go read a book for an hour or so and then check back.  Otherwise, I see no need to prolong the narrative by including a full chronicle of the ensuing events.

One week later–and still more than a week earlier than I was lead to believe I could reasonably expect to see young shoots tentatively emerging from the soil, I have a tray full of morning glory vines, some as many as 9 inches in length, threatening to choke each other already, and I have nowhere to transplant them, because the forecast calls for a hard frost several nights this week.

I might as well confess that one of the other reasons that I don’t have anywhere to put them is because I did not fully comprehend the difference between gardening and potting soil until this week.  I thought garden soil would be adequate for containers, but I was wrong.  Potting soil has radically different draining and absorption properties than garden soil.  This makes sense if you think about it at all, which I neglected to do.  But I digress.

It’s a bit frightening that a relatively small seed can increase in size so many-fold in a single week.  At this rate, in another week the vines will be large enough to threaten our living room.  By the end of the next week, the vines will occupy a space the size of Middlesex County.  By the end of the following week, most of the continent will be overrun.  Some time during the following week, the growth rate at the ends of the vines will exceed the speed of sound.  In the next month, the vines will rival the national deficit in size, and in three months the solar system will be in peril.  In less than a year, the vines will be long enough to circle Dick Cheney’s arrogance.

OK, that last one is a little silly, and perhaps an exaggeration.  I don’t think the vines will grow that large.

What to do?

If I can’t come up with a plan soon, I’m going to pitch the whole thing in the trash, and start over from scratch in mid-April.  Of course, next time I do this, the morning glories will take four weeks to sprout…  Nothing ever happens the same way twice, especially if that’s your hope.

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