Words of Danny O'Bigbelly My idea of a good time

I am awake at this obscene hour because of a nightmare. It’s a new one; I haven’t had this one before.

But before I tell you about this nightmare, I need to explain about my previous nightmares.  (I would write “my usual nightmare”, except that the  word “usual” might be interpreted to mean that it happens frequently, which is incorrect.  It’s a rare but repeated dream.)

I wonder whether anyone else has had this nightmare, or whether I’m just insane.

I’m running down a dark, dilapidated hall. Doors are everywhere, but all of them are locked. I know this without trying them.  None will open.  They are decoration.

I’m running as fast as I can (which in my dream is impressively fast, unlike real life).

I am running because I know that I am not alone.

There’s also monster in the hall with me. I can’t see much of it because the light is poor, but every once in a while, I catch a glimpse of part of it. It is huge and horrible. The building shakes under its massive footfalls.

At the end of the hall, there’s an open door. It is the way out.  It is the only way out.  When I see it, I try to increase my speed, knowing that something undesirable will happen if I don’t get to the door before the monster, but I’m already running flat out. I am afraid I will lose this race.  I’m doing everything possible to get to the door before the monster.  There is nothing more I can do, and it might not be enough.  If I trip or stumble over something hidden in the half darkness, I will lose.  Even if I do everything perfectly, I could still lose.  It will be close.

The monster also sees the open door. It lets out a bellow of rage so loud it raises dust, and shambles forward with a redoubled effort.  It has reserves, and I have none.  It never seems to falter or trip over the debris in the hall.  It accelerates.  The odds are getting worse by the second.

But the monster’s efforts are in vain.  Just as the monster reaches the doorway, I overtake it. It screams in terror as I tackle it and throw it to the floor. Just as I am about to throttle it with my bare hands, I always wake up in a cold sweat, with my heart racing.

After all, violence is the wrong way to solve problems — I’m a bad, bad person to treat any creature like that. I don’t even know why I’m chasing it.  There is never any motivation or back-story, just a chase.  I am wracked with guilt.

OK, so that’s the normal dream.  Told you I was weird.

Tonight was different.  No hall, but instead a maze, with infinite variation.  There are a million corners to hide behind.  And the monster is bigger than ever–how it fits into the hallways of the maze is a bit of a puzzle, but my dreams are not generally bound by the laws of logic or physics, so I don’t believe I can trap it in a tight corner.  It can go anywhere I can go, despite being forty feet long.

But we are not alone.  We are being watched, by thousands of spectators.  The maze is surrounded by some sort of stadium. This is a sport of some kind.  And all of the spectators are rabidly cheering for the monster.  They love the monster.  I have no idea why, especially considering that the monster occasionally plucks an adoring fan from the front row and eats him or her alive–but the empty seat is immediately filled by another cheering fan, and the game goes on without pause.

The monster and I stalk each other through the maze.  Sometimes I think I’m about to ambush the monster, only to find out that it is behind me.  Sometimes I manage to almost creep up on the monster as it is laying an ambush for me.  Nothing decisive happens.  Neither of us has a clear advantage.  I am a man with many frailties and the monster has home field advantage and is a cunning and tireless reptilian killing machine the size of a double bus.  It’s a well-balanced match and could easily go either way.

I am not enjoying this.  I don’t like fair fights.  I like my dreams to be a little more fun.

It probably has something to do with the current swine flu scare.  I have no fear of the flu for myself, but I fear for my friends and family.  It is a reminder that, unlike the world of my dreams, the real world contains monsters I can’t beat, and people I can’t protect.