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Author Topic: Not Bad...FAIL!!!  (Read 1790 times)
Prunella Farquar
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« on: November 02, 2009, 05:33:56 PM »

Folks say that if you listen real close at the height of the full moon, when the wind is blowin' off Nantucket Sound from the nor' east and the dogs are howlin' for no earthly reason, you can hear the awful screams of the crew of the “Ellie May," a sturdy whaler Captained by John McTavish; for it was on just such a night when the rum was flowin' and, Davey Jones be damned, big John brought his men on deck for the first of several screaming contests.

David McKenzie
Federal Way, WA


This was the winner of this year's Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Award [http://www.bulwer-lytton.com/].

As you may or may not know, this is an award given every year for the opening sentence of the worst of all possible novels.  There doesn't actually have to be a novel, but the submitted sentence must imply one.

I've read many of these these winners over the past couple of years and, no offense to Mr. McKenzie, but I've read worse....much worse.

I challenge you to compose a sentence worthy of such an award.  

C'mon, make it truly pathetic.
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Because one pole may catch a fish, it does not mean that 5 poles will catch an inner tube.
DannyO
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WWW
« Reply #1 on: November 02, 2009, 06:51:28 PM »

I've read many of these these winners over the past couple of years and, no offense to Mr. McKenzie, but I've read worse....much worse.

I challenge you to compose a sentence worthy of such an award.  

C'mon, make it truly pathetic.

I'm sure I could win this contest, whilst reclining on a recliner, sipping sips of a beer from a glass of beer held in one hand, and fondling the Wii controller with the other, as easily as shooting a tame and sedated flounder that was, purely for the sake beating the dead horse that was this metaphor before it succumbed to the blunt force trauma inflicted by my stubby yet mighty fingers dancing nimbly above the dim nimbus of my keyboard, wedged to the point of immobility into a small barrel welded to the business end of a fully armed and operational blunderbuss, because, when I'm not careful, my sentences tend to run on a bit--sometimes farther (or is it further?  I can never remember the distinction) than a dash or even an elliptical clause (or two) can justify.  And sometimes they begin in an unorthodox fashion too.

No, my goal for the day is simply to write something that doesn't suck.
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Prunella Farquar
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« Reply #2 on: November 02, 2009, 06:57:50 PM »

Thank-you Danny.  I think you may well have beat out Mr. McKenzie.
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Because one pole may catch a fish, it does not mean that 5 poles will catch an inner tube.
Prunella Farquar
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« Reply #3 on: November 02, 2009, 07:11:23 PM »

Here's mine:

"The pins, the pins,"  Aunt Florence wailed as she saw Melissa running for the clothesline, showing no concern whatsoever for the muddying linens that were being soiled as the lug nut sized droplets fell, which irked Melissa no end because she knew full well that the clothespins didn't mean corned beef hash to Fat, Fat Florence and that the whole scenario was being played out simply and ruthlessly as an act of vengeance regarding the incident with the 75 head of Herford she'd driven to Nebraska last year.
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Because one pole may catch a fish, it does not mean that 5 poles will catch an inner tube.
DannyO
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« Reply #4 on: November 02, 2009, 07:22:59 PM »

Here's mine:

"The pins, the pins,"  Aunt Florence wailed as she saw Melissa running for the clothesline, showing no concern whatsoever for the muddying linens that were being soiled as the lug nut sized droplets fell, which irked Melissa no end because she knew full well that the clothespins didn't mean corned beef hash to Fat, Fat Florence and that the whole scenario was being played out simply and ruthlessly as an act of vengeance regarding the incident with the 75 head of Herford she'd driven to Nebraska last year.

Hmm...  not bad enough.  I'm kind of interested in reading the rest now.  I want to find out what happened when the City of Herford learned that their leaders had been driven like Hereford cattle to the namesake of an obscure Bruce Springsteen album.  Germans really know how to carry a grudge.  They've raised it to an art form--grudgery, as it is called by its practitioners, self-proclaimed grudgists.
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Prunella Farquar
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« Reply #5 on: November 02, 2009, 07:27:29 PM »

Sorry.  I didn't realize the spell check cops had followed me over from TBD.  I'll have to watch that.
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Because one pole may catch a fish, it does not mean that 5 poles will catch an inner tube.
DannyO
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WWW
« Reply #6 on: November 02, 2009, 07:31:55 PM »

Sorry.  I didn't realize the spell check cops had followed me over from TBD.  I'll have to watch that.

When you're trying to write a bad sentence, spelling errors are just a windfall!
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CWO3ROBBIE
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« Reply #7 on: November 02, 2009, 10:26:00 PM »

I have tried and tried and tried again to write bad sentences with poor punctition and poor spelling but I just cannot seem to ever reache the hieghts set by my idol that I have washoped for years and years and years; Mr. Hilly who has succumed to pear pressur and left tbd, never to be herd from agin.
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"FREE SPEECH AND THE RIGHT TO NOT BE OFFENDED CANNOT COEXIST"!
WS
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WWW
« Reply #8 on: November 03, 2009, 11:05:46 AM »

Do they all have to be long?

How about:  She lay awake listening to rust forming on her pressure release valve.      ?
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"We don't have to protect the environment, the Second Coming is at hand." James Watt, Secretary of the Interior under Ronald Reagan.
baf
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« Reply #9 on: November 03, 2009, 01:08:06 PM »

 Cheesy Superbly bad, WS! and clever
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Outside the box is far vaster than inside.
CWO3ROBBIE
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« Reply #10 on: November 04, 2009, 09:15:10 PM »

Even though Hogsbreath knew time was rapidly running out, the seconds were not ticking down because the only clock in the bunker was one of those new fangled atomic LED ones that show the time, temp, and rainfall accumulated to date,with backlighting showing the little tower with the eye on top and no way to show how much longer before the prearanged, but uncertain, suicide bombing would take place.
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"FREE SPEECH AND THE RIGHT TO NOT BE OFFENDED CANNOT COEXIST"!
Prunella Farquar
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« Reply #11 on: November 04, 2009, 10:11:19 PM »

That's too good Robbie.  You'll have to try again.
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Because one pole may catch a fish, it does not mean that 5 poles will catch an inner tube.
Rhiannnonn
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« Reply #12 on: November 08, 2009, 01:17:01 AM »

Ooh!!!! If it weren't 3 AM and I weren't on the verge of falling asleep, I'd think up a sentence now. Now, however, I'm not sure I remember my whole name. LOL!!!
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Your most radiant garment is of the other person's weaving;
Your most savory meal is that which you eat at the other person's table;
Your most comfortable bed is in the other person's house.
Now tell me, how can you separate yourself from the other person?

Sand and Foam ~~ Kahlil Gibran
Felicia
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« Reply #13 on: November 08, 2009, 09:22:57 AM »

I'm not creative enough to even do 'bad'
(sniff sniff)
 Cry
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We are here to help each other get through this thing, whatever it is.  ~Mark Vonnegut
CWO3ROBBIE
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« Reply #14 on: November 08, 2009, 09:35:29 AM »

"I'm not creative enough to even do bad" she wailed, and as soon as that thought popped out of her brain, she again took up the butcher knife and went out into the moonlit woods.
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"FREE SPEECH AND THE RIGHT TO NOT BE OFFENDED CANNOT COEXIST"!
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