Words of Danny O'Bigbelly My idea of a good time

Long-suffering reader Kate Ainsworth asks: “Is arrogance the enemy of empathy? Can they live together?”

– – – – –

After the last card was dealt, Arrogance picked up his hand, fanned it quickly, and immediately closed it again.

“It’s your bid, dear,” said his partner, Empathy.

“Five spades,” growled Arrogance.

To his left, Insouciance raised her eyebrows. “Isn’t that a very high opening bid?,” she asked, and then turned to look for an answer from Empathy.

“Not that high. If you have the cards. If you don’t have the cards, then it’s a ridiculous bid,” noted Arrogance.

“Dear, don’t forget that this is the first time Insouciance has played bridge,” said Empathy, slightly lowering her forehead.

“Yes, of course it is,” responded Arrogance. “So here’s what you should do. You should bid something higher. Six of something. Whatever looks best to you. And then that means that when it’s my turn to call again, I can double. If you don’t bid something, and Empathy and Apathy pass, then the contract is five spades. You know I think I can do it. If you out-bid me, then you’ll have to make the contract. What is your response?”

Insouciance looked over her cards and bit her lip. “Pass,” she mumbled after several moments of consideration.

“This isn’t the right way to teach the game,” said Empathy directly to Arrogance. She turned towards Insouciance and continued. “Usually the first round of bids are used only as a way for the partners to exchange information, to communicate, about the strengths or weaknesses of their hands. For example, as I was explaining a moment ago, an opening bid of ‘one heart’ typically means that the caller wants his partner to know that he or she has a hand that is strong in hearts. If it is particularly strong, he or she might increase the bid on the next round.” She turned to Apathy and continued. “It does take some time to learn how it works, bu it’s not hard, and eventually it becomes almost intuitive.”

“Bid, please,” muttered Arrogance impatiently. Empathy ignored him.

“Perhaps it would be more educational–and fun–to deal a few hands and just practice bidding on them,” suggested Empathy.

“Whatever,” opined Apathy. “I’m just here for the conversation. I don’t really care about this game. It has too many rules. It all seems arbitrary.”

“Maybe we should just play Hearts, then?,” suggested Arrogance. “Fewer rules to remember. And less thought. It’s mostly luck. Or maybe Old Maid? Go Fish?”

Arrogance smiled at Apathy and took a sip of his coffee. Insouciance stared intently at her hand. Apathy began to mouth a word, but then hesitated.

“Will you look at the time? We really must be going,” said Empathy, breaking the silence. “We promised the sitter we’d be home by, ummm, nine forty-five,” she continued, after quickly consulting her watch.

“Yes. We do need to get going. I really lost track of the time. You know how it flies when you’re having fun, and all that,” gaily added Arrogance.

“I suppose,” muttered Apathy. “I’ve never really understood that expression.”

Insouciance put down her cards and smiled. “Thank you for teaching us how to play Bridge.”

“There’s more to learn. Much, much more.  Maybe we can do this again soon?,” Arrogance replied.

“Certainly we must have you over next,” added Empathy. “But we don’t need to play cards. We don’t need to play anything at all. Maybe we can discuss books.”

Arrogance immediately perked up. “If one of you could explain the end of Gravity’s Rainbow to me, I’d certainly appreciate that. I’ve been stuck on that for years. The rest of the book makes perfect sense, but the last two hundred pages or so–whoosh! Right over my head! I think that’s why although it’s Pynchon’s most critically acclaimed book, it didn’t sell as many copies as, say, Vineland, which is much more appealing to a broader audience. It’s a much easier read. Have you read it?”

– – – – –

Empathy was silent for a few moments as they drove away. As they merged onto the highway, she began to speak in a measured tone.

“I don’t think the Winslows will be inviting us over for cards again any time soon.”

“That’s too bad. I was having fun.”

“Yes, you were having fun. But nobody else was having fun. You didn’t have to make a big deal about how bad they are at playing cards.”

“I like to win–what’s wrong with that? And I was winning, so I was having a good time. I don’t think I made a big deal about them being bad at cards.” Arrogance paused and then chuckled for a moment. “And boy, are they bad at cards! I’d only feel guilty if we were playing for money or something. We’d probably be driving their car home instead of our own. Or maybe we wouldn’t even be driving home at all–maybe we’d be kicking them out of their former house!”

“But you were mean. You were rude to our hosts. You made them feel stupid.”

“Well, maybe I made them feel bad at cards. Or maybe I helped them come to terms with their inability to play cards. That’s not the same thing as making them feel stupid.”

“It’s too easy for people to get those two things confused. You know how it is. When you insult part of a person, or point out a flaw in a person, it taints all of their feelings.”

“You’re a fine one to talk.”

“I beg your pardon?”

“At least I treat them as foes worthy of humiliation. You, all touchy-feely and understanding, treat them even worse.”

“I’m looking forward to hearing your reasoning. Do go on.”

“You accept their problems. You feel for them. You sympathize. You’re complacent. You want to see their point of view. Don’t you know how insulting that is?”

“No. I’m not getting it.”

“OK, let me try again. Insouciance stinks at bidding. She just doesn’t get it yet. You are OK with this; you understand her difficulty and you feel her pain. You make her feel like it’s OK. Don’t you think it’s condescending to tell someone that you understand why they’re terrible at something? Maybe a little indignation would be more helpful. Some incredulity. Don’t just try to understand their problem–focus on the solution! Don’t tell her it’s OK to suck at Bridge. Tell her she shouldn’t suck. Expect her to not suck. Reject suckage, it all its forms!”

“But I think you hurt their feelings.”

“Yes, maybe so. For the sake of argument, let’s say I did. But maybe they’ll get better at Bridge in order to avoid further pain. Maybe this will help them grow as people.”

“More likely they’ll just never invite us over again. And what good are your Bridge skills if you can’t get anyone to play with you more than once?”

“Look, when I’m better than someone else at something, I enjoy it. Of course I understand their feelings. If I didn’t understand their feelings, then I wouldn’t enjoy it so much. I don’t want to make them feel miserable, I just want to feel better than they feel. It’s part of the game.”

“But not everything is a game. Sometimes feelings are more important that winning.”

“Not to me. To me, everything is a game. Everything is about winning. I thought you, of all people, would understand that about me by now.”

Empathy looked out the window at the passing cars. She was silent for several minutes.