Graced with a touch more arrogance, I would call this “The Best of Wellfleet, 2010”, but I just can’t summon up the necessary chutzpah right now. I’m not in a good position to determine the best that Wellfleet has to offer. I haven’t been to every restaurant or ordered everything on the menu, even though it sometimes feels (and more often looks) as if I have, so I’ll just focus on what I’ve liked best, without attempting to foist off my preferences as absolute truths.
This is a list of things that I’ve liked the best this year. You are free to disagree; by the time you read this, your arguments will mean little to me, since I will have returned from the Cape after my annual summer jaunt, but if there’s something that you want to get off your chest, please, by all means, make yourself welcome. I enjoy being a facilitator.
We should begin with the basics: best fried seafood. There are several stellar purveyors of fried seafood in the Wellfleet area, and picking a favorite is a question of arbitrary personal taste–which, fortunately, is exactly the sort of personal taste I have. I give this title to “Moby Dicks” (fried scallop platter) and “The Beachcomber” (fried calimari platter). Neither of these will leave you disappointed in any manner, unless you ordered something else and received them by accident.
You will note that I did not begin my list with a discussion of fried clams. This is no accident. There are two reasons for this. First, I do not eat fried clams. I have found that eating fried clams (or oysters, or perhaps any other entire mollusk) upsets my stomach later, for reasons that I have not taken the time to investigate, because I’ve found that I can live a happy, fulfilling life without them. There are always scallops, shrimp, calimari, lobster, abalone, or fish to fry.
The second reason is, perhaps, more important. The best fried clams in the world are served at Woodmans in Essex (about three hours away by car, for you out-of-state readers) and having eaten their clams in the past, I am doomed to find all other fried clams to be a pale imitation. But, as long as we’re on the subject, clams aren’t even the best thing about Woodmans. The best things about Woodmans are, in descending order of awesomeness, their fried native tiny shrimp, and their onion rings. I will not order these anywhere else, because the result is, at best, both heart-breaking and artery-clogging.
The best nachos are at The Beachcomber. No other nachos that I’ve had in Wellfleet are even worthy of the name, but the nachos at “The Beachcomber” are the balls. Don’t order them unless you’re either in a large party, or plan on having them as your entree, or are a fat, greedy pig, or all three, because they are far too much food for a simple appetizer. The Beachcomber does not skimp, and you’ll want to eat every bit of it, because the balance of ingredients is perfect. There are no cheeseless pockets of chips hiding in the bottom. There is no place that the salsa and chili have not penetrated. It’s all good, and they give you enough to feed a small family with growing children.
The best music and atmosphere also goes to The Beachcomber. I believe that I can assert, without fear of contradiction, that they also have the most alluring waitresses. It is a bit of local sport to watch Men of a Certain Station in Life flirt with the waitresses, who, by virtue of their position, interact daily with men who are younger, hipper, more intelligent, richer, and more charismatic than a forty-something with kids in tow could ever hope to be. Personally, I do not engage in this sport, mostly because I do not like to see people make fools of themselves, but also because it would take valuable time away from oogling the hot redhead who works behind the bar, who is considered by many to be a living national treasure.
Best french fries goes to The Lighthouse. The Lighthouse also wins for the best clam chowder. I surprise myself by giving The Lighthouse the best for anything (except most convenient location on move-in day) because their kitchen has been very inconsistent for the last several decades. When we started going there, which was right around the time that most of the current wait-staff was born, it was very good, and every year we went there, we saw the same staff, serving the same menu. Then it went into a decline, somewhere around twelve years ago, and never seemed to recover. We believe that the ownership changed hands at least twice, if not several times, because the faces seemed to change every year or two. Now they seem to be different almost every time we go, and the menu often changes as well. We have had some truly disappointing meals there in past years, but this year, they seem to be back on their feet. We don’t eat there as much as we used to (since there are no so many other options that we know well), but perhaps this will change, if their positive trend continues. Their basics are good this year, but do yourself a favor and do not order the nachos, and on Thursday, aka “Mexican Night”, stay far away.
You might ask yourself why we continue to eat at The Lighthouse after being disappointed several times in the past. I shall briefly explain. One item that has remained constant on their menu is Portuguese Kale Soup, and my daughter is crazy about Portuguese Kale Soup. Is it any good? I cannot say, but I know that she likes it very much. I have never ordered it, since I am not a fan, but its continued presence on the menu ensures that we will eat there at least once per visit.
Best sushi goes to Mac’s Shack. I’m not aware of any other sushi in the neighborhood, but they’d probably win anyway. It’s extremely respectable sushi. A traditionalist might find fault with a sushi bar that plays reggae music and also serves umbrella drinks and boiled lobster, but I say nuts to them. This is Wellfleet, not Tokyo.
The rest of the menu at Mac’s Shack is also extremely strong, and I would probably eat there much more frequently if my family occupied a higher tax bracket. I do recommend staying away from their stuffed lobster, because stuffed lobster, unlike revenge, is not a dish best served at or below room temperature, and that is how I have perceived their stuffed lobster both times I have tried it–after the first bad experience, I thought perhaps that it was just a fluke and I would be safe ordering it again, but now I am convinced of the opposite. But again, I am spoiled, perhaps, because in the back of my mind I will always be aware that the best stuffed lobster in the world was available only at the restaurant at Drake’s Anchorage in the British Virgin Islands, and only up until around 1996. It was, as far as I could tell, transubstantiation of lobster, cheese, sherry, and bread crumbs. It’s my own fault for being disappointed; I should know better than to ever order stuffed lobster again, anywhere.
Best daily special: Moby Dick’s scallop sandwich: broiled scallops wrapped in cheese and bacon on a philly roll; delicious, and as one of the less expensive items on the menu, an utter bargain, especially if your health plan covers angioplasty. It’s a daily special in name only, as far as I can tell–it’s been on the board every time I’ve gone there, as far as I can remember. But let’s see past this detail and focus on the deeper truth: it’s almost always a good bet to order off the special board around here. Most of the restaurants on the Cape have menus that appear to be dictated by some unfathomable but unbreakable set of commandments: thou must serve chowder, bisque, boiled lobster, fish sandwiches, fried this, broiled that, raw something else, and chicken fingers for the kids and Caesar salads for people looking for leafy vegetables. The loophole in these laws is in the daily specials, which can be almost anything. These are the things that the chefs want to cook; these are the things the owners want to offer in order to differentiate themselves from their cohort. Order them, as long as they are not outlandish. You will rarely be disappointed. Although please keep in mind my earlier advice about Mexican Night at The Lighthouse.
Best authentic beach fare: Mac’s Seafood, of course. It’s the only place to get seafood that’s actually on the beach. If you want to eat fried shrimp or squid with sand between your toes, it’s the only game in town. Plus, it’s got ice-cream. The perfect place to amble to after a hard night of square dancing on the town pier, which, for some reason, was apparently canceled last Wednesday. Maybe it was the rain. I’ve heard that there are people who don’t like to dance in light rain, but those people are meek, weak and without moral fiber.
Best place for the family: The Bookstore Restaurant. It’s got something for everyone, plus it has the Town Beach across the street (aka the one beach in Wellfleet where you can park for free), the playground, the skateboard park, yoga on Thursday, Shakespeare on Monday and Tuesday (or something like that), and there’s actually a bookstore right next door. Also a pub, should circumstances require it. A word of caution: the bisque is too salty–resist the temptation. Also, there’s some sort of seafood fettucine alfredo dish on the dinner menu that should be ordered only with care and by people with ravenous appetites, because it is both utterly delicious and far too much food for any normal person to consume. I’ve heard some people claim that the way to avoid weight gain after a large meal is to walk home afterward, but in this specific case, I doubt that this advice is sufficient, unless one walks home pushing their car in front of them, with the parking brake engaged, and home is somewhere in the foothills of the Canadian Rockies. In simple terms, you might want to consider sharing this entree.
Best places to go with a big crowd of noisy, boisterous people or unruly children: Arnolds (in Eastham), PJs, The Wicked Oyster, Winslow’s Tavern, and half a dozen other places up and down Route 6. Arnolds is genuinely good, and they have miniature golf and ice cream on the premises. PJs is reputed to have the best fried clams on the Cape. The Wicked Oyster is supposed to have the best oyster stew, or something like that. Winslow’s Tavern has fought hard to win its reputation for the most pretentious wine list. These are all decent places about which many people have extremely nice things to say. There are also places that are new and about which I don’t know much, such as Pearl or The Flying Fish, but have been positively reviewed. I think everyone should try these other restaurants–at least, enough people should go to them to keep the wait to be seated at my favorite restaurants tranquil and pleasantly brief.
