Words of Danny O'Bigbelly My idea of a good time

Yesterday my photography companion and I spent some time at the Arnold Arboretum, capturing images of the trees as they changed to the Autumn colors.  The day was perfect, with a sky as blue as a crayon.

Yet another questionnaire, but this one has a single instruction: name the ten movies that matter the most to you.

Of course, I can’t simply do that.  I need to begin by reflecting on the question itself…

I am not a huge fan of movies. I like watching them but they don’t take on deep significance for me. Some of them are reminders or mnemonics for phases of my life, which I suppose is significance of some sort, but I don’t see my life reflected in movies. Well, not most movies. Maybe just one or two.

1) Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon.

I’ve heard that there are people who don’t like this movie. They probably live in the same parallel universe as Sarah Palin fans: I don’t know any, I don’t know anyone who knows any, I can’t imagine where they came from, or how they came to be. This movie has everything: love, romance, and, of course, Green Destiny.

2) Manhattan.

She doesn’t really have a voice like the mouse in the Tom and Jerry cartoons. Good god, this movie is inspired. I hope I never win the Zelda Fitzgerald Emotional Maturity Award.

3) Monsters, Inc.

I like my movies dialog-driven. This movie has more banter for the buck than almost any other movie. They could probably squeeze in a few more words here and there, but that’s not the point. This is a perfect buddy movie.

4) Predator

“If it bleeds, we can kill it.” It’s become sort of a mantra for me at work. And yes, I have time to duck.

5) One Crazy Summer

I don’t understand why this movie wasn’t more popular than Titantic. OK, that’s a small lie. I understand it. But it’s wrong; a symptom of some flaw in this world–perhaps even original sin. The genius (if I may abuse that word, and I believe I may) of this movie is that most of it is an elaborate setup for five or six exquisite gags. Characters are introduced, situations set up, coincidences occur, all leading to a perfect, otherwise impossible collision. I won’t spoil it for you, but I will mention that at first you’re going to think it’s stupid and unfunny that Bobcat Goldthwait gets stuck in a Godzilla costume and can’t get out of it without help–but then, as events unfold, you’ll realize the complete and utter necessity of a character appearing in a Godzilla costume a few scenes later.

6) Hero

I understand that there are several movies with this title. I am referring only to the one that I like. When the Emperor smiles and gives Nameless his sword, I get chills. Or Moon versus Flying Snow in the orchard, which, if I remember correctly, was described by the New Yorker review as a scene that created a new genre. Sublime.

7) The Matrix

“Whoa…” No, not the famous quote from the movie. That’s the quote from the theater full of film students I saw the movie with, the moment when Trinity jumps in the air at the beginning of the movie. I could almost see the thought balloons rising through the projector’s light (“I have to use this effect!”). And so it has become. So many movies, commercials, etc use these special effects that they’ve lost most of their power, but imagine, if you can, watching that first moment of “bullet time” back in 1999 (I hope I got the year right…). Whoa.

8) The Rocky Horror Picture Show

Perhaps if I had been more socially adept during my college years (it hasn’t really gotten any better, sad to say) then this movie wouldn’t be on my list, but it gave me something to do any Saturday night that I needed something to do… That, and the looong walk home from the Exeter Street Theater.

9) Animal House

I’ve been to parties like that. Or so I’ve heard. I don’t clearly remember much of them. Anyway, it’s pretty damn funny, even now. I wonder whether Senator Blutarsky is republican or democrat?

10) Annie Hall

Yeah, I liked it.

Exhausted by those surveys made up by schoolchildren, for schoolchildren, some friends on facebook came up with a bunch of questions for people with a few more years on the clock.

1. What bill do you hate paying the most?

I’m annoyed that I have to pay someone to cut my lawn. I never thought it would come to this, but then again, I never thought I’d have a front yard that looks like a model for a double black diamond run. I’m not completely invalid but there’s no way I’m getting a mower up and down that slope without it ending up going over the wall and into the street on a regular basis.

I’m also a bit annoyed, but less so, about having to pay for extended day for my kids school. I may have a bad memory, but I don’t remember anything like this when I was a kid.

2. Where was the last place you had a romantic dinner?

It’s been so long that I don’t remember.

Romance is more or less absent from my life.

3. What do you really want to be doing right now?

Something romantic.

4. How many colleges did you attend?

I’m not sure what this question is asking. Probably about matriculation. So let’s just say two-ish. I was only in a degree program at one, but I took some courses at another.

5. Why did you choose the shirt that you have on right now?

I’m wearing a bathrobe.

6. What are your thoughts on gas prices?

I’d pay a lot of money for something that could stop my farting. Seriously–I fart more than any two people I know.

This probably contributes to the dearth of romance in my life.

7. First thought when your alarm goes off?

If we’ve slept until the alarm went off, there’s no time for cuddling before it’s time to wake up.

8. Last thought before going to sleep last night?

Pondering the question of what I’m going to do to straighten out my dead-end career. No answers came to me.

9. Do you miss being a child?

Some parts of being a child were great.

But then again, some parts were absolutely horrible.  I’m probably repressing the really bad memories, so I’ll have to say no.

10. What errand/chore do you despise?

I’m not sure I could call this despicable, but it would be nice of there was someone living in my household who could vacuum, or put in new paper towels and toilet paper.

11. Get up early or sleep in?

Guess.

12. Have you found real love yet?

I guess so.

13. Favorite lunch meat?

Turkey.

14. What do you get every time you go into Wal-Mart?

I don’t go to Walmart often enough to have established a pattern.

15. Beach or lake?

Beach, unless it’s a large enough lake to have a tide. I consider the tide to be the second most important feature a body of water can have. The most important feature, of course, is that attractive women often wear skimpy bathing suits near large bodies of water.

16. Do you think marriage is an outdated ritual?

You say that like it’s a bad thing.

People really seem to enjoy weddings, and as long as this is true, it’s still serving a very useful purpose. I have no objection to people having fun.

17. Sopranos or Desperate Housewives?

My limited exposure to television (especially television that requires cable) makes this question difficult to answer. But from the small amount of info that I do have, I have to say that given the choice between a drama about a bunch of murderous psychopaths and a comedy about people with difficult family relationships, I’m going to go with the comedy every time, so Sopranos gets the nod.

18.What famous person would you like to have dinner with?

Tough call. Most famous people would find me a little boring. And there would probably be people dropping by the table asking for their autograph, interrupting what little conversation we had.

So, I’m going to go with Hatshepsut. Not knowing the ground rules of this hypothetical question, I think she’s a fairly safe bet.

First, she’s an incredibly interesting historical figure. Second, if the powers of hypotheticalism aren’t sufficient to allow her to speak English, she’s probably still good to look at and fairly polite. Third, of the powers of hypotheticalism aren’t sufficient to bring her back to life, since she’s been dead for thousands of years she’s probably not all that pungent any more, and she won’t mind if I eat her dessert.

19. Have you ever crashed your vehicle?

Yes, but it was usually an accident.

20. Ever use a fire extinguisher for its intended purpose?

Whatever I use a fire extinguisher for is exactly what I intend it for.

21. Ring tone?

Whatever it came with.

22. Strangest place you have ever brushed your teeth?

I always brush my teeth inside my mouth.

23. Somewhere in California you’ve never been and would like to go?

The Playboy Mansion?

Sorry, I’m at a bit of a loss. I’ve been pretty much everywhere in California that doesn’t require getting past a bouncer.

23. Do you go to church?

Not very often these days.

24. At this point in your life would you rather start a new career or a new relationship?

New career.

25. How old are you?

That’s a complicated question.

26. Do you have a go to person?

No.

27. Are you where you want to be in life?

No.

28. Growing up, what were your favorite cartoons?

I used to watch cartoons every Saturday. There used to be shows that previewed the cartoons for the next season and I had to watch those. It was very exciting. But I don’t remember any of them now.

29. What about you do you think has changed the most?

Over the years, my capacity to really foul things up has expanded enormously.

30. Looking back at high school were they the best years of your life?

In some important ways, yes.

31. Are there times you still feel like a kid?

I’m not sure.

32. Did you ever own troll dolls?

I think someone in my family did, because I remember playing with one.  The concept of ownership was a bit fuzzy in the context of toys, and so I doubt I actually owned it.

33. Did you have a pager?

Yes. I think it only went off once or twice.

34. Where was the hang-out spot when you were a teenager?

Damned if I know. It wouldn’t have been the cool, popular hang-out if they’d allowed people like me to know about it.

35. Were you the type of kid you would want your children to hang out with?

Probably, although they probably wouldn’t want to.

It’s like some sort of interrogation, where there same questions are asked again and again and again, with minor variations, in the hope that I’ll slip up, fail to keep the story straight, and the truth will come tumbling out.

But so far, I’ve withstood every variation.

1. What would people be surprised to find in your kitchen or refrigerator?

Amelia Earhart.

At least, it would surprise the heck out of me.

2. Name three (or more) foods that are always in your refrigerator.

Milk, milk, lemonade, and usually something chocolate.

Then later in the week, it’s just milk and lemonade.

When the milk is gone, it’s time for another run to the market.

3. What is the perfect snack?

Perfect for me, or perfect for the snack?

I’ll eat Doritos until I reach the bottom of the bag. Good for Frito-Lay, but not so good for me.

I hate those toasted pita thingies, so they are the perfect snack for me, because I won’t eat them.

4. What are your favorite edible indulgences?

As mentioned before, I enjoy See Food.

The most indulgency thing that I’ll eat is my mother-in-law’s buckeyes. I have never seen these elsewhere and don’t know if other people call them the same thing, but they’re some sort of peanut butter thing dipped in chocolate, about the size of a ping-pong ball. Like what a Reeses peanut butter cup (which I also adore) wants to be when it grows up. It’s one of the few things she cooks that doesn’t make my stomach shrivel. So, I eat them to indulge myself, and nearly everything else she cooks, I eat to indulge her. Fortunately, she gave up cooking altogether several years ago, and the reserves of left-overs are starting to run low.

5. What and where is your favorite restaurant and what do you order there?

You’re trying to order a hit on me; I can tell.

My favorite restaurant changes according to my mood, but I do have a bad habit of ordering the same thing over and over at the same restaurant. For example, when I go to any of the chain of “The Border Cafe” I will order the gulf coast enchiladas, every time.  So that’s the dish to put the poison in.

6. What is/are the most unusual thing you have ever eaten?

I have a strict policy of only eating things once, and therefore each thing I eat is equally unusual.

7. What would you never eat?

I tend to avoid insects. No special reason, but I guess I’m too old to overcome that childhood aversion.

Also, I avoid eating things that are still alive, unless they’re shellfish, or fruit.

Oh, and Amelia Earhart.

Those folks on MySpace never rest.  Ah, the energy of youth, or something like that.

Did you stand on your tippy-toes when you had your last kiss?

I don’t have kisses. I do something else with them.

And I don’t stand on my tippy-toes very often. Less often than I kiss, and that’s not all that often.

What reminds you of the last person you kissed?

She leaves her stuff all over the house, so there are constant reminders.

Do you ever think about the past?

I remember the past, and sometimes I ponder it, but I rarely think about it.

Although some part of my brain is always sifting through the warehouse of data and experiences I’ve got piled up in the cluttered white elephant shop I call my memory, and every once in a while it finds something interesting. I’ll be going about my business when all of a sudden I’ll have a epiphanette (“In 1980, when that girl I was talking with at the mixer said she needed to find the bathroom, she didn’t really need to find the bathroom. She was just trying to dust me off! If only I had realized this earlier, the evening might, perhaps, have still been salvaged!”)

Do you believe ex’s can be friends?

Everyone always asks this question. The fact that we’ve all answered it already doesn’t seem to change anything. Therefore, I must assume that when people ask this question, they’re not really looking for an honest answer. The way the question is phrased, it is clearly an attempt to rationalize a decision that has already been made, and, perhaps, acted upon.

So, fine. Be friends with your ex. You’re a smart person. I’m confident you’ll be the one to figure out how to make it work. You’ve already made your decision to try, so I’ll just annoy you by telling you that the odds are long.

Do you currently have a hickey, if so where?

I don’t have a hickey. I have a doohickey, a gadget, and several gizmos.

It’s not the same, but I make do.

Last night you felt?

The usual.

Did you have any plans Friday?

Yes. Thanks for asking.

What were you doing an hour ago?

I was either asleep or looking at pr0n.

Where by pr0n I mean real estate ads. I get very excited by the idea of living in a house that isn’t falling down around my ears, and that has space for all my stuff.

Does anyone know your password besides you?

I have several passwords. A few (like my pin) I share with my wife.

Among the others, I’m reasonably confident that two have been sniffed but the others are still secure.

Are all of your friends virgin?

You mean, like “virgin olive oil”? Or do you mean, like “have not had sex?” That little “s” makes a big difference.

I’m skeptical of the former but optimistic about the latter. I’m pretty sure both have happened, in some sense, to all my friends.

Who was the last person to lay in bed with you?

I could just keep making jokes about incorrect grammar and usage, but nobody is going to think they’re funny.

Do you want to see somebody right now?

I’m married, so I’ve bagged my limit. I can’t really manage seeing someone on the side.

When’s the last time you cried?

I don’t know.

Well, technically, I cried out “Snout!” last night when I was playing Super Mario Kart Wii with the kids. I got nailed by a chomper I thought was already at the end of its chain.

Did you know that the human brain is set up so that some words or phrases are spoken automatically in response to specific emotions or situations? It’s why people who have lost their ability to speak (via brain injury) will still cuss if the situation calls for it. Even better, it’s pretty easy to reprogram yourself to say different things. People usually do this without even thinking about it, so that when they get a boo-boo they say “ouch” instead of just screaming. People don’t say “ouch” everywhere; it’s a function of language and culture…

Anyway, it’s really easy to reprogram this, and so, with kids around the house, and my endless feud with SMK, I’ve taken steps to replace “YOU MOTHERFUCKING MOTHERFUCKER! I’M COMING BACK WITH A FUCKING STAR AND SHOVING IT RIGHT UP YOUR MOTHERFUCKING ASS!” with “Oh, Snout!”

What is in your backpack right now?

A bunch of stuff I’ve been meaning to file. Thanks for the reminder.

Would it be more likely of you to fail Science or Math?

I’ll take science for 800, Alex.

Will you regret your next kiss?

Who am I–Nostradamus?

Has the last person you kissed ever seen you cry?

That’s a good question. Ask her.

Are you a forgiving person?

I try to be forgiving. I rarely actually do come back with a star and shove it anywhere.

Although if I happen to have a star, sometimes I get caught up in the heat of the moment.

What are you listening to?

Tinnitus.

Where’s the last place you went besides your house?

Work.

Do you have a best friend of the opposite sex you can tell everything to?

I have a wife, and she more or less fills this role.

Do you believe your ex cares about you?

I’ve been in a monogamous relationship for several decades, so my ex’s, who never really cared about me all that much to begin with, probably don’t remember me at all.

Kill the spider or let it out?

If it’s a bitey kind, it’s dead. Otherwise, if it’s the cool kind, just leave it be.

Are you cheating on someone right now?

No, but if I was, I would be sure to tell everyone on the internet about it immediately.

Are you nice to everyone?

No. I’d like to be, but my manners pretty much suck, and I can be petty, although I try not to be.

For example, there was a woman yesterday who was giving me all kinds of attitude yesterday, and I wanted to tell her off (this woman comes from Sweden, where, apparently, it is considered normal manners to walk up to someone you hardly know and start critiquing their dress and grooming), but I didn’t. But I wanted to. Snout!

Have you ever liked someone you didn’t expect to?

Expect to what?

Have you ever had the feeling something bad was going to happen and you were right?

Often and sometimes.

Is your hair longer than your shoulders?

My shoulders are not long. They are very broad.

Have you ever taken a picture of yourself kissing someone?

No.

Could you forgive your best friend for sleeping with your bf/gf?

My wife is my best friend, so it’s hard to answer this question.

But if she cheated on me, forgiveness would be a challenge.

Did you get a full 8 hours of sleep last night?

Ha!

Have you ever kissed anyone with a name that started with C or D?

Hmmm… Let’s see–there were Kim, Susan, Suzanne, Marianne, Maryann, Eileen, Linda, Debra, Deborah, Diane, Victoria, Elizabeth, Beth, Carina, Patricia, Rita, Anne, Ann, Angela, Robin… those are the names we thought about for our daughters, but didn’t pick. Sorry; what was the question again?

Will you be up before 7 AM tomorrow?

As up as I ever am. Which is not all that much.

If you were kicked out of your house, where would you go first?

It would depend on the circumstances behind the kicking.

In the past week, have you cried hysterically in front of a friend?

No.

Is tomorrow gonna be a good day?

I suppose anything is possible.

Is there anybody you wish you could be spending time with right now?

Sure.

Are you satisfied with your life as of now?

It’s pretty good in a lot of ways, but I see several possible areas of improvement.

Will you talk to someone on the phone tonight?

Dunno. I don’t talk on the phone that much outside of work.

What do you miss most about your past?

The cartilage in my knees and hips, and that I used to comfortably wear pants with a 34-inch waistband.

When’s the next time you will see the last person you kissed?

When she comes out of the bathroom.

In the next 3 months, what are you looking forward to most?

Christmas.

The last person you texted, is the person a he or she?

I’ve never texted anyone, ever. I’m not even sure if my phone does that.

Have you ever gone out of your way to make someone happy?

Yes. In order to make people happy, I usually have to go out of my way. It doesn’t come naturally.

If you had the chance to travel back in time, would you?

I’d send a few guinea pigs back in time first, to see how it went for them. I don’t feel like I can make an informed decision until then.

Someone on your mind?

I keep trying to figure out how to work Guo Jingjing into this.

Done and done.

Is there anything you want to tell someone but you can’t?

There’s a girl I had a crush on for a long time, a very long time ago, and for some reason, I keep thinking that someday I should really tell her. I don’t know why I have this urge. Nothing positive could come of it. But for some reason, I keep thinking that someday, for some reason, I’m going to have to fess up to this.

Do you know anyone who has road rage? Who?

Oh, snout!

How expensive is too expensive for a pair of shoes?

I’d pay almost anything for a pair of shoes that let me walk comfortably without agonizing pain.

For style and looks, my limit is about $100.

If you were going out with your celebrity crush, what would you wear?

Whatever the well-dressed man-about-town is wearing these days. I’d have to do a little research first in order to find out what that is. But I wouldn’t spend much time or money on it, because I’m reasonably sure that she’d ditch me pretty early on.  It should be something I’d look good walking home alone in, and perhaps could use for another occasion.

Would you rather name your daughter Andrea or Eva?

No.

If you had to get up at 6am tomorrow morning, would it be painful?

Not for me.

If you were adopted, would you want to know?

I’m sure my parents would tell me eventually. It would probably come up during a conversation about how nature has trumped nurture once again.

What is bothering you right now?

The length of this quiz.

Did you ever really believe that the stork brought babies?

No. There are no storks where I grew up, and plenty of babies, so nobody even bothered with this myth. It just wouldn’t hold water.

Do you know anyone who always looks perfect? Who?

No.

Who are the last people you saw kiss?

It was on TV. I don’t know their names.

Chapstick or lipgloss?

No thanks; I’m good.

What was the last unpleasant thing to wake you up?

The passage of time.

Do you have any friends who are ALWAYS kissing their bf/gf?

No.

Would you rather look at clouds or stars?

Clouds.

Long story. Tell you another time.

Do you have any relatives who are expecting a baby really soon?

Not that I know about.

Dare you to go in detail why you kissed the last person you kissed?

What the fuck is your problem with all these questions about kissing?

What are three things you did today?

I’m still in the middle of #2.

Are you taller than 5 foot 7 inches?

Yes, when standing.

Are you one of those people who just don’t care?

No.

Name one thing you love about winter?

Spring follows it.

Have you ever had sex in a tent?

That’s a darn good question.

Do you think there is someone thinking about you right now?

Yes. She’s miffed that I haven’t taken my shower yet.

Were you smiling in the last picture taken of you?

Probably.

Is there something that reminds you of someone every time you see/hear it?

Yes.

Have you ever had a black and white cat?

I don’t believe that people “have” cats.

Do you think a lot before you fall asleep?

Nope. My head hits the pillow and two or three hours later, I’m out like a light.

Is there someone you wouldn’t mind kissing right now?

It’s probably not you.

Do you live each day like its your last?

No. That would be idiotic. I’d be wrong every day except one. You can’t make progress toward a better future if you don’t first believe that there will be a future.

Are you happy with the choices you’ve made?

Meh. I’m doing OK.

Do you think you are a good person?

I’m not perfect. But I’m not completely awful, either.

Is it okay to kiss people if you’re single?

If I hadn’t, I’d probably still be single.

How many people would you say you’ve been “serious” with?

All of them.

What friend do you get along with the best?

My wife.

Do you still get Easter Baskets?

No. I give them.

Do you have curtains in your room?

Yes.  The Neighborhood Watch Committee, who apparently are on the lookout for crimes against taste and aesthetics as well as ordinary theft and larceny, provided them as a house-warming gift.

Are crayons better than colored pencils?

No. They might think they are, but we’re all god’s children.

Who is the last boy you hugged?

Huh?

How about the last girl?

How about her, indeed. Ain’t she something?

Did you date someone you regret dating?

Yes, I’ve dated.

Have you kissed anyone in the last 7 days?

You need to talk to someone about your obsession with the kissing habits of strangers.

Someone other than me.

Are there certain things that can’t be joked about with you?

The evidence points to yes. I tried to start a joke thread a while back, and it failed. Utterly. Even though there were punchlines just scattered around everywhere, waiting for someone to pick them up. I made it so easy, but it just couldn’t be done.

Here’s the thing that can’t be joked about with me:

Two women are showering in a locker room.
The first woman says:
The second woman responds:

It would seem easy to fill in the blanks, but apparently it cannot be done.

Do you think there are circumstances when it’s okay to wait for someone?

If they’re late?

If you had to have a drug test right now, would you pass?

Depends on what they’re testing for.  I’m fairly ignorant about current drug slang and whatnot, but if it’s multiple choice I can usually guess my way through.

Do you know anyone named Austin?

Yes, of course.

Is there a girl that knows everything or mostly everything about you?

I’m afraid so.

Get asked anything ridiculous recently?

Very recently.

Another one of those question thingies.  At least this one is short.

1. Do you have a pet name people call you?

Well, of course, there’s “DannyO”. I don’t know if that counts as a pet name. It’s more of a nom de plume.

My wife used to call me “Boo.” I have no idea why, but one day, after I bought a copy of “To Kill a Mockingbird”, she stopped calling me that. That reminds me–I should really read that book someday. I’ve heard it’s pretty good.

In my younger days, I used to be called “Duck” or occasionally “The Duck”. There’s a long and mildly interesting story about that, but it’s not brief. Maybe I’ll write it down another time.

2. Do you play a musical instrument?

I used to play several, but I’ve mostly let it go.

I would probably pick it up again, except the instruments I play make a lot of noise and that limits when and where I can practice. My leisure activities have become things I can do quietly, in the middle of the night, when the kids are asleep. For example, this.

3. When given a choice what chain restaurant do you choose to eat at?

The one whose name a preposition ends in.

Or probably ‘On the Border’ or ‘The Border Cafe’. I forget which of those is a chain. Maybe both.

4. What sports teams do you follow?

None with much fervor, although I do follow the local teams because everyone else seems to and it has a big impact on the local mood. For example, the morning after the Yankees sweep the Sox, it’s a bad idea to come waltzing into the status meeting all smiles and proclaim what a wonderful day it is to be alive, just because the computers are behaving. People will have been up late the previous night, and they’ll be pissed.

5. Quote that you live by?

Life is too short.

6. Favorite dessert?

I don’t know. These things are highly contextual.

7. Pet peeves? Name 3.

a) People who ask limiting questions. What if I only have two pet peeves? Or what if I have four that annoy me equally? Why three? The question should be flexible and adaptable to the needs and situation of the answerer.

b) When other people have pet peeves that show greater emotional maturity and perspective than I’ll ever be able to muster. Which is pretty much everyone, all of the time. I get annoyed by little things, such as being annoyed by little things.

c) Unfairness. Let me give you a stupid example that illustrates both unfairness and my singular lack of emotional maturity and perspective: in my division, offices are assigned according to a formula that is both baroque and byzantine. Here’s the result: although I am the senior member and leader of my ten-person team, I am also the only person who does not have a window office or my own office thermostat, except for the intern, whose office is larger than mine. I consider it unfair that there are empty window offices, and new hires are being placed directly into them, while in the meanwhile I (and several people in similar circumstances) are left languishing in dark, airless, internal offices. I shouldn’t take this personally, because I am just a pawn in a bullshit territorial game the vice presidents play against each other, and my office really is entirely adequate for my needs, but I still can’t help but be annoyed that there are empty offices overlooking a small forest that is starting to show its autumn colors, while in the meanwhile, I’m looking at the walls of a small, unventilated office that doesn’t seem to have been painted since leisure suits were popular. I think this is unfair.

I don’t really understand the phenomenon of people composing lists of questions and then passing them around to all of their friends, who forward them to all of their friends, etc, until they achieve a life of their own, circling the internet in the same manner that rubber duckies and sneakers, washed off the decks of cargo ships, circle the Pacific Ocean endlessly, mapping out invisible ocean currents and unsuspected relationships between members of MySpace, Facebook, Friendster, Orkut, et alia.

But just because I don’t understand it doesn’t mean that I’m immune to it.  Quite the contrary.

Here’s one I received recently.  Feel free to not pass it along.

1. Do you have any empty beer cans lying around anywhere?

Beer is packaged in cans now? Why? Besides the fact that aluminum requires an incredibly large amount of energy to mine, refine, process, and recycle, there’s the simple matter of taste. There’s also the simple matter of heft. If I’m a bar fight, I’m not going to try to defend myself with an empty can–not when my opponent probably has an empty Corona bottle hidden in his shoe. No sir.

Or by ‘beer cans’ do you mean kegs? No, I don’t have any empty kegs lying around.

2. Do you clean out your ears regularly?

My doctor is constantly admonishing me that I shouldn’t put anything smaller than my fist into my ears. I’ve tried to explain that the only Q-tips I can find anywhere are considerably smaller than my fist, but he doesn’t seem to understand.

3. Do you lounge around in pjs all day if you have nowhere to go, or do you actually get dressed?

I used to have that habit. Now my kids are getting older, and they’re bringing their friends over to play regularly, so at least I have to throw on a bathrobe or something. As they get older, I’ll become even more diligent. I’ve already started to remember to close the bathroom door.

4. Do you still have any toys from when you were a kid?

It seems astonishing in retrospect, but my all-time favorite toys are things that I’ve had since birth, but didn’t realize the infinite delights and hours of enjoyment they could provide to me until I was well on my way through puberty. I’ve been playing with them almost every day since then, and plan to continue until well into my dotage.

I refer, of course, to logic, abstraction, and prose, which I convert, using techniques I learned as a juvenile, into playthings to amuse and distract myself and my companions during the dark hours of our existence.

Honorable mention goes to my penis.

5. Do you smoke weed regularly?

Do I look that stupid?

6. Do you like Windows, Macintosh or Linux better?

I hate to nag, but isn’t this question supposed to read “Do you like Windows, Macintosh, Linux, or something better?”

I’ll go with something better. Until it comes along, I’ll continue to use all three, depending on what the customer wants. On my own time, I’ll use a mac. Or, occasionally, something else.

7. Do you plan on going to college? If so, would you like to do it on a campus or online?

I have a feeling there are two questions here. I will answer them separately.

I don’t plan to go to college again. I’m sort of tempted to do some sort of adult education thing sometimes, because there are a lot of things that I’d like to learn, and I think some structure and critique would be helpful, but I don’t really have the time. And I would probably get terrible grades.

I would like to “do it” on a campus, because it would be just like old times, but I’d probably get in trouble.

8. How many DVDs do you own?

Enough so that I don’t know how many I have, but not enough that I know how many I have.

9. Did you know that JK Rowling is planning to make another Harry Potter book?

No, and I don’t think she really is. I would have heard already, from my daughters.

10. Are you on MySpace all damn day every single day?

No. MySpace didn’t exist when I was single.

11. Are there any pictures that you need to get developed?

I’m glad you asked, because it brings up something that I’ve wanted to discuss for a long time.

No.

12. Are you constantly running out of socks like me?

I don’t run fast enough to do that. I’d really like to see you do it, however, because I’m pretty sure that your socks would be among the last things that come off as a result of your extreme fleet-footedness. Just promise you’ll slow down long enough for me to make sure your socks have come off.

13. How many CD players are in your house?

Hmm. All my computer have CD players in them, so that makes six in the office, three in the living room, one in the kitchen, one in the basement… And in the parts drawer, in case any of these break, there’s one more, maybe two. In the basement there’s the old CD player from the component stereo, plus a boombox with two drives, for three more. The alarm clock plays CDs, so there’s another, and my daughters have on in their room as well. Then there’s the stereo in the living room, and the DVD player, which doubles as a CD player, and also the Wii, which who knows, might be able to play CDs. And in my knapsack, there’s my laptop from work, for one more. And my wife’s old Sony Discman, which she bought in case she ever decides she needs music while exercising.

OK, I think you’ve accomplished your goal of embarrassing me.

14. Do you know anyone who’s pregnant?

Maybe. I do know some females physically capable of the deed.

15. What kind of dog food do you feed your dog?

I don’t have a dog.

If I did, I’d probably feed him or her something high-quality (pride would not permit me to malnourish a friendly guardian of my decrepit manse) but dry. Like Purina dog chow, or whatever turns out to be good. I’d do research. I’d experiment. Due diligence would be done.

But I know I wouldn’t feed the dog table scraps, nor would I feed the dog canned, wet dog food. That stuff looks and smells terrible. It looks like it just came out of the hind end of something with an upset stomach..

16. When you see a baby, is your reaction “Aww, how cute!” or “Eww, get it away!”?

My reactions are never that simple and easy to describe.

Besides, overly constrained questions are one of my pet peeves.

16. When you see a baby, is your reaction “Aww, how cute!” or “Eww, get it away!”?

Neither. Even if I’m thinking it.

I’m an adult. My reaction to a situation and my feelings about that situation can be decoupled.

17. How many pairs of shoes do you own?

I don’t know.

18. How many mugs are in your house total?

A bunch. I can’t believe anyone cares enough about this answer to make it worthwhile for me to actually root around in the cabinets and boxes in the basement to get a precise number. It’s probably not even worth finishing writing this sente

19. Do you own any wine glasses?

Yes.

20. What about fine china? Does your family even use it?

Yes, but we rarely use it. It’s covered with gold leaf, which makes washing it a bit of a hassle. The big family get-togethers when we’d be most likely to use are the meals that have the most attendees, and therefore are when it’s most tempting to use the dishwasher… but this would ruin them forever.

21. Eventually do you want to get married?

Marriage should never be wanted eventually.

Getting married is like ripping off a band-aid. The question of marriage should never be taken lightly, but once you’ve weighed all the alternatives and settled on marriage as the only tenable course of action, it should be done quickly, with as little thought or hesitation as possible, lest one or both of the parties contract a case of cold feet.

Also like ripping off a band-aid, it is good to have an ample supply of alcohol, gauze, and various ointments standing by in readiness.

22. How many computers are in your house?

I think I already answered this when I was counting my CD players for you. It’s a bunch. From this century, however, fewer than half that number.

23. Do you still play old school Nintendo games?

This question makes no sense. There are no “old school” Nintendo games.

Spacewar is old school. Hunt the Wumpus is old school. Adventure is old school. Rogue, Hack, and Moria are old school. These are games the parents of people who play Nintendo games used to play when they were the age their children are now.

Although this question makes no sense, I think I can still answer it. No. I don’t think I even have any Nintendo stuff around the house, except the Wii.

24. Have you ever been to Hawaii or Alaska?

Twice, and once. I’ve flown over Alaska a few times without landing. Looked pretty awesome from up there.

25. Would you ever want to live in either of those places?

No, although both are pleasant to visit.

Hawaii is not really compatible with my ghostly-white complexion. I don’t tan. I barely even freckle.

Alaska is spooky. I was there in June, and the sun kept following me around. It seemed to circle the building while I was working. I don’t know why it seemed to be some interested in me; I hear during the winter it wanders off and shows no interest in anyone. I don’t think I’d survive an Alaskan winter.

26. What kind of sense of humor do you have?

Juvenile.

27. What was your last phone conversation about and with whom?

Something boring, with someone from work. ‘Nuff said.

28. What was your grade point average in high school?

Pretty pathetic. I don’t remember the number, but I clearly remember my high school guidance letting out a low, long sigh and rubbing his furrowed brow for about thirty seconds at the beginning of our mercifully brief sessions. I think the topic of vocational training came up a few times.

After I was kept back for a year, and then when I decided that maybe college was a good idea after all, I turned it around, but by then the damage was done to my average. The average of two dreadful years, one average year, and two good years is still fairly dreadful.

29. What is one of your favorite movie quotes?

Anything from “Animal House” qualifies.

30. What song do you have stuck in your head right now?

“Birthday” by The Beatles. In a few minutes, it will be “Yer Blues”. At least, that’s what my iPod says, and it’s in charge of sticking songs in my head right now.

31. Do you have an innie or an outie?

One of each.

32. How would your friends describe you?

I don’t know. Ask them. If you want a really honest answer, don’t ask them in public.

In the meanwhile, I don’t mind people saying nice things about, especially if they’re plausibly true. For example, people might say that occasionally I string together a sentence that is a self-contained joke. Perhaps even somewhere in this note.

33. Would you kiss a really ugly person for $10,000?

There are so many facets to this question that it twinkles and glitters like the sequins of the half-unfastened outfit of a Las Vegas showgirl, pinned to the stage by the beams of a dozen spotlights, writhing uncontrollably with ecstasy as my tongue slowly, methodically, scientifically and yet inexorably searches for the perfect roll, pitch, yaw, depth, mode, skew, kurtosis, and frequency to drive her over the brink, gibbering with pleasure, during the bachelor party I will swear on the bible never happened.

But since time is short, I will focus on one simple and obvious aspect.

Who decides who is or is not really ugly? Because I’m willing to let you pay me $10,000 to call my wife really ugly. I’m going to kiss her anyway, and she’ll laugh it off when she gets her half. Heck, for $5,000, I might even get more than one kiss.

If it’s up to you, and you don’t happen to think my wife is really ugly, then my answer is probably no. I choose who I kiss, and the freedom to make that choice is worth a lot more to me than $10,000. But if you happen to find Guo Jingjing hideous, maybe I’ll take your money anyway.

37. How many hours of sleep did you get last night?

Not enough. I had a terrible nightmare. No, not the one with the monster. A different nightmare.

38. Are you capable of murder?

In the right circumstances, we all are.

39. Are you pro life or pro choice?

I don’t believe that it’s up to me to impose my beliefs on other people, so I’m both.

I am pro-life but I support the notion that other people can make their own choices.

40. What is the last thing you spent money on?

Lunch.

41. When is the last time it snowed where you live?

I think it started around 4:30am. I have forgotten the date, however.

42. when is the last time you exercised?

Exercised my what?

Please refer to the answer to #47 for additional related discussion.

43. Have you ever lived in another state?

There are so many different meanings of the words “life” and “state” that I could have a field day with this.

But I sense the trap.

So, I will merely answer that if two years in Rhode Island counts as living in another state, then the answer is “yes”. Otherwise, the answer is “probably”.

44. Do you think anyone really reads the surveys you fill out?

Accidents do happen.

45. How many friends do you have on myspace?

How many friends do I have that use MySpace? I don’t know, but not a huge number. I’m not a member of their core demographic. Or any of their peripheral demographics.

How many friends do I have connections with on my MySpace account? I’m not sure, but I think I canceled my account, but I might have simply abandoned it.

46. If your friend count goes down, do you try to figure out who deleted you?

I don’t know what my friend count is right now, I don’t know how to figure it out, and I don’t care all that much. As long as people keep sticking stuff up on my wall, and are reasonably friendly, I figure I’m doing OK. I’d rather have a smaller number of good friends than a large number of random people who can’t remember why they friended me in the first place.

However, the question presupposes that my answer could be different, and therefore it may be true that there are a lot of people out there who do count their friends regularly and try to figure out who dropped them, etc. I also suspect that that sort of people are the sort of people that I am most likely to drop.

47. what scent are you wearing right now?

Sometimes the questions reveal more about the questioner than the answers reveal about the answerer. This is one of those times.

Unlike most of the other questions in this list, questions #42 and #47 do not refer to general characteristics, habits, or tendencies. They ask about very specific details that are defined relative to the moment when the questions are answered. They are also written in a different style, using a different set of constructs. Instead of asking “Do you often wear a scent?”, which presumes nothing about the answer, or “What scent do you usually wear?”, which makes a mild and easily negated presumption that the answerer wears a scent, the question makes a strong assumption that I am wearing a scent at this very moment, and provides me no easy way to defeat the assumption that this is a question whose answer one can reasonably expect to name that scent. And yes, I have stopped beating my wife.

When one examines the question more carefully, one finds two more troubling clues. First, the capitalization of the first word of the question is inconsistent with most of the other questions, indicating carelessness, perhaps anxiousness, but in any case an unwillingness to revisit the question long enough to proof-read it. This is clearly an off-the-cuff question; unpremeditated and perhaps even spontaneous.

Second, the repeated reference to the present: although “are you wearing” clearly indicates that this question refers to the present condition, the questioner did not feel that this was sufficient, and therefore appended a completely redundant “right now”. This reinforces the evidence that this question was not subject to the same care as the other questions.

Coupled with #42, with its similar issues, I infer that the questioner is not interested in my answer. This is a rhetorical question; a reminder to take a shower. Duly noted.

48. Do you text a lot?

No, but I prose too much.

49. Do you shop at WalMart regularly?

No.

50. What..s your favorite store at the mall?

The store where they trade apostrophes for periods. You should check it out–they’re having a two-for-one sale right now.